TITLE: DOUBLE DARE
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Tree limbs creak above my head and storm clouds cover the moon. I pull on my running shoes and get ready to take off from the bottom step outside my house.
Laces tight, I grab the heart-shaped locket around my neck and hold onto it. Inside is the picture of Mom after she won her last race. Broke the UW record. Her face is radiant. Victorious.
Before chemo turned her into a skeleton and she died. I let go of the locket and want to scream out to someone in the dark, but there’s no one there. No one to cheer me on to beat her records. No one to love me like Mom did.
A light flashes on inside the house. Please don’t let my stepmother come out here.
The porch light clicks on.
Oh God, here she comes. My heart pounds and I get the jitters.
The front door opens and the clacking of my stepmother’s high-heeled slippers echoes across the wood porch. “Raz, what’s wrong with you?” She shouts, so half the neighborhood can hear.
I take a deep breath and whirl around to face her. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Expensive perfume envelopes me like a trap and her designer robe flaps in the breeze. Even this early, her hair and makeup are perfect.
She glares at me. “Oh, yes, there’s something wrong with you, girl. What were you doing standing outside your father’s room? Leave him alone. He’s fine.”
Her voice softened, as if she cares about me, but I know better.
I like the imagery. I like the inclusion of senses--visual (designer robe flaps), hearing (tree limbs creak, the clacking of heels), smells (perfume)-- all of it puts me exactly where I need to be in the story.
ReplyDeleteGood start, but be careful to sidestep the cliches of evil step mom.The picture I get here is the new girlfriend from The Parent Trap - extravagant woman taking advantage of a lonely man?
ReplyDeleteNot sure if the moon is out because it is late at night or really early. The MC is going for a run, but are the neighbors really all going to hear?
Confused, and having a hard time liking the character because she is too busy fearing and disliking her step mom. I would like to see her loving to run first, a positive thing before she jumps into the I_hate=you-you-hate-me ick.
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery and bringing all the sense in! Let us know why the MC would be going out for a run when it's about to storm. Let us settle into liking her and feeling sympathetic before you bring the step-mom into the scene.
ReplyDeleteNice job getting us into the MC's head. I also think your backstory worked here. One suggestion - avoid caricature villains like the typical stepmom cliche. She could be evil, but make her interesting.
ReplyDeleteLovely scene setting and we understand the premise quickly, so that's all good. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThere's a disconnect though in that her step mum is coming and it's like the MC thinks she's going to get murdered...why would she have a pounding heart? I can imagine she'd straighten, or hold her breath, or stiffen inside, but a pounding heart? Perhaps we need more set up here - last time they spoke she did something really horrible- hence the pounding heart which suggests fear?
If you replace the telling us the MC hates her step mother, with showing us why the MC (and therefore the reader), hates her, the step mother won't come across as cliche as she'll be an individual with her own actions/motivations.
Good opening scene. I would caution you about mentioning cancer so early in the book. It's good backstory, but many readers are turned off by something sad like cancer, and I don't get the scene that cancer is the focus of this book. Maybe leave us wondering why her mother is gone and this cliche step mom is in her place, and explain later after you have the reader hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think there is potential here but I would definitely agree with what others have said regarding the step mother, she's just so evil, so quickly. Also I am very confused exactly where she is, first it says she's on the porch step then her step mother comes out and yells at her for being outside her father's room and not to check on him, but she was clearly going for a run, also she says its late or early and yet the step mothers yells like the neighbors will here, but both times of day neighbors won't be out. I would agree with Julie that I would love to see her go on the run, see her enjoy it, understand her and her world before the confrontation with the step mother. It's all a little too much too quickly. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think there is potential here but I would definitely agree with what others have said regarding the step mother, she's just so evil, so quickly. Also I am very confused exactly where she is, first it says she's on the porch step then her step mother comes out and yells at her for being outside her father's room and not to check on him, but she was clearly going for a run, also she says its late or early and yet the step mothers yells like the neighbors will here, but both times of day neighbors won't be out. I would agree with Julie that I would love to see her go on the run, see her enjoy it, understand her and her world before the confrontation with the step mother. It's all a little too much too quickly. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou're setting up some good tension here, but I suspect you are telling your reader more than they need to know right now. Seeing Raz hold the locket for a moment is enough to make your reader curious. Your reader can learn about her mother's record and cancer later.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with the stepmother -- she feels like a caricature. It's too obvious that we're not supposed to like her. Aim for more nuance.