TITLE: COWARDS AND CAPES
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
The bolt of lightning struck without warning. Glenn shielded his face as Charlie squealed and fell sideways on his bike. Charlie was unconscious as soon as he hit the pavement, shattered glass and milk strewn all around him. There was blood, too, escaping from some unseen head wound and stretching its crimson fingers inside the white liquid.
Glenn scanned their surroundings for some sort of explanation. The sky was empty and the street ended in the weeds, a single house left standing on the cold, desolate lot. The whiff of burnt flesh in the air soured Glenn's stomach with guilt.
Charlie had heard a rumor about someone seeing lights on inside the derelict house on Malum Street. Electricity was as stupid a ghost to chase as the superheroes that snuffed it out, but Charlie had begged for a look and Glenn had relented. The previous deliveryman had been shot for a sack of onions just three blocks away.
"Charlie." Glenn bent and slapped him across the cheek, once and firmly.
One of Charlie's legs was still pinned underneath a tire that was slicked with translucent goo. The fall had ruptured the eggs, too. Glenn grabbed a handful of sweater and pulled Charlie away from the bicycle.
A voice reached out. " Boy."
Glenn gasped and turned, clutching Charlie's bulky body like a shield. He reached for his shoulder holster and missed the revolver's grip entirely. Glenn got hold of it on the second grab and scanned the street for a target.
"shattered glass strewn and milk in tiny rivers around him" the idea of milk being strewn is awkward and later I couldn't figure out what the red blood was mixing with.
ReplyDeleteHmmm . . . this seems like it is going to be a futuristic story of post-apocolyptic no electricity (like that TV show a few years back) and looting and mayhem (Mad Max or The Road).
Not sure - I would keep reading, but the sentences could use some clarity and tightening up. I felt confused.
I want to read more to figure out what this is all about. It seems like a lot of information all at once. I was confused by the slap when the friend was injured and bleeding.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't feel like a beginning. I feel like I've stepped into a scene half-way through and it makes me feel off balance. I'm confused about why anyone is riding a bike with a glass of milk. I'm confused about a lot of things and that isn't a great way to start a book….
ReplyDeleteOkay the gun stopped me cold. If this was futuristic, I would expect huge differences, but I'm having a hard time with a gun on a milk run. I think maybe if the story starts a little sooner to give us more understanding of who and where they are, then this scene would be better. Blood in the milk was very creepy.
ReplyDeleteYou have some nice imagery and visuals in here -- that milk and blood, eek! -- but I'm not confident this starts in the right place. While I understand you may be aiming to "start with action," I'm not placed in this world and I'm not invested in these characters, which means that I am not emotionally involved. Consider starting at an earlier moment and using this toward the end of your chapter.
ReplyDeleteI think I would have really loved this scene if I found it elsewhere in a book but as other commenters mentioned, I don't know why I should care that these characters are in such a precarious situation. I don't know enough about them to have an emotion al investment yet. I would love to see a bit more set up instead of being thrown in at the deep end
ReplyDeleteYou're on the right track, but this scene is definitely due a little later in the book. You start with action, then step back to explain about the house, then get back to the action. So begin a little earlier - explain briefly the characters, where they are and why, and then hit this action. This will ensure we're not confused as readers and also that we care about the characters because we know a little of them. I know the advice is to start in the action, but usually it doesn't quite happen like that - it starts a little before. I always think of the Hunger Games - Katniss goes hunting, we learn about her family, her friend, her world and then it's time for her to volunteer in place of her sister....if the book had started there, we'd never understand her world or care for her as much as we do...
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
"Charlie was unconscious as soon as he hit the pavement" is telling. If Glen is the main character here, tells us what he sees and how he reacts to Charlie falling. He should immediately react to the lightening strike, not take a paragraph or two to describe the setting and share rumors about who lives there. I agree with others that the scene might flow better if you establish the setting and world before the lightening strikes.
ReplyDeleteSince most have commented on the scene as a whole, I would only add maybe a first line mod should you choose to keep this as the opening. Lightning usually does strike without warning. Is there some way of describing it that would fit the story and really draw us in? The bolt of lightning strike like a ______. I usually avoid simile or metaphor openings because they can be hard, but I think it might be strong here. Nice job on the image of the blood and milk. Very visceral.
ReplyDeleteSince most have commented on the scene as a whole, I would only add maybe a first line mod should you choose to keep this as the opening. Lightning usually does strike without warning. Is there some way of describing it that would fit the story and really draw us in? The bolt of lightning strike like a ______. I usually avoid simile or metaphor openings because they can be hard, but I think it might be strong here. Nice job on the image of the blood and milk. Very visceral.
ReplyDelete