TITLE: SENTINEL
GENRE: Adult Historical Paranormal Fantasy
It's 1952 and tensions are high as the Cold War's in full swing. But when the United States' top psychic, Ruslan, goes rogue and threatens to destroy the civilized world one atomic bomb at a time, the world powers must work together to assemble their best psychics and soldiers to hunt him down.
With a single action he forfeited his life.
Frowning at the backs of the two dour guards escorting him, he quickened his step to keep pace with the officials' long stride. Their footsteps echoed ominously along the endless, empty corridor. A young man, now nearly eighteen, Draza didn’t specifically know why he'd suddenly been transferred into the deep dark of an obscure mountain fortress, but well understood it had to do with his brother's vanishing from the DIA, the Defense Intelligence Agency’s, research facility in Fort Meade nearly six months back.
"I'm not a liar. I don't know where my brother is."
Tensing, one of the soldiers snapped his head to the left and eyed Draza over his shoulder. "What?" His mouth twisted down as he nearly spat the words, "I didn't ask you anything."
"Yes, but you were thinking it."
The soldier outwardly acted as though he wasn't concerned by the comment, mildly quirking his brow back at him. And yet, Draza knew better. Squared shoulders, tightened jaw, creases as the corners of the mouth, he didn't need his ability to read minds to see just how much he'd affected the soldier. Ever since childhood his telepathic talent made everyone uncomfortable.
With a sigh of exasperation, Draza added, “It's cold here.”
Clearing his throat and motioning his hand, the soldier quickened his pace and gruffly ordered, “Keep moving. This way.”
Yes, get me off your hands as quickly as possible and be done with me.
This type of story isn't my thing, but I love the intro - with the exception of the line "Yes, but you were thinking it." You'd lose nothing - and gain worlds - by cutting that line. We get it from the next paragraph. (You might also cut the Ever since childhood sentence, since we should be able to figure that out ourselves.) Great beginning. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis has a military feel and I also like the intro sentence. First line caught my attention and we are right there with the guy.
ReplyDeleteMy big question is, who is your MC? If it's not Ruslan, I'd put him in the first scene somehow. You've already hooked us with Draza's predicament, I'd rewrite the logline to reflect it. If I've gotten it wrong, please ignore.
Also, I didn't get that Draza was psychic until nearly the end. I'd make it clearer, possibly rewriting the sentence 'Yes, but you were thinking it.'
My suggestion is to redo your logline and write it from the POV of the MC. Also, state his goal. As is, it is nebulous.
Pickies: in the second paragraph, identify the 'he' as Draza. It is first mention. Also, insert 'had' between 'telepathic talent' and 'everyone.
Interesting time period and plot!
I'm interested in the use of psychics in this time period (but be aware that this is a very difficult era to market and it's still kind of recent to be classified as "historical.") It's a good opening, too.
ReplyDeleteMy one quibble is when authors use only pronouns for the first few sentences or paragraphs. There's no reason to not use Draza's name in the first sentence. It establishes him as the POV character and grounds the reader.
SanWrites brings up a great point about reframing your logline to your MC. Ruslan is the only name mentioned, and it seems he's the antagonist, so who are we rooting for? Draza?
Lastly, where does the fantasy come in? Your genre may be redundant. Paranormal covers the psychic elements, and the plot sounds more like paranormal historical thriller (or action).
Hi, I love a good Cold War story, and adding psychics is even better! Here's a few suggestions:
ReplyDeleteI see another commenter loved your opening line, but I found it confusing, actually. does forfeit his life mean he's going to die? if so, I don't want to know ahead of time, I want to know when it happens. it's too early in the story to understand that the guy's psychic, so it sounds strange coming from his POV off the bat. or, if it just means he forfeits his freedom, say that.
also, re DIA, I think the first time we see this, give us the whole name (but not both name and abbreviation). afterwards, just use DIA in the text.
I also found the logline versus this opening confusing, since ruslan is only person mentioned by name in the logline. if draza is the MC, make that clear in the logline.
also, I think using echoed and empty in the same sentence is redundant. you could remove "empty" without any problem, and that also gets rid of having 2 adjs together on your first page.
also, "acted as though" is a bit redundant. I think the language could be tightened up here, perhaps: "outwardly acted unconcerned"
finally, "motioning his hand" is a bit awkward. maybe "motioning with his hand" ?
That said, I think this is a good scene to start your story with -- I'm intrigued and definitely want to learn what's coming. Good luck!
Love the premise. I only had nitpicks, which a lot of others covered. I'd rewrite the logline so it's clear who the MC is. If it's Draza (who I'm already liking), then introduce him in the logline and the antagonist as his brother. The familial relationship is also a great hook for a high stakes thriller like this.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
- This is miniscule, but "Cold War's" felt awkward; just say "Cold War is."
ReplyDelete- I love the sound of this book! My only other comment on your logline was that it didn't introduce the main character. (My first assumption was that your protagonist was actually going to be Ruslan.) But I understand you had to trim it down for the contest. It hooked me, and that's the point.
- Draza sounded like a high fantasy name, not a US named during the 50s.
- You can remove the possessive from Defense Intelligence Agency('s). It's confusing and technically ungrammatical since you just have "DIA" before that. (And it works without the possessive just fine.)
- My thought at the end of this page is that it's too stuffed with information: the density made it hard to read. There's so much you want me to know, like Draza reading minds, his not knowing what's going on, his knowing about his brother...but it all came out as telling, not showing. Show me Draza reading minds. Maybe he's reading the mind of one of the soldiers and can see that this is about his brother.
- I don't need to know everything--like where his brother escaped from or that he's frowning at the guards as he quickens his steps. Most of this first page is actually not important for me to know. As you focus more on showing instead of telling, I think all the fluff will be cut out and we'll get at the real meat of the story.
- I really like Draza! I don't know why, but his character really hooked me. I'd keep reading, even if it's just for him.
I'm not one for Cold War Era stories, but this one sounds great! I love the twist with the psychics and the MC really hooked me. I love the first line, but after reading the entire entry, it didn't seem to fit...but I'm guessing it's his brother who forfeited his life, and not Draza...but it's not clear and it did confuse me a little. Also, I thought Ruslan was the MC, so when Draza's name was mentioned, it did take me out of the story and I had to re-read that bit.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really get a feel of the period either, it seemed more advanced and didn't "feel 50s."
Overall, I would keep reading, good luck! (D. Roosa)
I'm not one for Cold War Era stories, but this one sounds great! I love the twist with the psychics and the MC really hooked me. I love the first line, but after reading the entire entry, it didn't seem to fit...but I'm guessing it's his brother who forfeited his life, and not Draza...but it's not clear and it did confuse me a little. Also, I thought Ruslan was the MC, so when Draza's name was mentioned, it did take me out of the story and I had to re-read that bit.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really get a feel of the period either, it seemed more advanced and didn't "feel 50s."
Overall, I would keep reading, good luck! (D. Roosa)
(I wrote my comments before reading the others. If I repeat what they've said, just take it as more than one vote on the same subject.)
ReplyDeleteI haven't been commenting on loglines but I wanted to say that your premise is interesting, but I'm bothered that I don't know who this story is about. Is Ruslan, the rogue psychic, the main character, or is it someone trying to stop him? It's hard to get sucked into a story with no clear protagonist.
The first line is interesting, but it also contains one of my pet peeves—pronouns without antecedents. Is there a reason to say "he" instead of "Draza"? If not, just say it.
Also, the first line implies that Draza knows what he's done and why his life will be forfeited because of it, but right away, we learn that he doesn't actually know why he's been arrested. It left me feeling a little confused.
Overall, it's a cool idea. You've obviously started at a moment of great conflict and tension. I'm curious to know what part psychics play in this alternate world and how one psychic could destroy the world.
Nice logline. Nice premise. What's not to like? Maybe I'd like a little bit more setting and more stakes. I'm not sure why they cuffed him? Snatched him? Imprisoned him? Hold him for ransom? Stakes! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis isn't typical of what I usually like but it still hooked me. I connected to Draza even in the little bit that I saw. I liked that you got right into the story. It's original.
ReplyDeleteA few things I noticed are, as others have said, Draza isn't a usual name for that time so unless it will turn out that he is from another time or place I'd recommend a more 50s name.
Also, in the first line you said that with a single action he forfeited his life. I wasn't sure if the action was telling the soldier that he could read minds or something he had done earlier. If it was something done earlier, I would recommend changing it to he had forfeited his life.
Well done and good luck.
Wow! It's a Historical Paranormal Fantasy which is fascinating for sure. I wasn't sure if Draza was the MC because that's who is introduced, but the logline said Ruslan. I think you'd want to introduce your MC early. However, the placement of the opening is good because we dive right into the action...good luck.
ReplyDeleteThe opening line hooked me, and I like how you immediately get in the paranormal aspect of the story by referring to Draza's ability early on. I also like how you start with action and sprinkle in background details.
ReplyDeleteYou could make this great opening even better with a few small changes. The line "ever since childhood" is a little tell-y. We can see Draza has made the guard uncomfortable, leave it at that. Also, the line explaining the DIA sounds tell-y - I'd say leave it at his brother's disappearance. (This is also making me rethink some tell-y sentences in my own opening, so thanks for helping me out.) ;)
This opening has great potential! Good luck!
The opening line hooked me, and I like how you immediately get in the paranormal aspect of the story by referring to Draza's ability early on. I also like how you start with action and sprinkle in background details.
ReplyDeleteYou could make this great opening even better with a few small changes. The line "ever since childhood" is a little tell-y. We can see Draza has made the guard uncomfortable, leave it at that. Also, the line explaining the DIA sounds tell-y - I'd say leave it at his brother's disappearance. (This is also making me rethink some tell-y sentences in my own opening, so thanks for helping me out.) ;)
This opening has great potential! Good luck!