TITLE: The Mark of the Cagairáin
GENRE: YA - Historical Paranormal
When an eighteenth-century Scottish lassie learns she’s the last Cagairáin, an ancient race of enchanters who can tame vampires with their words, she must join forces with the boy who betrayed her heart to defeat a psychopathic bloodsucker bent on usurping her powers.
It wasn’t like me to misbehave.
Usually I strived to be a daughter my parents could be proud of. I applied myself to my lessons with the laird’s daughter and accompanied the village healer on her weekly rounds. I never spoke ill of others or neglected my chores at home or in my father’s smithy.
But ever since he’d come back all sense of propriety had fled me.
For heaven’s sake – I was alone in the woods in the middle of the night with a boy. And contemplating absconding to the high hills with him, no less.
Could I even commit a greater crime against common decency?
In my defence, I’d wager it would be a rare lass indeed who could gaze into those mischievous green eyes of his and still care for the consequences of her actions.
I flicked my gaze over the young highlander standing before me, moonlight trickling through the canopy painting his silhouette silver. Six feet and counting, hair as wild as fire, and a chest so broad I probably could’ve wrapped my arms around him and not been able to touch my fingers together, Aiden MacEachan was a far cry from the lanky lad who enlivened so many of my childhood memories.
No, he was a man. A man who ignited my heart and calmed my soul.
“Don’t you want to?”
I blinked. “Ho ye?”
The lilt of fiddle music drifted on the night air, coiling around the tree trunks and tangling in their leaves.
The Mark of the Cagairáin
ReplyDeleteHi, I enjoyed reading this. More detailed thoughts below. Georgiana (Checks and Balances, No. 22)
Things I liked:
• Interesting premise with a good mix of the historical, the paranormal and the romantic
• The contract between the heroine’s usual “good girl” approach to life and the risks she’s taking in the opening
• The early introduction of a (presumably) romantic hero who sounds very appealing
Things I thought could be improved:
• Perhaps a little more sense of the stakes and what she’s doing out there. Is she just meeting a boy she likes and the risk is that she shames her family, or is there something more sinister going on. Clearly, it’s a fine line between showing the stakes and giving everything away, and I did like the sense of mystery, but I felt you could tip just a little more towards setting up the conflict.
I was hooked by the logline. It's mysterious and different. Magic and historical, good girl versus bad girl, a promise of romance. Nice.
ReplyDeleteWhat could be better: First, I REALLY wanted to see something of her powers displayed. What is a Cagairain? Give us a teaser, please. Second, I wasn't with her as closely because I didn't know her goal. You might make it clearer.
Pickies: the past tense of strive is 'strove'. Put a comma after 'come back'. the word 'fled' is awkward as you've used it, and it jars.
Keep working on this unique story!
Very fun! I like the voice, the opening line, the poor lassie's predicament. ("Fled" works for me). Perhaps you could hint at the paranormal elements of the story with a quick detail or two about her "lessons with the laird's daughter". I'd also like to know what she plans to do with the highlander- why she must go with him- besides the fact that he's gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Good log line.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn’t like me to misbehave. Who is me? I’d like some way of knowing who the main character is up front.
Would like to know what these lessons she excelled in entail. Do they have anything to do with her paranormal abilities?
The section introducing Aiden is well constructed. He’s charming and swoonworthy and makes the reader want to continue with the story to see how these two can have a relationship and kill vampires together.
Good luck! :)
Your opening sentence draws us in and leaves me wanting to know more about her. You give a series of hints about the type of girl she might be and then there's Aiden... I definitely want to read more about him and what their future together holds.
ReplyDeleteA story about a highlander vampire tamer - yes please!
- This logline feels like two sentences put into one. It was too long for me to remember what was going on by the time I reached the end. How about simply: "An eighteenth-century Scottish lassie learns she’s the last Cagairáin, an ancient race of enchanters who can tame vampires with their words. When a psychopathic bloodsucker becomes bent on usurping her powers, she must join forces with the boy who betrayed her heart in order to defeat the monster."
ReplyDelete- I like the whole opening about her parents and how she's usually obedient and good. This sets up both her character and the tension.
- I confess that I tuned out during the paragraph describing him. I think these descriptions need to be spread out more.
- "Ho ye" totally confused me. I have no idea what that means. I would personally recommend dropping any written accent with the characters: we know the setting and will make up the accent in our heads.
The voice sounds very authentic here, which I appreciate, but I was thrown off by the line - "Ho ye" - completely took me out of the story and left me trying to guess what she said...I assume I'd have more luck with the assumption after reading on a bit.
ReplyDeleteIf I opened this in a bookstore, without reading what it is about, I would keep reading to see where this goes. I think your descriptions are spot on and paint a great picture. However, if I DID read the book flap or your logline prior to the actual story, I probably would've skipped it only because...vampires. Once upon a time I loved vampires, but they've over saturated the market (in a bad way) and the vamps of today are just not scary (like they should be). (My opinion only, not a reflection of your writing.) Now, if I kept reading to find that this story was more Buffy than Twilight, I would probably devour it!
Good luck! (D. Roosa)
The voice sounds very authentic here, which I appreciate, but I was thrown off by the line - "Ho ye" - completely took me out of the story and left me trying to guess what she said...I assume I'd have more luck with the assumption after reading on a bit.
ReplyDeleteIf I opened this in a bookstore, without reading what it is about, I would keep reading to see where this goes. I think your descriptions are spot on and paint a great picture. However, if I DID read the book flap or your logline prior to the actual story, I probably would've skipped it only because...vampires. Once upon a time I loved vampires, but they've over saturated the market (in a bad way) and the vamps of today are just not scary (like they should be). (My opinion only, not a reflection of your writing.) Now, if I kept reading to find that this story was more Buffy than Twilight, I would probably devour it!
Good luck! (D. Roosa)
This is definitely the kind of book I would pick up and then not put back down. Your descriptions really come alive for me. I love how observant and near prose-like they are. The premise that a mortal, and a strong, female lead at that, could tame a vampire with words is icing on the cake. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I do agree with the above comments that the "Ho ye" is really confusing and that it would be good to give the girl a name up front.
Really great job otherwise.
Good luck!
I don't have a lot to add on top of what others have said. The voice is great in this and I already have a sense of the girl. I agree about the "ho, ye" line. The "calms my soul" part didn't work for me, as she seems very excited about this boy. I'm not sensing any calm. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteSuch a fun and exciting read! Oh, so many conflicts on the horizon. I cannot wait until this book hits the market! Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI found your logline really enticing, but I was a bit back-winded with the first page. I found the opening telling, as if she was summarizing what should have been the opening chapter. Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteStraight up we can see the MC's conflict and the challenge she will have to face to get what she wants. I can also sense the tone of the book and would be ready for romance :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYour premise is very intriguing. How could you go wrong with vampires and Scotland. I love the opening line. My one suggestion with this is to maybe cut out the paragraph right after the opening line and just skip to "But ever since he'd come back all sense of propriety fled me." I think getting into the description of the ways she didn't misbehave takes away some of the punch in the first line. I really enjoyed reading this and would love to read more! Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteBased on your logline, why is the psycho vampire wanting to usurp her powers? And what do you mean by "tame vampires with her words" - is she like a siren? Does she try to control vampires to vanquish them or is there another reason they exist? Is the psycho vampire trying to kill her because he wants revenge over the loss of his species? Why is she the last one? My questions are simply wondering about the conflict here.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening line, but following it with all the reasons she tries to be good wasn't intriguing anymore. I wanted to know immediately why she misbehaved. Just some thoughts.
Good luck!
Well written and interesting. I would definitely continue reading. One thing that I'm wondering about is the line: A man who ignited my heart and calmed my soul. In my thoughts, it was a bit of a tension killer because the only one who could calm the soul of a protagonist is going to be the love interest that she ends up with on the last page. It's a great line, good use of words, but I'm immediately thinking ahead and have lost a bit of interest. Keep the intrigue, keep the reader guessing. Is he the one, or will there be someone better that comes along later in the story. Just a thought. Good luck!
ReplyDelete