TITLE: TANGLED UP IN BLUES
GENRE: Contemporary YA
When the bell rang, I saw dark red spikes and tasted metal. The first day of senior year, one more year, of bell after bell after bell. Lather, rinse, repeat on my hyperactive senses. I flinched, not much, but enough. A guy across the room noticed.
Hmm … I'm intrigued and confused at the same time :) The hooky first sentence is interesting (red spikes and metal, yikes!) but then I'm in a classroom. If the idea here is that the bell induces these hallucinations (or whatever they are) and that the MC is bemoaning that fact that she's got a year of school bells that will be taxing her nerves, then that's VERY cool. I'd make the connection clear right off the bat and run with it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI've known people with synesthesia so I felt intriqued by your choice of this problem for your MC and would love to see what's going to happen. I think Merci's comment above is one to consider. More people probably have not heard of this than those who have. I'm guessing you go on to explain it on page one?
ReplyDeleteI've known people with synesthesia so I felt intriqued by your choice of this problem for your MC and would love to see what's going to happen. I think Merci's comment above is one to consider. More people probably have not heard of this than those who have. I'm guessing you go on to explain it on page one?
ReplyDeleteOh, I've just lost my entire comment! Here's the summary:
ReplyDeleteGreat job showing us so much in so few words. I made the connection immediately between the bell and your MC's senses/synesthesia. Love the way you've shown that he/she is trying to hide it, but fails. I do think the last sentence falls a bit flat -- maybe a line break before would help. Otherwise, nice work!
Christina (entry #15)
The bell rings in the first sentence and your character has an immediate reaction, then you have two sentences explaining why, then in the fourth sentence, your character flinches in reaction to what already happened two sentences ago. It's too delayed, and I think you need to move that up or edit it out. Otherwise, great set up. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI feel grounded in the setting, last year of high school. I had to read the first sentence several times because it puzzled me. In this case, maybe that's not a bad thing. I looked at some of the other reviews (which I don't usually do first) and then it made sense. I would keep reading to find out more, though I will say that the last two lines are a bit slow and dull. Keep the forward momentum going.
ReplyDeleteAt first I was confused by the opening sentence. Then I read the comments and realized the MC is (probably) suffering from synesthesia. Rereading with that in mind, I was able to follow along much better. This opening still feels a little disorganized to me. I can't pinpoint exactly why--maybe because there's a lot of telling. I would feel more pulled in, I think, if this was a longer scene that introduces us to the protagonist and slowly sprinkles clues about her condition, instead of beginning with it. Hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteDoes MC have OCD or something? Not exactly sure what's going on, but it's nothing you can't fix.
ReplyDeleteThis reads to me more like a paragraph in the middle of the scene rather than a story introduction. I would suggest thinking of a strong opening image that will draw reader in. Think of the themes of your story and possibly begin with an active scene or an emotion that ties into your theme. What is unique about your story beyond a senior in high school? Can you show a glimpse of that? We don't yet know what the red and metal refer to, so grounding us in what either makes your character different or the setting different can help to orient. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading based on the first sentence. The bell after bell after bell and hyperactive references may lead the reader to think your MC has some kind of disorder. If that's what you intended, great!
ReplyDelete