TITLE: Nick Stevens, Chef of Destiny
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
When Las Vegas teenager Nick Stevens gets a job at a hotel that caters to creatures from other dimensions, he must learn in a hurry how to cook, how to fight -- and how to handle a girlfriend who might not be entirely human.
I wish I could say that on the morning I first faced a creature from another world, I was up early calibrating my repulsor cannon, or working on my badass krav maga skills, or any of the other stuff guys who later wind up saving a major American city are doing when the story opens. Things would probably make more sense that way – if I was The Chosen One.
Spoiler alert: There's no such thing.
Instead, I left our house in the Las Vegas suburbs half an hour late, dropped my painstakingly assembled egg sandwich in the gutter when my bike hit a speed bump and sprinted into Mr. Freeman's junior Literature class just as the bell was ringing.
With most teachers, you could sneak in a few seconds late and not be too worried about it, especially on the last day of school. Unfortunately, Mr. Freeman hunted tardy students the way rich guys hunt quail, and after 38 years at De la Paz High, the man's aim was flawless.
"Nicholas Stevens," he intoned as I lunged past him and slammed my butt into my seat a split second before the last echo of the bell faded. "You may delay, but time -- and this class -- do not."
"Sorry," I said. And I guess even Mr. Freeman was feeling a little summery. He just glared at me and began talking about the final we'd taken yesterday. Which was fine, because I knew I'd done pretty well on it. I don't get straight As or anything, but my dad always bought me books for Christmas, even when I asked for video games.
I am really interested by this concept. It feels like sci-fi, magical realism and some snarky humor all wrapped in one and I love all of those things.
ReplyDeleteComments on the excerpt:
- First paragraph had a lot of "new" words. I think the thing that makes it not as confusing is that it is obvious they are all weapons or some kind of magical/other-dimension tools. So I can garner that from just context. However, it's a mouthful for the first sentence.
- I do love the voice in the first paragraph, that made it easy to read through the complicated jargon. I like how the character sounds.
- "Unfortunately, Mr. Freeman hunted tardy students the way rich guys hunt quail, and after 38 years at De la Paz High, the man's aim was flawless." Hahahah! This made me laugh out loud.
- The last paragraph seemed a bit "filler" in content. I don't know if I (as a reader) need any of that information right now. I'd rather get into the action or something that implies the future conflict to come. Or even just something juicy about our main character.
I did like the voice and the concept a lot, so I'd 100% read on. Nice job! :)
Strong voice.
ReplyDeleteYour MC voice is strong and colorful. I would shorten some of that first sentence. It's a lot of good stuff but just a bit too much. Hook your reader and then later on add more details. I found the very first paragraph compelling and then it shifted to an entirely different setting and mood with Nick rushing off to school. I think if you take out a lot of the filler (especially the part where he tells us that his dad buys him books for Christmas), your pacing would be better and your reader can sooner get to the crux of this story. It will also give your fantasy story more immediacy.
ReplyDeleteI really like this premise! It feels different from many other books out there. Good luck to you.
Your MC voice is strong and colorful. I would shorten some of that first sentence. It's a lot of good stuff but just a bit too much. Hook your reader and then later on add more details. I found the very first paragraph compelling and then it shifted to an entirely different setting and mood with Nick rushing off to school. I think if you take out a lot of the filler (especially the part where he tells us that his dad buys him books for Christmas), your pacing would be better and your reader can sooner get to the crux of this story. It will also give your fantasy story more immediacy.
ReplyDeleteI really like this premise! It feels different from many other books out there. Good luck to you.
Fun premise! Nick's voice is strong and compelling. I like him right away. You spend a lot of time on the teacher being strict, so it's a let down that he just glares. It's good writing but it doesn't advance the story. Besides, if his butt was in the chair before the last echo of the bell, he wasn't late. Unless Mr. Freeman is important to the story, you could leave most of that out. Just my opinion. Overall, great start. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI love the voice, but I'm not sure I love the opening paragraph. I always feel it's better to open with something the character IS doing, rather than ruminating on something he isn't doing. And because the sentence is so long and full of jargon, I almost gave up before getting to the next paragraph.
ReplyDeleteLoved this from soup to nuts. The main character's description of Mr. Freeman was perfect. The only thing is that the title felt a little Middle Grade to me, but who really cares? Publishers change titles all the time. This will do well in the auction for sure, and I'd read it in a heartbeat. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really like this. Your voice is awesome and it pulls me in. As other said before, the opening sentence is a mouthful. Problem is that I also love it. Is there as way to maybe trim the final thought...."or any of the other stuff guys who later wind up saving a major American city are doing when the story opens."?? Maybe something like, "Or any of the other badass stuff 'heros' are doing when the story opens."
ReplyDeleteBut I really like this. Good luck!!
I love the way your start this story. Without the first paragraph, I would have thought this is contemporary, but you warn your reader that there is more that meets the eye. I think it's clever. Works for me. However, I would have liked a hint that the first chapter is not going to be about a day at school, not after you told me this is going to be so much more interesting and exciting.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I love the premise for this and the intro paragraph. However, I'm not a fan of the teaser and then going straight into a mundane scene. I was promised a creature from another world, so him just going to school is a let down. I get wanting to establish some normalcy, but there's no conflict in this scene. He doesn't even get into trouble for being tardy and he figures he did well on his exam. I'm not feeling any tension. Otherwise, I felt like the writing was clean and engaging and the character voice likable.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I loved the voice in this. The concept is quite unique.
ReplyDeleteYou can write. So, it shouldn't be any trouble for you to 1) match the logline with the first paragraphs 2) show us from the start the interesting bits–or hint at the monsters from the hotel instead of a late-for-school scene (I wanted something of what you promised in the summary) Grrr.
3) show the missing girlfriend or girlfiend
The first paragraph might put off some, but I liked it. I just really wished you'd started out with a scene at the hotel instead of the school. You can still keep your premise, but with monsters. This won't be hard with your killer writing skills.
This is really intriguing! The first paragraph shows us there is something otherworldly going on in the story, but then it unfortunately jumps into the mundane. I was hoping we'd get to see his encounter with "a creature from another world" right away instead of telling us it's coming and then back-tracking to (I'm guessing) what happens leading up to that event. Why not show us his encounter on page one? That's the interesting part! Great voice, though, and I like the idea of there being a Las Vegas hotel that caters to creatures from other dimensions. However I'm unclear on the conflict. So his girlfriend is one of these creatures, and...what's the problem? Is she trying to kill him? Is someone else after him just for knowing with her? Does her creature daddy not approve of him? "He must learn how to fight" or else what? What will happen if he doesn't? And who is he fighting? I'm unclear on the plot, the conflict, the problem to resolve, etc., although the worldbuilding was enough to pique my initial interest, and the voice is fun. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLove the voice!!! I think I could follow this guy for several hundred pages! "He intoned" seemed a bit too formal for the tone of this piece. You might want to change it to a simple, "he said." Great beginning. I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteYour style is easy to read for sure, but like many of the others, I felt like the first sentence kept going, and going, and... You get the idea. Maybe something more like:
ReplyDelete'Spoiler alert: The morning I first faced a creature from another world I didn't have any cool weapons, badass krav maga skills, or any of the other stuff guys who later wind up saving a major American city have. Things would probably make more sense that way.'
Just my two cents. Good luck!
Crazy strong voice. That description of Mr. Freeman was pure genius. That said, being late to school is such an ordinary and humdrum scene it doesn't work much as a hook. I have a feeling your voice is strong enough to carry this, but I'd definitely recommend beginning someplace else in the story--somewhere closer to the premise.
ReplyDeleteI want magical creatures! This sounds like an excellent story but I wasn't too keen on reading that the MC was late to class. And Vegas is a terrific setting :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE love this voice. And I think, given the premise, the humor is on point. I also feel like this point is a big point for the first page and probably story as a whole, and I think it could be smoothed out. "Things would probably make more sense that way – if I was The Chosen One. Spoiler alert: There's no such thing."
ReplyDeleteI don't think you even need a dash. I just think it's such a cool/funny point, and I don't think it transitions as well as it could.
I remember seeing this in the logline critique. I liked it then and I still like it now. You've got great voice and I like that the first paragraph gives us a hint of the otherworldly things to come. I did wonder why he had a "painstakingly assembled egg sandwich" when he was running late, but that's probably just me. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat concept and voice. Your first page dropped us right into the action/world. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHa, I really liked this and would definitely read on. Funny, great voice, generally good pace. (Normally long opening sentences turn me off, but you did well there and managed to change my mind!)
ReplyDeleteTotal nitpick, but the egg sandwich bothered me. (To fulfil that sort of outcome, I imagined he'd been balancing it on his handlebars, sans container, and so figured, "Yeah, you deserve to get it smashed!" Surely it's in a lunch box/lunch bag inside a school bag and better protected?)
Another point, I LOVE quirky, but even I'm not sure I'd be up for a magical teenage chef journey. I'd want to be sure that I was getting some realism with emotions, entangled relationships, and plot, and that you weren't just going to pop him in absurd situations for the hell of it. So I'd probably read the back of the book carefully for signs of that and then flick through the first few pages to be sure. Basically, can I care about him? Can I believe the events and want to follow him on this crazy adventure?
Perhaps consider a new opening. I don't think you have to start with aliens right away, but so many YA stories start with someone being late for class. And then he's not even late. He makes it just in the nick in of time, And he doesn't even get in any trouble from his supposedly hard-nosed teacher.
ReplyDeleteYou might also consider using action rather than monologue. Have your character do something instead of telling us everything.
The premise is really cool and interesting. Give us something cool and interesting in your opening.
Great logline and I really like the voice in the opening page. I was a bit turned off by the chosen one/spoiler alert, but as soon as I read the paragraph about the teacher hunting tardies, I was sold. You have some great turns of phrases here and the promise of a great character. Good luck with the auction!
ReplyDeleteNice voice!
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift for voice. This sounds fun and I would continue reading. This sounds a little wordy. "he intoned as I lunged past him and slammed my butt into my seat a split second before the last echo of the bell faded." What about just-- "He said as I slammed my butt into my seat just as the bell rang." I know you're just trying to be creative, but I think it loses it's effectiveness with all the extra words.
ReplyDeleteI love: "Spoiler alert: There is no such thing."
Very intriguing - really love your premise with a boy cooking! Throwing in some romance will always help us turn pages as well.
ReplyDelete1. The opening paragraph was a little clunky and I had to reread it a few times, especially that last sentence.
2. Hunting quail part - very funny!
3. Love the stern teacher and his comment about the class not waiting was right on.
4. I wouldn't mention "chosen one" so early. It seemed out of place.
Good luck!