TITLE: The Disappearance of Sloane Stevens
GENRE: YA - Contemporary
After years in witness protection, seventeen-year-old Sloane Stevens’ wish is coming true: she’s getting released. Someone confessed to the murder she witnessed and as soon as she graduates, she’ll be Sloane for good. But when she runs into Jason, her old best friend, she has a choice: inform the Marshals and risk remaining in protection, or stay quiet and risk being found by mobsters who, despite what the Marshals say, might still want her silenced.
Out of all the names she’d had in the last seven years, she liked this one the best: Sloane Stevens. It looked right, printed there at the top of her new class schedule. Good thing too, since it was the last one she was ever going to have.
“There’s just one more thing I have for you and then you’re all set,” the secretary said gently. She was a little hard to hear over the buzz of voices coming from the hall on the other side of the glass wall behind Sloane and the incessant ringing of phones inside the front office.
Sloane glanced up from her schedule to find the secretary smiling kindly. Her short, curly white hair and the deep crow’s feet around her sympathetic eyes screamed helpful grandmother. She actually looked a little like their neighbor eight towns back who was a grandmother of eleven.
“I figured it must be hard to transfer so late in your senior year,” the secretary continued, “so I marked up a map of the school with the location of all of your classes. That way, at least you won’t get lost on your first day.”
Aw, Sloane thought. Out of all the schools she’d attended, no one had ever done that for her before. She peeked at the nameplate sitting on the side of the tall counter separating her from the rest of the office. “Thanks, Mrs. Zalinsky. That’s really thoughtful of you.”
Great premise, and I like the question the opening scene sets up - Who (and why) is Sloane Stevens? I wonder if you're laying it on too much, though - "all the names in seven years," "last one ever," "eight towns back," "of all the schools." Four hints in the first 200 words is a lot of hinting. YA audiences are smart (and they'll have read the jacket copy :-) ). What if it started:
ReplyDelete==========
Out of all the names, she liked this one the best: Sloane Stevens. It looked right, printed there at the top of her new class schedule. Good thing, too. It was the last one she'd ever need. [need, not have might be more urgent in its gently insistent way]
[.... the rest as written until....]
"....That way, at least you won't get lost on your first day."
No one had ever done that for her before. She peeked at...[the rest as written]
===========
The question is still there, but no longer forced upon us.
I'm not sure who Jason is or why he matters, which is fine - your logline isn't a query. But the premise sounds terrific. (Just please, please tell me Jason is neither a zombie nor a vampire.)
Very nice! Interesting premise. The one thing I'm wondering is this - is Mrs. Zalinsky important? If not, the first page of your book is an important piece of real estate - perhaps use it to let us know more about the plot. As with all critiques - use what makes sense for you, ignore what doesn't!
ReplyDeleteVery nice! Interesting premise. The one thing I'm wondering is this - is Mrs. Zalinsky important? If not, the first page of your book is an important piece of real estate - perhaps use it to let us know more about the plot. As with all critiques - use what makes sense for you, ignore what doesn't!
ReplyDeleteI really like this.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue is the fact that Jason is brought up in the logline, but not mentioned in the opening. Maybe just mention her best friend, but don't name him.
Otherwise, I really like the flow of this piece. I feel sympathetic for how the character's life has been constantly uprooted. Definitely makes me curious how it came to be that way, and how she can possibly fix it.
I love the idea of a teen trying to establish her identity- very relatable and yet Sloane's story has a unique spin. I'd like to learn more about why she finally gets to come out of witness protection and hear less about the secretary- I agree with Kelly's concern.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you!
Love the premise. Be careful with adverbs--"slowly" and "gently" appear in this opening. Not sure you need them. I also am wondering if the secretary is going to play a big role in the story, as you have developed her character quite a bit right off the bat. I'm also wondering if a high school kid would be embarrassed over having a map with the locations of her classes marked. (Instead of feeling tenderness toward the secretary, a teen might feel disdain.) Good luck with this!
ReplyDeletePacing here seems off to me. Super cool premise, you don't get many YA witness protection protags, but I feel like the dialogue here could be tightened. It also seems unnecessary to have 2, separate beats for the secretaries information. I think that would help move things along, keep things tight.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise, but I have a question: If someone confessed to the murder she witnessed and everything's good now, why wouldn't she go back to her birth name and her home town? I'm sure you have the answer later in the book, but this was just something I mulled with what I was given.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, good luck!
I like your premise, and your first paragraph is strong. It introduces the idea of her many past identities and makes me wonder why she's in this situation.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is clear and descriptive. I can see and hear the atmosphere in the office.
My only problem is that there isn’t much tension or conflict in this page. She has a new name that she likes, and the secretary is being especially sweet. It wouldn't make me close the book, but I'm waiting for something to actually happen. Unless the secretary is an important character, maybe you could shorten her introduction and description and move quickly to the point where something goes wrong. (Because we all know something has to go wrong!)
Overall, I would turn the page, but I'd be expecting some conflict on page two.
I like your premise, and your first paragraph is strong. It introduces the idea of her many past identities and makes me wonder why she's in this situation.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is clear and descriptive. I can see and hear the atmosphere in the office.
My only problem is that there isn’t much tension or conflict in this page. She has a new name that she likes, and the secretary is being especially sweet. It wouldn't make me close the book, but I'm waiting for something to actually happen. Unless the secretary is an important character, maybe you could shorten her introduction and description and move quickly to the point where something goes wrong. (Because we all know something has to go wrong!)
Overall, I would turn the page, but I'd be expecting some conflict on page two.
I'm glad you're not in a rush to get to juicier bits. There is enough conflict in Sloane's situation that it pulls me in.
ReplyDeleteI think you do have a few opportunities to tighten though:
e.g. There’s just one more thing I have for you and then you’re all set
to
One more thing then you're all set
and delete 'who was a grandmother of eleven.' and maybe 'on the other side of the glass wall behind Sloane'
A young person in witness protection is fertile ground to tell a compelling story. Sounds exciting.
ReplyDeleteAs noted in an earlier comment, I too would shorten the description of the secretary. "She reminded Sloane of the grandmother of eleven…"
Finally, you may already know this and the name was chosen because it is an element of the story, but there is a pretty well known American tennis professional named Sloane Stephens. "The tennis player?" was the first thing I thought when I saw the title. It might not be a big deal, but it might be something that needs to be addressed.
Good luck!
Original concept. Nice logline. I'm in! Goo luck!
ReplyDeleteI like your first paragraph! I think it sets things up well.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind having things start a little slowly. I like set-up, I don't need to be "thrown into the action." And I think you're doing a good job making the reader intrigued by Sloane's life. But I would be careful because the sweet grandma and Sloane's sweet response to the sweet grandma is setting a certain tone - a sweet tone - that I'm not sure you want? Or maybe you do - maybe this place is going to be the first place that Sloane feels happy and at home? Or maybe your establishing that Sloane is a really nice girl? It's hard to tell because I have a page to go on and who knows what's going to happen on page 2. I think just be aware of the tone that's being set.
Good luck!
This premise is intriguing. The first paragraph does a great job of pulling the reader in immediately. I agree that you don't need the words "gently" and "kindly". I also think that Sloane might just say "Thank you" instead of "thanks, Ms. Zalinsky. That's really thoughtful of you." Unless of course this is part of her personality. Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of a teen in witness protection over a murder, however, I'm confused. If she's out of witness protection, why would it matter if she ran into someone from her past? Is there more to the story with Jason and was he involved with the murder too? Or would he just blow her cover? Where are her parents? Is the risk staying in witness protection or protecting her life? The title insinuates that she is going to disappear. Just some thoughts. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the premise very much! I am a little confused by the logline, though, regarding why seeing her old friend causes her trouble. If the person has confessed to a murder, then isn't it all done and dusted? Or is there something more that would endanger her vis a vis the mobsters? There's a critical bit there that makes me wonder why she can't return to her old world.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a problem as others do with Mrs. Zalinsky being in the first 250 if she isn't a main character. I think she establishes a certain comfort which has been lacking over the past several years. That alone is more about Sloane and less about Mrs. Z, so I have no problem with it. I also really like your starting para.
Well done! FWIW, I would read this :)
I like the premise very much! I am a little confused by the logline, though, regarding why seeing her old friend causes her trouble. If the person has confessed to a murder, then isn't it all done and dusted? Or is there something more that would endanger her vis a vis the mobsters? There's a critical bit there that makes me wonder why she can't return to her old world.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a problem as others do with Mrs. Zalinsky being in the first 250 if she isn't a main character. I think she establishes a certain comfort which has been lacking over the past several years. That alone is more about Sloane and less about Mrs. Z, so I have no problem with it. I also really like your starting para.
Well done! FWIW, I would read this :)
Very interesting story. Great logline, and I'd really like to read more of this. Cut out some of the adverbs and I think you'd be golden. :)
ReplyDelete