TITLE: Riley Cooper Tween Inventor
GENRE: Middle Grade Contemporary
Rule number one in the Riley P. Cooper Scientist Handbook: inventors work alone
It sounded like a line from a magician’s codebook, but with friends like mine it applied here too. See, as an inventor, I’d made some really mind-blowing things. But, if I told my friends about my latest creation, Mel would have given me her junior cop lecture and Angus would have dragged me all the way to the bank.
Did that sound snobby? I’ve never sold my inventions, so I wasn’t rich. I was just a regular sixth grade kid, with two best friends, and all the drama that went along with them.
I couldn’t break my own rule. Which was why, when I saw the brown box by my front door, I needed an excuse to get out of our regular after school snack and homework session on Angus’ driveway. Without making them curious, of course.
“Hey guys, I’ve got something to do. I’ll meet you back out here soon,” I said.
“What are you making now, Riley?” Angus asked.
Clearly my talents weren’t in the art of deception. I could tell from the gleam in his eyes he wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Nothing, just playing around with stuff.” I focused on my front door so he wouldn’t see me smile.
“Mind if we watch the genius work?” he asked.
“It’s not really a good time. I’m working on something very delicate,” I said.
“You’re the only genius I know who makes fart guns."
The sentence "like a line from a magician's code book" doesn't really fit here. You may want to combine the second and third paragraphs: Did that sound snobby? I have never sold my inventions, but Angus would be dragging me to the bank if he knew what I just made. Mel would be lecturing me on the legality of it.
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ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence and the voice -- they definitely draw me in. I might switch the whole thing to first person, though, just to make it more immediate.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, I like him declaring that scientists work alone--especially if this is an ongoing problem and he is never actually alone. Fart gun, brilliant.
ReplyDeleteLove the premise here and you've revved up our anticipation about what quirky invention Riley is working on. S.D. has some good suggestions about combining paragraph 1 & 2. My only suggestion is that the reader is going to be really excited to know what's in the box and what Riley is making, so give us an internal thought after “Nothing, just playing around with stuff.” (maybe a clue or maybe something that makes us even more excited!) Great middle-grade voice, and I can tell that his friends are going to be interesting characters. Nice work and good luck!
ReplyDeleteA middle grade inventor...awesome! That pulls me right in. In fact, when he says his inventions are "mind-blowing" I'd love a couple examples right up front, even before we get to his friend's comment at the end of the page.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with querying the story!
I like an inventor as a protagonist -- fun!
ReplyDeleteI'm concerned, though, that Riley isn't coming across as likable. He seems stand-offish to me. Is that your intention? If not, can you make his plight more sympathetic?
In looking back at the opening, I wonder if the following will help. Not only will it pare back on your telling (all of this information you can show later), but it also makes Riley more likable, at least to me:
Rule number one in the Riley P. Cooper Scientist Handbook: inventors work alone
And I can't break my own rule. Which was why, when I saw the brown box by my front door, I needed an excuse to get out of our regular after school snack and homework session on Angus’ driveway. Without making them curious, of course.
Thank you all for your great comments! I went to bed revising in my mind :)
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