Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #10

TITLE: The Antidote
GENRE: MG - Fantasy

Lonely 12 year old Adam Revelstoke can see disease, and reluctantly battles ILL, the ancient evil behind much sickness. Adam must use this newfound family “gift” to thwart ILL’s plan to destroy mankind with a new super disease, worse than polio, worse than small pox.



  1. This would be stronger if you told us what incites him to battle ILL now. Is it the discovery of his gift? Also, it would help if you made this personal to him by telling us what HE has to lose. I know it's obvious that destroying mankind would mean losing everyone, but characters act because of the people they love and not because of all of mankind. Who or what does he stand to lose here?

    Good luck!

  2. I like the concepts here--seeing disease, a plague mastermind--but the actually blurb is a little vague and doesn't seem to flow well. It reads as Adam is battling ILL, and now he has to battle ILL, which is a little circular.

  3. I agree with the previous posts - is there a particular sick person in Adam's life that he wants to save? That person's death would be more personal stakes than saving the world. I also wonder if you could choose more recent illnesses to mention than polio or small pox. Most MG readers wouldn't know what they are since they were cured before their generation.

  4. Why is Adam reluctant? That is unclear to me. And what makes it a "newfound" gift?

    Also, I agree with Jennifer--I was thinking the same thing about smallpox and polio. Would kids even be familiar with this?

  5. I did not see the character arc here. So Adam has inherited a family super power. How does that change his life? Why decide to go on a chase after someone who spreads diseases? Is ILL a mad scientist, and alien?

  6. I agree with the others that his motivation for battling ILL isn't clear, especially if he's reluctant about doing so. You say that he's lonely. Does battling ILL somehow help him overcome his loneliness? If so, I'm curious to know how.

    I had the same thoughts as Jennifer and Kay about the diseases you mention. Both are no longer problems and most kids probably won't know much about them. Why not use ebola or some other in-the-news disease? I know I would immediately wonder what could be worse than ebola and want to know how he can stop it.

  7. Okay, maybe it's just me but I wanted to point it out anyway, when I first read the first sentence I read it like ILL was a disease not evil mastermind or whatever? Again, could be me but wanted to point it out.

    Like the others I think you need to make his motives a little more clear and establish personal stakes. Also, the words "behind much sickness" stood out to me as being awkward. Still, this is very intriging!