TITLE: WHEN SHE FINDS HIM
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Kathryn pushed away the wall and swatted imaginary flies. Words with wings.
Not now. Go away.
The voices mocked her: Look at them. Losers. You want to be one of them? You want to be a loser? What’s wrong with you, curls?
The eternal question. What was wrong with her? Was she a loser? Did her dad running off before he’d even met her label her one? Right now, Kathryn didn’t know what to believe.
As she rolled the skateboard back and forth under her right foot, she brushed aside her tangle of ginger curls and peered through the store window’s ice cream–topped P. Red and white striped clerks sponged off sticky counters and swept up the litter of straw sleeves and soiled napkins. She spotted several classmates at a back booth. Throngs of teens piled around shared bowls of frozen sweets. Her vision lingered long enough to spy one blond head then the other. The Watson twins.
Too bad there’s no disinfectant to wipe clean the entire crew here.
While her eyes probed the crowded creamery, she missed the curious gaze of Isaac Watson. His soft stare offset the icy scrutiny of his sister. He observed this strange girl outside, her tangle of ginger curls, her puffy red ski vest.
Kathryn shifted her attention, half seeking him, half avoiding the Watsons. A tingle rose from deep inside her. An anesthetic serpent. Sparks and pings journeyed along her bony jaw, continuing to her scalp’s carroty outline. She scratched absentmindedly at her cheeks.
You have a lot in this first page. While I find this start interesting, I also find it a little overwhelming. For example, you start with Kathryn, but move to Isaac for a little bit there. Maybe stick with one or the other to make it easier to follow. Also, I am not sure how she fits into the setting since he thinks of her as strange and uses a "this," which I took to mean she was new in town. Perhaps if you streamline--reduce the number of questions at the beginning and have him tell of her ginger curls later, that kind of thing--you could create a more dynamic opening. So far, though, I am interested in Kathryn, who she is, and why she is seeking out, yet still avoiding, Isaac.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
I think the set up is good, but the ice cream parlor scene is a little confusing. I thought she was inside the store looking out. But then I realized she was outside looking in.
ReplyDeleteI could not tell if "missing" Isaac meant that she missed him because he wasn't there, but I think it might mean she overlooked him? But then she is half-seeking him. I just did not get it.
In spite of that, I would keep reading. I want to see why she thinks she is a loser and what those twins are about.
If she starts off this far down, how will it go from there? She's very negative and jaded. But, I am more for humor than drama. So only my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThese are all interesting ideas but getting all of them so close together on the first page is a little too much and too confusing. They are beautiful words but all together take me out of the story. I would suggest picking a couple of the ideas on the page and simplifying it down to who she is, where she is, and what she's doing.
ReplyDeleteI think it might be a stronger opening if you started with "As she rolled the skateboard..." rather than her inner monologue. It illustrates how she feels without words and without so much self-pity, which is a hard way to start. We can all empathize with the girl who is outside looking in.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your insight. I like this idea. Going to play around and see what happens.
DeleteHello Entry #11,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a very interesting voice, unique and captivating. However, the sentence structure slowed the pace of my reading. There were a few instances of run-on sentences followed by sentences of the same length, this can break the flow and often causes the reader to have to reread. If you try for a more natural, long sentence, short sentence, long sentence pattern, I think it could help you bring your story across more clearly.
Good Luck!
Thanks so much. I'll see what I can do to move things around more.
DeleteI get a good sense for this intense character — this girl who feels like an outsider and who does not connect with her peers — but there is too much happening here, and I'm not able to follow much of it.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the essence of this scene? What are you really trying convey? And how you can simply and artfully convey that? You, the author, are too present in this. Hide yourself and keep refining.
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ReplyDeleteThanks. Good advice. I am refining away! :)
ReplyDelete