TITLE: The Tides of Time and Chance
GENRE: Adult - Historical Fantasy Romance
When a social-climbing privateer intent on marriage finds his dream companion in the ruined girl masquerading as his cabin boy and then discovers she's only half human, he must decide between an uncertain future with her and the respectable life he's already sold his soul for.
As for the sea's love affair with the moon, every captain knew his place in that story. High tide was coming to the River Avon and Silas Trescowe would sail with it.
His temples pounding from the pre-voyage revelry chased down by a scant hour's sleep, the Deasura's master punished his face with a handful of cold water from his basin. The blue-on-white piece of Delftware with its Continental townscape and clog-shod figures was one of the few trophies he had kept for himself from the past two years of fighting. The Deasura itself was another. Or at least the best half of it. The tang of fresh sawdust lingered in the brigantine's great cabin and the corner of Silas's mouth nudged upward, but his proud moment was more than held in check by his hangover and the maddening uncertainty that came with his profession. Would it all prove worth it? He had no way of knowing. Would he be making a return trip to England this time? Also impossible to predict, but his gut said no and he wondered what that meant. Beyond dying a gruesome death in the near future, of course.
Silas had ducked into his cabin as much for a break from pretending to relish his job as for a respite from the clamor outside. It soon became apparent, however, that his men's laughter and the bleating of goats had ruthlessly followed him. Resigned, he swiped some of the droplets from his face and stepped back out into the fray.
I liked the poetry of the first line very much, and as a sucker for sea captain stories, I was ready to dive right in :) .
ReplyDeleteI liked Silas noting that his ship was one of the few trophies that he'd kept for himself after the fighting - that's exactly where a captain's heart would be. But I didn't understand the reference to having kept the "best half of it." Did I miss something?
I'm assuming that the piece of Delftware is important later in the story, and I like how it sets up the "ship" as another treasure. But the description itself had enough going it that I had to stop and reread that part a few times. Is there a simpler way to render that? As is, for me, it dragged down the forward motion of the story.
And just for ease of reading, it might be good to break up the second paragraph with some line breaks.
I'll be interested to see how agents and editors feel these days about the mix of genres. Seems that it's becoming more acceptable, and as a reader, I love the mash-up.
Best of luck!
Love all the voice in this!
ReplyDeleteAt the part: “...was one of the few trophies he had kept for himself from the past two years of fighting. The Deasura itself was another. Or at least the best half of it. The tang of fresh sawdust l...” That paragraph is a little long. Wondering if you might want to break it between these two sentences.
And regarding the section with all the questions (“Would it all prove worth it? He had no way of knowing. Would he be making a return trip to England this time? Also impossible to predict, but his gut said no and he wondered what that meant. Beyond dying a gruesome death in the near future, of course.”). Of course, we want some mystery and open questions, but I’m finding this part a little confusing. Perhaps you should name his profession here, if that would make it less confusing.
The last paragraph feels a little telling and I think you can cut the “It soon became apparent, however,” and just say the sound followed him.
Looking forward to your auction. Hope it goes well!
Love all the voice in this!
ReplyDeleteAt the part: “...was one of the few trophies he had kept for himself from the past two years of fighting. The Deasura itself was another. Or at least the best half of it. The tang of fresh sawdust l...” That paragraph is a little long. Wondering if you might want to break it between these two sentences.
And regarding the section with all the questions (“Would it all prove worth it? He had no way of knowing. Would he be making a return trip to England this time? Also impossible to predict, but his gut said no and he wondered what that meant. Beyond dying a gruesome death in the near future, of course.”). Of course, we want some mystery and open questions, but I’m finding this part a little confusing. Perhaps you should name his profession here, if that would make it less confusing.
The last paragraph feels a little telling and I think you can cut the “It soon became apparent, however,” and just say the sound followed him.
Looking forward to your auction. Hope it goes well!
ReplyDeleteVery cool concept. I’d read on just from your logline. Sounds intriguing.
As for the sea's love affair with the moon, every captain knew his place in that story. High tide was coming to the River Avon and Silas Trescowe would sail with it.
A very strong beginning. The hint of mystical magic can be read in the sea moon’s affair with the moon. Somehow, I relate that to the sea captain’s affair with the half- girl, half? What is she? I think I’d like a tiny hint of her on the opening page. Perhaps he somehow seeks her for a cool drink from the fray. I just think I'd like a bit more intrigue in your opening lines.
Good luck! :)
you're exactly right -- the moon-sea comment has something to do with the girl. glad it is something a savvy reader can figure out. :)
DeleteI love the premise of this - a historical fantasy! I really enjoy the juxtaposition of fantasy creatures and the past. You have a great voice, interesting and colorful. Only a couple of suggestions:
ReplyDeleteThe first line seems a little forced. If you expanded it a bit, added more to the first paragraph, it could be great. It's a great line, it just seems a little lonely.
I'm a bit confused by who he is and what he does. This line in particular: "Would it all prove worth it?" What is 'it'?
Also, I would delete the 'it soon became apparent, however'. You're filtering the characters perceptions, which just weakens your prose. It is much stronger to simply say, "His men's laughter and the bleating of goats ruthlessly followed him..." I also removed the 'had' in front of ruthlessly. Much stronger this way.
It sounds like a story I would read! Good luck.
Great logline. This sounds like a terrific story.
ReplyDeleteThe first two lines are poetic, and all through this short excerpt there are some really well-crafted sentences.
However, that second paragraph is kind of like a cement wall. I say that not only because it's long but because it's static. The only thing that happens in these 250 words is Silas washing his face. The rest of it is musing, and it's musing for which we don't have any context at this point, so I quickly started skimming to see if he was going to do something.
I think you'll have a better chance of engaging readers if you make this opening more active. Get Silas out of his cabin, moving around the ship and interacting with his crew. You can work in his backstory and his worries about the voyage as you go.
I love the style in this excerpt, and I agree that the logline is quite strong too. :)
ReplyDeleteThere are just a few spots that could be smoother, and -- although I don't suggest that writers should chop paragraphs up just to keep them shorter (especially when writing for adults) -- I agree that the second paragraph here could probably be broken into two.
In a couple of places I would change the order within the sentences for both clarity and flow. First, I would switch the end of the second sentence in paragraph two to read: 'one of the few trophies from the past two years of fighting that he had kept for himself.' (The 'trophies' are what came from the two years of fighting, so it's cleaner not to break up that idea, and it finishes stronger when you put the emphasis on what he'd kept for himself, which also leads into the sentence that follows.)
In the last paragraph, I would change the first sentence to: 'Silas had ducked into his cabin for a break from pretending to relish his job as much as for a respite from the clamor outside.' Again, it may be a bit subtle, but if you compare the two versions I think it reads more smoothly that way.
Overall, I think the pacing and the focus in this opening scene is appropriate. You don't need to explain everything on the first page (it would be dull if you did!), so it's only right that the reader needs to read further to find out exactly what Silas does. And it's always more effective if the reader gets into the main character's head and becomes invested in him before an action scene takes place.
Good luck! :)
Your log line was super dense and hard to chew. I realize you have a lot going on in your plot, but maybe work on flowing from one point to the next? My two cents version:
ReplyDelete'A social-climbing privateer fall for the ruin of a girl masquerading as his cabin boy. He's hearing wedding bells when he discovers she's only half-human. Now he must decide between an uncertain future with her and the respectable life he's already sold his soul for.'
My other two cents would be to edit the opening line from: "As for the sea's love affair with the moon, every captain knew his place in that story. High tide was coming to the River Avon and Silas Trescowe would sail with it."
To just: "High tide was coming to the River Avon and Silas Trescowe would sail with it."
I think it adds a bit more mystery and intrigue to hook the reader that way.
Good luck!
This is where it gets subjective, but personally I loved the first line. The love affair between the sea and moon hints at something fantastically lovely.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to echo one commenter's suggestion of splitting up the second paragraph. It lets readers know which lines are most important. For instance, you could start a new paragraph at "The tang of fresh..." or "Would it be all worth it?" which would draw our attention to Silas's self-doubt. Whichever works best for you :)
Good luck!
I love the logline. Cool concept. The writing just lost me. It doesn't flow very well for me. Maybe the sentences could be more focused on the protagonist and not start by "the" "the." Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat logline and opening line. It hooked me right away. The second paragraph, I found a bit dense. I'd start by splitting the first sentence to remove the participial phrase then checking if you need to give all those details up front. I kind of lost track of the opening scene by the time I got to the third paragraph.
ReplyDeleteA historical fantasy is lovely! And this description is stunning "tang of fresh sawdust" :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am a bit unsure of the questions and who is asking and answering these questions? "Would it all prove worth it? He had no way of knowing. Would he be making a return trip to England this time?"
It's a great story idea!
Great logline. A historical fantasy!! Awesome concept. That alone made me want to read on. You have a terrific voice to this excerpt, and if the logline hadn't done it already, the first line hooked me just as much. Very nicely done.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue, as some others have pointed out, is that the story starts with Silas retreating to his cabin and reflecting on his past/future. But right outside this cabin, there's a party going on! I'd much rather see what's happening there, where Silas' interactions with the crew can show me if he's respected, if he's a good man, if he deserves a happy ending.
Great job with this. Good luck!