Miss Snark's First Victim
Great opening. I really got a sense of Violet's unfettered personality as well as the contrasting worlds. Would definitely read more.
Love this. Great voice. I'd definitely read on. But I do have the same concern as I had from your query - I don't get a sense of Violet and what is at stake for her in a personal way. I'm still afraid this might be a bad situation rather than a story. But I'd read on to find out.
You do some good character and world building in your first 500 without having an info dump. You also do a good job of raising some questions that make me want to keep reading (like, why is she pretending to be a privileged exchange student and who/what is Fox?). Good job.
The world-building and backstory elements are woven in elegantly and you do a great job building suspense and stirring curiosity. I'd live to read more.
I probably wouldn't normally read in this genre, but this pulled me in. The writing is excellent! Great voice and great world-building. I hope there's a lurking agent out there to spot this one!Good luck to you.
I like Violet. She makes me giggle. Love the line about breeding :) I'd definitely read more.I like the way you world-build, bit by bit. The only spot that felt a little heavy was the 6th paragraph. Unless the names and details of the planets are super-important right away you could probably cut everything before "Pretending to be..." That's when you get to the intriguing bit about Fox that keeps us reading.Like I said I'm hooked by Violet's humor and her intriguing search, but after that you have her internal thoughts focused a lot on the barefoot children again. Are they really important to the story? I just feel like four mentions is a lot for the first pages if they aren't integral, but I don't know yet. Wish I did. Love this.
I am not clear yet on Violet's situation but I like the way you place an ordinary girl within another world - that very casualness makes it more believable. I think that some of the repetition of the word "young man" did not work. It seems such an unnatural way for two girls of that age to talk - wouldn't she just say "a guy?" I got the longing for adventure that Violet has but was unsure why there was so much emphasis on bare footed children or why it was necessary to say they had dark skin? I lost my initial attraction to Violet when she just up and decides to steal from her roommate as if this is no big deal. I began then to think this is a character I wouldn't want to get to know.
I'd definitely read on. I want to know why she's hiding out (or if she is), who/what Fox is and whether or not she'll get off world. Nicely done!
I would read on. I liked the way you established the unfamiliar world bit-by-bit without too much infodump. There is a believable voice, a mystery, and I'm curious to know Violet's story. I, too, thought the "barefoot children" appeared a few too many times, like you were hitting that point home.
I really like this. It felt effortless to read, I never got tripped up or started re-writing lines in my head ;) I like how you immediately describe what the character sees within her framework, not just a list of scenery. All those early words feel chosen and necessary. Nice working in of her time/place with what's currently going on so it doesn't feel like backstory.I'm so glad this excerpt is strong, I like the premise from the query. Best of luck!
Nice work. You created a great image in my head, and I particularly liked the first paragraph. You also raise story questions to make me want to read on - why is she pretending to be a privileged student? Who is Fox?One nit pick - I was definitely over the barefooted children by the fourth reference. Reinforcing their abysmal conditions over and over probably had the opposite effect to what you're after. I got to the last paragraph and it was 'oh no, not the children again!' I also found it a little unrealistic that Moira wouldn't realise Violet was stealing from her. Is she really that vague that she wouldn't notice half the money in her purse was gone?
I really enjoyed this. I'm not doing any critiquing, as the above commentators have picked up anything minor that may need to be addressed. I'm just saying I like it!
Apologies for late response. Packing and moving tends to devoid them of all other aspects of life.It's been a while since I've read anything from this genre, but I have to say this entry reminded me of all the reason why I love it so.I was able to picture the bits of description here and there. You gave enough so I wasn't left questioning, yet wasn't taxed with the task of trying to piece together a vision from your words. I loved the voice, particularly concerning "poor Moira".II would totally read on, and am disappointed that I can't. Loved it.