TITLE: Blacktop Oracle
GENRE: Paranormal
Dust swirled around Coop’s head like pollution, clinging to his hair, his skin, and his eyelashes. Grit lined his nose and tickled his throat, but he loved it. Except for the tedium of bodywork. He stopped the sander and ran his gloved hand across the fender. A grunt got his attention, and he turned to Mac, sitting with his cast up on a case of WD-40.
Coop placed the sander on the ground and pulled the dust mask from his face. “What?”
“Don’t go on many dates, do you?”
Mac was famous for causing whiplash with his topic changes, but Coop had learned to go with it. “Huh?”
“A car is like a woman.” Mac shifted in his chair to ease the pressure on his leg.
Coop wiped his arm across his forehead, mopping the sweat gathered there. He had no response to that. Mac’s wrinkled gaze homed in on his, and he realized the old man wanted one. “Yeah, how so?”
“A woman must be handled gently.” Mac ran his calloused hand lightly, almost lovingly, across the fender. “Caressed in a way that soothes rather than offends. A car is the same way.” Mac was full of…little bits of wisdom.
Coop looked at the sanded spot, his mind struggling to follow.
“Take that blasted glove off.” Mac’s gravelly voice landed on Coop’s last nerve, but he ripped the glove off.
“Now, run your hand across that spot you’re sanding, from right to left.”
This is a good scene. I like the dialog and description. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is: those first 250 words are only enough to set things up, so I have no idea where the paranormal comes in, but from what I can see, the paranormal is likely to be handled in a refreshingly "normal" way.
You show a lot of the character's personality traits without ever hitting us over the head with it. I like it.
You have a real talent for dialogue. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteYou do a nice job with your dialogue, if not a cliched metaphor. We have time, yet, to understand how this will be paranormal, but I wonder if there's a tiny hint you can drop in this opening to give a sense of the other-worldly (see the opening page of DAUGHTER OF SMOKE AND BONE as an example)? I also recommend paring back on the opening paragraph, as it feels wordy. As for your characters, I like that I immediately get a sense for them.
ReplyDeleteOverall, nice work.
Love the detail and character traits that seep through via the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteGood opening. Would like one clue about what's odd - some foreshadowing? Maybe I missed it. I don't read a lot of paranormal.
Strong writing :)
Love the detail and character traits that seep through via the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteGood opening. Would like one clue about what's odd - some foreshadowing? Maybe I missed it. I don't read a lot of paranormal.
Strong writing :)
Nice scene. Feel like I know these two characters and their relationship already. What's missing is the hook to keep me reading. I haven't gotten the hint of paranormal or anything to wonder about yet.
ReplyDeleteThis was a lovely, gentle opening to a story. I got a sense of Coop--his personality and nature, what he loved, a bit about what bothered him, a hint of conflict, and some possible foreshadowing.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, this part freaked me out a bit: “A woman must be handled gently.” Mac ran his calloused hand lightly, almost lovingly, across the fender. “Caressed in a way that soothes rather than offends. A car is the same way.” Mac was full of…little bits of wisdom.
I felt like Coop was suddenly having to watch his mentor (whom I assumed was older?) caress a car, umm, sexually! It felt a bit personal, like it was something Mac should be doing in his own time. A few word changes would correct that for me!
All in all, nice work. I'd definitely read more!
Hilarious dialogue! The first sentence sets a far more serious tone than the dialogue that follows. Perhaps ground us in the beginning that Coop is not alone and how he feels? The "he loved it" is kind of buried in the descriptions of the dust and pollution.
ReplyDeleteHilarious dialogue! The first sentence sets a far more serious tone than the dialogue that follows. Perhaps ground us in the beginning that Coop is not alone and how he feels? The "he loved it" is kind of buried in the descriptions of the dust and pollution.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the opening and the dialogue between Coop and Mac. Especially loved the comparison between a woman and a car, well done. I would have liked a small paranormal clue of what might be coming up, but overall great job.
ReplyDeleteReally like the interaction between the characters. Nice dialogue and subtle tension. I would refine the opening line. If you're going to use a simile or metaphor, it needs to be really strong and original as well as fitting within the story--all difficult which is way I rarely do it. Like others said, I would try to squeeze in teh paranormal elements. Sounds intriguing!
ReplyDeleteReally like the interaction between the characters. Nice dialogue and subtle tension. I would refine the opening line. If you're going to use a simile or metaphor, it needs to be really strong and original as well as fitting within the story--all difficult which is way I rarely do it. Like others said, I would try to squeeze in teh paranormal elements. Sounds intriguing!
ReplyDelete