Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #9

TITLE: The Relic Heir
GENRE: MG - Urban fantasy

When Kyle inherits his suicidal father’s magical relic, he’s cursed by Baba Yaga and marked for death by a militant Russian society. Doomed to become the witch’s violent pawn or die at the hands of the Obshestvo, Kyle must break the curse to save himself and his dad.


  1. This would be stronger if you used the same terms for all the players here. I'm guessing that Baba Yaga is the witch and Obshestvo is the Russian society and his father is his dad (that one is obvious), but it took a couple reads to figure this out. Also, it would help to know why these people are after him now that he has the relic.

    Good luck!

  2. There is an interesting story here, and you have the pieces of a great log line, but I think it needs a little rearranging. For example, you could start with: "Cursed by Baba Yaga and marked for death by a militant Russian society..." This sets up the situation in a specific way, and you can then explain what Kyle needs to do to resolve it and what is at stake.

    Also, this is a silly thing, but can you really inherit something if the owner is still alive?

  3. Great concept. The question I have: how does breaking the curse save him? He'll still have the relic that they would kill to get their hands on. I'm not also clear on the stakes, other than saving himself. What would happen if they get this relic?

  4. This character sounds like he's up against impossible odds, and that's good! I'm confused about how he can inherit from a living (albeit suicidal) father. Does breaking Baba Yaga's curse put and end to the Russian death sentence? That's the only way I can figure that he might save himself and his dad. If that's happens to be the correct answer, the pitch needs to spell it out. Good luck--it sounds intense.

  5. This sounds interesting, but I'm confused by the wording. What does the "inherits his suicidal father’s magical relic" has to do with anything? What does he relic does? How does he use it? It sounds like the relic forces the holder to commit suicide? If you could only focus on this, that would help build the character arc. The MC is cursed by a witch and marked by a secret society. There is too much going on for me. I don't know what they are after exactly. The relic? I'm lost.

  6. This sounds high-stakes, which is great, but I'm confused. How can he inherit something from his suicidal father, when said father is still alive? He is still alive, isn't he? Isn't that why the MC must save him? I'm also having trouble balancing the two "forces" that are out to get him. If he's cursed, why is he also targeted by the Russian militants? I think you have a lot going on in this pitch, and you may need to step back to simplify a bit--or spell things out more clearly, as Chris suggested.