TITLE: MARKED
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Lexi zipped her jacket as she followed her dad into the auto shop. Men in greasy coveralls crowded the three work bays, while orchestrating their way around vehicles in various stages of repair. Uncle Lucas rounded a sports car, gaze trained on a stained rag as he wiped his hands.
“We need to talk,” he said to Dad.
“The truck?” Dad’s voice was slightly louder than the power tools and music.
“That, too.”
Dad and his brother were close, often huddled in private conversation. Normally, Lexi didn’t pay much attention, but recently she’d overheard the word gift. Maybe they were discussing a car for her graduation. A girl could hope.
Sometimes Dad and her uncle invited Lexi’s younger brother to their discussions, but no matter what bodily harm she threatened the brat with he never revealed anything. He only puffed his chest out and said, “Man stuff.”
One way or another, Lexi would get answers.
Uncle Lucas, smelling like exhaust with BBQ undertones, stopped in front of Lexi. He wasn’t a large man, only 5’10”, two inches taller than her.
“Enjoyed your article in the school paper about the declining wolf population,” he said.
“Thanks. Was hoping you’d let me interview you for the next one in the series.”
“I’d love that.”
Since he was also a freelance wilderness guide, he’d be perfect. Uncle Lucas shared her love of all things animal. It wasn’t 'man stuff,' but it was theirs.
Hmmm. . .I am thinking the "gift" is some paranormal gift and I think "Lucas" is a hint that the uncle is really a werewolf. I could be totally off here.
ReplyDeleteThe pacing is good and the dialog is believable. I like it and would keep reading. (the sentence with "bodily harm" is a little awkward and may want to be polished.)
Okay, wolf and truck make me go straight to Twilight. Maybe give her a car. And I think there is a formatting goof because you don't need a new line for dialogus if you're describing the person first so
ReplyDeleteUncle Lucas, smelling like exhaust with BBQ undertones, stopped in front of Lexi. He wasn’t a large man, only 5’10”, two inches taller than her.
“Enjoyed your article in the school paper about the declining wolf population,” he said.
Should actually be
Uncle Lucas, smelling like exhaust with BBQ undertones, stopped in front of Lexi. He wasn’t a large man, only 5’10”, two inches taller than her. “Enjoyed your article in the school paper about the declining wolf population,” he said.
Hi! I like how you describe the setting right away, so I can envision the scene. And then you introduce tension because the uncle "needs to talk," and Lexi's hoping for a car. So we wonder right away what's going on. But I felt a little cheated because we never hear more about the talk, and we move on to a different conversation she has with her uncle. Maybe if you make the paragraph about them huddled in conversation relate more to the present conversation, rather than to past conversations, it will help fill that gap.
ReplyDeleteI got a little tripped up in the 6th paragraph, where it might help if you add a comma "threatened the brat with, he never..." And I'm not sure, but I think numbers like 5'10" are supposed to be written out.
Overall, nice job!
The beginning of this kind of dragged for me. Lexi felt lost with all the focus on her dad and uncle. I wonder if there's somewhere you could start--perhaps even later on in this same chapter--that would provide 1) a better hook and 2) a stronger connection with your MC?
ReplyDeleteAlso, after reading the comments, I agree with the Twilight analogy above! I thought the same thing when I read it! It sucks for you, but that's such a strong connection, I'd consider switching things up if you could.
Good luck!
I enjoyed this excerpt -- you have a lovely way with words. I particularly liked the specificity of the description 'smelling like exhaust with BBQ undertones'. Since the excerpt's labeled as Fantasy, I'm expecting Lexi isn't getting a car as her gift! I did find one sentence a bit lumpy: 'Sometimes Dad and her uncle invited Lexi’s younger brother to their discussions, but no matter what bodily harm she threatened the brat with he never revealed anything.' Perhaps you could trim it down or divide it in some way? I thoroughly enjoyed the piece and would read on.
ReplyDeleteNice work so far. Interesting setting.
ReplyDeleteMy one comment is about the perspective. Can you tweak the opening paragraphs to show that this is Lexi's perspective?
I've taken the liberty of doing a suggested edit to show you what I mean:
Lexi zipped her jacket as she followed her dad into the auto shop. She watched as the mechanics in their greasy coveralls crowded the work bays, vehicles in various stages of repair. Uncle Lucas rounded a sports car, his gaze trained on a stained rag in his hands.
“We need to talk,” he said to Dad.
“The truck?” Dad yelled over the power tools and music.
Lexi was used to these conversations between Dad and her uncle. Normally, she didn't pay much attention, but recently she’d overheard the word gift. Maybe they were discussing a car for her graduation. A girl could hope.
“That, too.”