TITLE: CASSIA
GENRE: Literary
The painting opposite the grill was missing. It could have matched the one I already owned—a homeless musician embossed over skyscrapers. The two works could have provided a private concert of city life dissonance, great architecture clashing with Dallas’ forgotten souls. But I owned a single piece, a hollow song of solitude. What’s more, the artist of both paintings was my rival, only she never knew it.
The writing feels effortless and the sentences have a good rhythm to them, but by the end, I didn't have a clue what was going on. I think it was the last sentence that threw me, because I thought the MC was talking about a hypothetical matching painting. I had to go back and read it several times to see if I was missing something. Maybe it's all just going over my head, but I would make it less vague and mysterious. ;) You can definitely write! Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence hooked me, and it felt like an interesting mystery, but I had no sense of place. Let us know where she is.The importance of this missing painting is unclear. I think the rivalry can come later when we are more grounded in your MC and the missing painting.
ReplyDeleteWrite On!
Ok, you've got too many big reveals in this one paragraph. The painting is missing and the artist is the protag's rival. After all the flowy words, the last sentence sorta pulled me out of the scene. Definitely start a new paragraph for that idea. Also, a grill, like a bbq grill? So the painting is outside? Or a George Foreman grill inside? I couldn't place the setting, but you do have quite a way with words :3
ReplyDeletePlease keep in mind that this critique is my opinion. Take what you think will help with your writing and disregard whatever you feel is irrelevant.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about where you are going with the rivalry between the artists and what happened to the missing painting. I love your description of "city life dissonance" as being a clash of architecture and forgotten souls. Nice job!
I got the sense of Literary only so far as the lack of action. I's the nature of Literary works to take its time rising to action. Although the writing indicates that the paintings are set in Dallas, I only assume the story takes place there. The MC must be in some type of eatery because of the mention of "the grill," but I don't know if he/she works there or frequents the place. I sense the time period is fairly recent as indicated by the mention of skyscrapers in the paintings.
Your writing has great potential, but please keep in mind that too much "telling," even in Literary pieces, can distract the reader and result in skim-reading and confusion. Be sure to show emotion and body language whenever possible. Try to keep the voice active rather than passive.
1st sentence, maybe add a little emotion. Something like: "My heart dropped. The painting opposite..."
Words like "was," "but," and "could" are very "telling" and should be avoided whenever possible. If you must use them, do so sparingly.
2nd sentence, maybe consider deleting "could have" and "already," or using a stronger word such as "would" instead of "could." Something like: "It would've matched the one I own..." or "It matched the one I own..."
3rd sentence, maybe consider something like: "Together the two works would've provided..." for smoother flow.
4th sentence is repetitive. Maybe think about vamping it up a bit. Something like: "Now my piece is destined to hang as a hollow song of solitude." (I love "hollow song of solitude," nice writing.)
5th sentence, maybe avoid talking directly to the reader ("what's more" took me out of the moment), and tighten it up a bit. Maybe something like: "the artist of both paintings will never know I considered her my rival."
I hope this has helped you in some way. Good luck with this story.
There is so much about this to like (a private concert of city life dissonance / a hollow song of solitude / Dallas' forgotten souls - so beautiful!)
ReplyDeleteLike others, I did stumble over the 'grill.' It probably becomes obvious soon, but it really stopped me, because I assumed that you meant a BBQ grill and that the painting was outside, and that took me down an unnecessary path. From others, I see it's probably a grill in a restaurant. Anyway, it seems to be confusing readers and I bet it's an easy fix.
I also couldn't quite imagine the painting with the homeless musician "embossed" over skyscrapers. I think of embossing as a kind of stamp. Is that really what you mean? Like a ghosted back image? Anyway, coming on the heels of my confusion over the grill, I got a little lost.
But, those are logistical fixes, if you choose to make them. The writing is lovely. Best to you!
Yes, it is a "ghosted back image."
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone who commented. I loved the kind words, and you gave me a new perspective of this opening that I need to revisit.
Ok. This is intriguing, but left me with questions.
ReplyDeleteWhere is this person? Is the person male or female?
"The painting opposite the grill was missing." Whose grill? Who hangs paintings over grills?
"It could have matched the one I already owned—a homeless musician embossed over skyscrapers." I find it hard to picture this.
"The two works could have provided a private concert of city life dissonance, great architecture clashing with Dallas’ forgotten souls. But I owned a single piece, a hollow song of solitude." Ok. These explain a little bit...but I'm yawning.
"What’s more, the artist of both paintings was my rival, only she never knew it." This makes me want to see the artist, or some other character soon. Is the artist dead?
Good writing. Lots of big vocabulary words.
Very interesting. And some very beautiful phrases (city life dissonance, is my favorite). I did find by the end, though, I had more questions than answers. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's hard to feel grounded. Personally, I want to figure out something about the character or setting before the mystery. It's hard to care when I don't know what or whom I should be caring about.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. And some very beautiful phrases (city life dissonance, is my favorite). I did find by the end, though, I had more questions than answers. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's hard to feel grounded. Personally, I want to figure out something about the character or setting before the mystery. It's hard to care when I don't know what or whom I should be caring about.
ReplyDelete