TITLE: When They Can't See
GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy
Skyrah soared over the moonlit plains of Dreamiridian, away from the castle of fools who were too blind to listen to her warnings. She dug her knees into the sides of her favorite dragon, Fia, urging her to fly faster. From down below, Skyrah heard a sharp cry that sliced through the night sky and made her hands tremble against Fia’s reins. She stared down at the biderak moving across the plains, its vast wings spreading out like the dark clouds of a storm and its claws tearing across the ground. “Turn back,” Skyrah hissed to Fia, knowing all too well that once the biderak took on an innocent human form, her family wouldn’t believe that it really was a biderak ripe from Angramador Forest.
The names definitely give it that epic fantasy feel. As do castles and dragons. It feels less grounded after the second sentence. I feel like the rest of the entry dumps too much. Let us feel the dread of the creature and how the mc reacts before telling us why it's bad for her family.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I can articulate much here, other than to say that there is too much infodumping going on, and it distracts from just reading the story, not letting me as a reader get grounded in what's happening. The MC is riding a dragon. That itself should be something interesting for a reader. So what does it feel like to ride a dragon? Give us that feeling, the smell/touch/emotion/sound of it, and that will ground us more quickly than giving us names and things. Biderak is a good fantasy word though, I like it. Keep it!
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I immediately get an epic fantasy vibe from this opening. However, I think there are too many terms thrown in, and that makes it a bit confusing. I don't think you need to mention Dreamiridian in the first sentence. I think it's find to say she's soaring over the moonlit plains without telling us the world/country name yet. Between that, biderak, and Angramador Forest, I feel I've been thrust into the world too quickly.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Your ideas are interesting, and it sounds like there's going to be some good action after this. But please reconsider using the name Skyrah along with the act of flying in a sentence together. Also, did she just warn the castle, make a run for it, and then realize, "Um, hold up, my family lives down there, too," ? That just seems like a very big oversight. But I love the idea of those dragon things changing into human form! Really awesome!
ReplyDeleteTo chime in with the others, I agree that I get an epic fantasy feel from this, but that there are too many details being crammed down my throat, so to speak. I think you intended the details to make the reader curious to know more about them, but instead they lead to confusion with so many heaped on at once. It makes me think this story isn't quite starting in the right place. I'd explain or reveal more about one of the details before adding in the others. You know, ease us more into the story. Fascinating ideas, though. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteI'm another vote for too much info dump in this opening. Concentrate on soaring over the plains and show us her reaction to the creature she sees below.
ReplyDeleteThe many details didn't bother me because they all made sense and I could track them, but that's just my lone voice in the wind :) It does have a rather breathless quality to it -- so much so soon -- but that really didn't bother me either, as long as the action slows soon so we can get to know the characters.
ReplyDeleteI want to read more! :) In my opinion, you could drop the fact that Fia is her "favorite." Show, don't tell. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I knew I was reading an epic fantasy after the first sentence. For your first paragraph though, I would consider dropping a few terms and focusing a little more on how your MC feels. I would definitely keep reading.
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