TITLE: The Crescent Scar
GENRE: YA contemporary
Nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. As we pull into the driveway, snow skates across the windshield at 90 mph, while wind makes the car shudder. My entire life has been uprooted, sucked out of one world and into the next where I am like a puny atom in a universe of complete and utter turbulence.
"Are you angry with me? Is that it?" Katherine says, peering through the windshield toward the grey, storm-tossed waves. She's squeezing the life out of the wheel, knuckles white. "I don't have a better solution, so this has to work. It's the best I can do!"
"I'm not mad, Katherine. I didn't say a word." No reply. Not surprising since we've been on the road for three days straight, almost Kerouac style but without the fun parts. Tons of time to talk things over, although we didn't. I absolutely did not want to move away from everything familiar, specially not from warm California to frigid New England, home of those Puritans, but I try not to let that stuff show. I'll do anything not to set her off because unlike most mothers, the Katherine I love is no longer in her right mind.
"Haven't you done enough?" she continues. "What are you trying to tell me?"
As she stares through the sleet-pelted windshield past frantic wipers, I recognize that she isn't talking to me at all. She's ranting at the storm, at the sea.
Hmmm, it is a little hard to know just what is going on - I think because the kid (boy or girl?) doesn't call her Mom.
ReplyDeleteLove the phrase "Kerouac style without the fun parts"
The first paragraph sort of bogged me down. The "atoms" and "sucked from one world to another" made it seem like SciFi, and started to scare me off.
The use of "those Puritans" instead of "the Puritans" confused me. Was there a significance to that phrase?
My son calls me by my first name, but I see your point. And I will definitely think about the Puritans part. Thanks for the tips!
Delete1, I thought snow skates hit the windshield and at 90 mph it would have shattered.
ReplyDelete2, No idea in the world what Kerouac is. Is that an Eastern thing?
3. Calling her mom Katherine is weird. I am a grown up long ago person and I wouldn't call my mom by her name. I like my face being on my head.
4. Those puritans? Are they different from the puritans? Are there even puritans anymore?
I believe the Jack Kerouac's book On the Road is on high school reading lists nation wide, so most teens would understand. Your comment about the snow skates is fun. I meant "skates" as a verb. I can certainly relate to skating on snow - we just had a rough winter. Thanks for your thoughts.
DeleteI like the opening line which gives a clue to the POV character's personality. I like the bitterness communicated in the sentence with "puny atom" etc. Clever way to make it clear that Katherine is his/her mother. I'm intrigued by the ranting at the storm and I want to know what has set off this dramatic move across the country.
ReplyDeleteI hope that someday you'll have an opportunity to read the story in book form! I am grateful for your kindness.
DeleteOverall I really liked this....especially the lines lower down stating her mom is not in her right mind and then rants at the weather. Yes - tell me more.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening with a quick scene set and the use of puny atom, it's just the second half of that sentence didn't sound like a teen - the authorial voice came in...you could just stop at atom?
I think you need to clarify that Katherine is her mom earlier...I thought it was a friend and then had to switch perspectives and read again.
Saying 'those Puritans' sounds very judgmental and doesn't endear us to the MC. You'd need more context to swallow that statement. Perhaps save it for later...you're telling us a lot all at once.
Nice job overall though.
No one seems to like "those puritans" so that's a definite heads-up. And your other comments are certainly helpful. Thanks for the input!
DeleteLove your sassy narrator's voice. He/she is a Cali kid with a crazy mother who has uprooted and driven him/her to New England. Even though they’ve spent days together in the car, they haven’t discussed something that’s important to the narrator…and now, on top of everything else that’s upsetting, he/she has to deal with a god-awful New England snowstorm. You’ve piqued my curiosity. Why did they leave California? Why is the mother out of her mind? Loved the Kerouac line and the line about the mother being angry at the storm, at the sea. Which raises another interesting question – why is she angry at the sea? I’d like to read more.
ReplyDeleteI am pleased to hear "sassy narrator's voice" since voice is so important. And your questions are a good indicator that the story has started pulling you in. Thanks so much for your encouraging thoughts!
DeleteI like the imagery of your first paragraph, but I'm not sure it makes perfect sense:
ReplyDeleteNothing is ever what it seems on the surface. -- How is this connected to the snow skating across the windshield and the car shuddering? Also, it's cliche; you might reconsider.
As we pull into the driveway, snow skates across the windshield at 90 mph, while wind makes the car shudder. -- In the next paragraph, however, you indicate that Katherine is looking at waves...?
My entire life has been uprooted, sucked out of one world and into the next where I am like a puny atom in a universe of complete and utter turbulence. -- You might revise like so: My entire life has been sucked out of one world and into the next. I am like a puny atom in a universe of turbulence.
Overall, good intrigue, tension, setting.
Dear S. E., I am grateful for your wisdom. You are correct that juxtaposing the blizzard with the saltwater of the cove may seem strange to those who don't live near the sea in New England. Especially to people who just moved from California. But the real reason for the stormy ocean up front in the story is that it foreshadows the inciting incident. And eventually will become an aspect of magical realism. But I will reconsider every aspect that you've commented on. I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to hear your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThere is good imagery and tension in this scene, but it's confusing to the reader because it's not clear if the main character is a boy or girl and it's not clear who Katherine is. If the reader can't figure out the dynamic between the two main characters, then he can't connect with the characters and be drawn into the story.
ReplyDelete