TITLE: Click
GENRE: YA-Magical Realism
My Aunt Téa answers the phone just as we’re about to leave her creaking house. After briefly listening to the person on the other end, an ominous cloud moves across my aunt’s face. She hangs up, pinches the bridge of her nose, (she always does that to keep from crying) and tells me my dad is missing somewhere along the Amazon River. The phone cut out before she could ask any questions. I notice the trees bending against the gray outside my aunt’s kitchen window, and I wonder if any will snap.
You have definitely showed us the setting. We know where we're at and the situation, but I feel you have rushed the opening. Create some tension before revealing the dad is missing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lanette,
DeleteI may go back to "escape her creaking house" to show the urgency. A tornado is on the way. The tension and frustration for MC is within the 1st page.
I liked the way Aunt Tea pinched the bridge of the nose. It seems so natural to me because I do the same thing when I'm stressed. I'm thrown off of why the MC is worrying about trees outside when their dad is missing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rick,
DeleteThe "trees" is the setting (storm) and it's a metaphor for how the MC is feeling.
I get a sense of place, but the voice feels more middle grade than YA to me. There's no sense of tension. We just know immediately that the mc's dad is missing. Don't try to give us too much of the plot right away.
ReplyDeleteThanks Suejay,
DeleteI'll be going back to "escape her creaking house" instead of "leave" for a sense of urgency- a tornado is coming. Her tension/frustration about her father missing in within the 1st page.
Dad missing in the amazon is cool! But overall, your prose feels too distant from the MC. I think you need to get inside his/her head more and show us what is happening, rather than just teling us. I get what you are symbolizing with the snapping tree branch, but I don't feel your MCs emotion behind that symbolism because the writing is so detached (and a little rushed as well). I hope that is helpful! This could be a really good opening scene.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anonymous,
DeleteYou got the "tree" metaphor perfectly! She is detached/numb in that moment. Anger and what's in her head, comes out on page 1 and 2.
FYI: You need to give yourself a name according to Authoress' rules. And it just so happens, I have two Anonymouses-tak about confusing ; )
This reads more like someone describing the last few days to a friend, or a synopsis. Basically too much is happening here to keep up. Each sentence could probably be stretched out into its own paragraph. This reads such that I had to check again to see what age group this is for, because I thought it was for a picture book maybe (please don't take that as an insult, it's just how the wordflow was going for me). Describing the creaking house in the first sentence is pretty loaded, and automatically implies this is important for the reader because it's in the first sentence, so if it's meaningless you can probably just cut it.
ReplyDeleteFinding out their dad is missing is pretty important, and is probably the most important part of this. It deserves more than a passing sentence, I'm assuming it's the firing of the plot-shotgun, which means it deserves being the point of the intro, so dialogue, emotion, etc.
Thanks Anonymous Two, ( you need to have a critique name)
DeleteI'm glad you got the weight of the creaking house which is a sign that a tornado is on the way. It's the MC's dad, not the aunt's, and yes, thank you, "plot-shotgun" is what I went for and layers of revelation are ahead.
You've definitely given us the setting -- with the creaking house -- but the scene feels a bit distant. I think to hook the reader in, it might help to make things more immediate by moving things around. I.e., when her aunt answers the phone, perphaps the MC looks out the window then, feels a ripple of fear as she watches the bending tree branch. If you can ground her in that moment before she learns of her loss, I think the opening will be stronger. That said, the idea that her dad's missing somewhere along the Amazon is intriguing and sets the stage for adventure.
ReplyDeleteThanks Peggy and everyone who took the time to critique my first five lines. I have already scribbled some revisions which will bring out my MC's voice and remedy the "distant" thing that some of you felt. I love how critiques trigger my creativity & problem solving at the same time. You are all now officially a part of my work in progress : )
ReplyDeleteI don't think my visual of a little black cloud floating across the front of her aunt's face is what you were going for - but that's how it reads.
ReplyDeleteI also read 'leave her creaking house" (the first time) as leave her freaking house and was thrown by the unrelated cuss. I didn't get the reference to an approaching tornado as there was no frame of reference to push my imagination in that direction.
Overall, I found these opening lines very 'matter of fact' with no sense of the MC or her current situation. You need to include more emotion and description to entice me to read on.
Thanks KayC
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like she might go on a search for her dad. I'd like to know within the next couple paragraphs how old our POV/MC is. I definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteWhile I think this could work for a chapter 2 opening, or a paragraph later down the page, it's not working for me as a story opening. I think what would help is to switch the action so that the primary character is receiving and actively part of the news. "My aunt" whom we don't know whose aunt this is, is passive. For YA in particular, you want your main character front and center and in control of the action, particularly in the first line. the character's dad is missing! This is huge and right now it's buried.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. Just something to consider...from a POV standpoint, would your MC know that the phone cut out before the aunt could ask a question? How did the MC know her aunt was about to ask something? Was her mouth opened?
ReplyDelete