TITLE: Unpossible
GENRE: MG - Science Fiction
Twelve-year-old science prodigy, Banks, just wants his Mom’s attention, but he has to do the unpossible to get it: unlock the science behind Mayan magic and use it to stop a ruthless cosmetics maven before she can uncover the secret of eternal youth and sell it in a bottle.
I think it would help if you start by telling us why he wants her attention and why she's not giving it. As written, I don't see the connection between her attention and a cosmetics maven. Is her quest for eternal youth destined to mean she will never take notice of him again?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I think there is something intriguing in this, and the idea of the kid just wanting mom's attention is believable. However, I'm not sure why he has to do this impossible thing to get it, and right now it makes mom seem kind of like a monster to put him through that, so I don't know that he should succeed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is there some plot reason to use 'unpossible' rather than 'impossible'? If so, I would like the word in italics or something to show it is deliberate because I kept stumbling over it when I read.
"Unpossible" is awkward. If it's part of the story, putting in quotes would alert the reader that it has a special connection. Although wanting the attention of a distant parent is believable - the kind of challenge this kid is accepting to get it begs the question of the parent deserving it. On the other hand - if the mom is a victim of Mayan magic, has grown distant, and the kid wants his mom back - it should be stated upfront.
ReplyDeleteVery original quest for a middle grade story. I was also confused by Bank's motivations, though. Why is this quest the only way to get his mother's attention? Is she only impressed by something at this scale? Is she on a quest to stay forever young? Is she in danger from the cosmetics maven?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "unpossible" comments. I like the idea of the 12-year-old prodigy just wanting a connection to his mom, but I'm struggling to find the importance behind stopped the cosmetics maven. Why would it be so bad if she bottled and sold eternal youth?
ReplyDeleteThis one actually works pretty well for me; I see the fact that a kid wants his mother's attention as one of those natural goals that's a given. The thing I'm a little unsure about here is the word 'unpossible', as Helen also mentioned. On the plus side, it certainly makes the title unique, and if it's a word that Banks uses himself I could see how it might work in the story, but I'm wondering if there's some brief way you could sneak that explanation into the logline.
ReplyDeleteOh, wonderful idea! I just did not see how the mom is linked to the maven? Also, is this a typo? "unpossible" Still, I'd love to read this someday.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me not like Mommy-dearest. If Banks was a middle child, perhaps, I could see the "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" syndrome [apologies to those too young to understand the reference :) ].
ReplyDeleteI had to read this a couple of times since it is all put into one long sentence. After dissecting it, I get the idea that Mommy must be quite vain; she's more into the secret of eternal life than her own kid(s)? Is that the message?
As others commented, I stumbled over the word "unpossible". I think we need to at least have a hint of what the connections is between the cosmetics maven and mom. I know there must be an obvious connection, but it's not quite there.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. I actually thought unpossible was a typo. Would use impossible or quotes. In this logline, if possible, give connection between mom and evil woman, ? Is he trying to solve his mom's quest (which is why she's inattentive)?
ReplyDelete