TITLE: Windfall
GENRE: Adult Romance
A young woman makes enemies when she attempts to save her family’s marina from financial ruin. But when she enlists the help of a mysterious new dockhand, the trouble he brings threatens both her legacy -- and her heart.
“A clam?” Marissa Charnelton sat on the edge of Bayside Bank’s softly worn, brown leather chair and stared open-mouthed at the vice president of business lending. “My loan is being denied because of a clam?”
She shifted, keeping the rays of California sunlight that streamed through the window from exposing the irregular coloration of her second-hand suit. Banks made loans to people who already had money, not people who needed it.
The move let Marissa escape the revelatory light, but not Paula Duncan’s firm, professionally compassionate denial. The woman knew how to break bad news. She probably headed an entire division devoted to it.
“Was my business plan …”
Paula raised a slim hand. The manicure had to have cost more than Marissa’s own shoes. “Everyone knows you have a handle on the industry,” she said, and Marissa didn’t miss the pity in her voice. “But your entire proposal depends on dredging new deep-water berths.”
And now that some rare form of mercenaria mercenaria had taken up breeding in the one area she wanted to develop, it would be the clam that survived, not her family’s legacy.
Marissa swore, and not under her breath.
Part of her had been prepared for the bank to turn her down. Yes, she knew the business. Yes, she’d done nearly every job at the marina for as many of her twenty-three years as she could remember. But she’d also dropped out of college — no, had let herself be forced out, damn it— before getting to her business classes.
I really enjoyed the tone of this story. Done in third person, you still manage to give Marissa a distinct voice right from the get go. The sprinkling of details (second-hand suit, manicure) seemed pretty organic. You've shown the reader Marissa's frustration over her failed attempt to borrow money for her proposal and at the very end of these paragraphs, shared how she had not dropped out of college but, rather, let herself be forced out. Now that's something I want to know more about!
ReplyDeleteWell done!
I really enjoyed the tone of this story. Done in third person, you still manage to give Marissa a distinct voice right from the get go. The sprinkling of details (second-hand suit, manicure) seemed pretty organic. You've shown the reader Marissa's frustration over her failed attempt to borrow money for her proposal and at the very end of these paragraphs, shared how she had not dropped out of college but, rather, let herself be forced out. Now that's something I want to know more about!
ReplyDeleteWell done!
I like the line "My loan is being denied because of a clam?" and think you should start with that, rather than just "A clam?". (Maybe switch those lines so we know what's important about the clam first.)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm not terribly excited about this as an opening scene. Bank loans aren't exciting or particularly interesting to the general romance reader. Perhaps consider showing us the marina itself first, the state it's in, and then go more into the financial ruin as Marissa undertakes its renovations.
Like the voice and the humor in this.
ReplyDelete“She shifted, keeping the rays of California sunlight that streamed through the window from exposing the irregular coloration of her second-hand suit.“ The “irregular coloration” part threw me. I wonder if you can rephrase this. Maybe faded parts of her second-hand suit? I love the line after this. So true about banks!
“Paula raised a slim hand. The manicure had to have cost more than Marissa’s own shoes.” I think you can cut “own.”
You've already thrown in some stakes with the family business at risk and given us a good sense of the main character. I'd read on. Good job!
Like the voice and the humor in this.
ReplyDelete“She shifted, keeping the rays of California sunlight that streamed through the window from exposing the irregular coloration of her second-hand suit.“ The “irregular coloration” part threw me. I wonder if you can rephrase this. Maybe faded parts of her second-hand suit? I love the line after this. So true about banks!
“Paula raised a slim hand. The manicure had to have cost more than Marissa’s own shoes.” I think you can cut “own.”
You've already thrown in some stakes with the family business at risk and given us a good sense of the main character. I'd read on. Good job!
hi, I don't tend to read contemporary romance very much, so I can't say that your logline was a big draw for me, it sounded fairly standard, I guess. however, having lived on the pacific coast where I used to be into clamming, and having my uncle work at a paper mill and having lived through the whole spotted owl controversy, etc., I have to say I was intrigued with your opening! The conflict between government/environmentalists versus local people trying to make a living as they always have is a topic that resonates with me and probably with other people. If that aspect continues to be a focal point of your story, I would include it in your logline somehow, it's something that would set your story apart.
ReplyDeleteI agree with neicole above re the rays of California sunlight sentence - it makes me stumble as a reader. perhaps you could do without "the rays of" and that would make it shorter. exposing the irregular coloration makes sense but is also quite a mouthful - perhaps replace one of those words with a different one that would read easier. try saying it out loud to test it.
Overall, I thought the writing style with its light humor is appropriate to your genre, and I also enjoyed the fun details that you include, such as mercenaria mercenaria.
Good luck!
I'll start by saying I have no interest in reading romance - AT ALL - and I loved the beginning! (Don't you love it when you do something so well you make someone break a rule or move out of their comfort zone?)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love your opening paragraph. I would read more. I want to know about that #%! clam, too. Love the description of your mc and the bank's loan officer (Yes, the "rays of light" and "irregular coloration" are a bit clunky). You managed to tell us a lot about your mc, and the problem that lies at the crux of the story, in the very unlikely setting of a bank. Your details (mercenaria mercenaria) move the story forward instead of slowing it down.
Your logline implies something mysterious - something more than a relationship will be happening in this story - so for a reluctant "romance" reader you've promised enough to keep me reading your story.
The line, "Banks made loans to people who already had money, not people who needed it." made me smile.
ReplyDeleteYour opening was catchy and I could definitely sympathize with the MC. I have to admit, however, I was slightly glad she didn't get the loan when it was revealed that approving it would further endanger a threatened species (it's the tree hugger in me). Not sure how that would play out later in the MS. If, for instance, she dredges anyway, I'm going to get mad at her selfishness in putting her own needs above that of an entire species. If she moves on to another plan, then, great, game on I'll keep reading. This might be a singular, weirdo, Californian quirk in me, but I wanted to be honest.
Also, would she truly cuss out loud in front of the loan officer she's trying so desperately to impress? You might want to have her keep that as internal dialog.
Good luck!
As someone who reads a fair amount of contemporary romance, let me say this sounds like a story I'd enjoy. I like that you're starting in a scene that gets to the heart of the story's external conflict. Marissa's internal narrative shows a mix of determination, uncertainty, and humor that makes her very likable.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Peter's suggestion to start with "My loan is being denied because of a clam?" as that sets up the problem very succinctly. Also, I think you could leave out the description of the chair in the first paragraph. Your other details are very well chosen to develop character; the chair doesn't serve a similar purpose.
The logline is straight forward. I love the voice in the premise and the stakes are obvious and high enough. I wish she would understand more about the importance of saving rare species. For someone who loves the sea, she sounded somewhat unconcerned and heartless. I wonder if that's a trait. Very nice, though. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOverall, this was really good. I loved her swearing! Got us quickly to who she was and how she was feeling. Lots of other funny parts too. Great voice.
ReplyDeleteMy main issue was with a few descriptions that dragged and could be sharpened, specifically these:
Marissa Charnelton sat on the edge of Bayside Bank’s softly worn, brown leather chair and stared open-mouthed at the vice president of business lending.
not Paula Duncan’s firm, professionally compassionate denial.
She shifted, keeping the rays of California sunlight that streamed through the window from exposing the irregular coloration of her second-hand suit.
The above are fine, just a little long and wordy for an opening page. A little trimming or reworking might help.
Also the business classes bit at the end here confused me: 'But she’d also dropped out of college — no, had let herself be forced out, damn it— before getting to her business classes.' I get that she dropped out and took up business classes instead. But it seems like she's saying she was forced out of higher learning to engage in... higher learning. Does that make sense? Just feels a little paradoxical in this sentence (in terms of how it's written; not in real life. This happens to people all the time, I'm sure).
Sorry, Authoress, the above comment was from me! Nae_K. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't really drawn to the plot based on the logline, and I apologize for saying this, but it seemed like a cliche romance. I would like to know what is unique about this story that makes it different than all other romance stories? However, I do like your MC and I get a good sense of her character based on the humor and the descriptions. I think you could reveal a little more mystery in the logline, so it stands out.
ReplyDeleteAs a sailboat owner, I was drawn to your logline. The first page has a great voice and I love the details you spread throughout the scene. My favorite paragraph is where she shifts out of the sun not to expose her old suit, and I was wondering if that wouldn't be a better opening line. I would also suggest moving the part where Marissa comments on Paula Duncan’s denial to after Paula speaks instead of before. Shifting the paragraphs around should make this stronger. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThere is a subtle humor which I like. "Knew how to break bad news..." loved it. I agree with many of the other suggestions and can't wait to see how the clam plays out. This is a very realistic premise. Good luck at auction.
ReplyDelete