TITLE: HIGH-TECH MEADOWS
GENRE: Middle-Grade Light Sci-Fi
BOOOOOOMM.
I shot straight up in bed. Tingles ran down my spine like jillions of electrons dancing the cha-cha.
Hail pelted our house, and the wind moaned. Being jolted awake by thunder three nights in one week was way past ridiculous. The green LEDs glowing on my alarm clock read 10:49. I’d only slept thirty minutes at best. I was so done with storms.
“Anyone home?” I called out into the darkness.
Nobody answered. Totally expected that.
Heating up my own dinner every night and telling myself when to go to bed was one thing, but dealing with lightning bolts that ripped open the sky and pummeled the roof with hail!? Earlier this week, I sent Mom an email asking if it was legal for a twelve-year-old to be home alone during a storm.
Her reply:
Emilie-
Yes. I checked.
~Lisa
P.S. You should wait the storm out in the big closet downstairs.
A coat closet. That was the only comfort available to me.
Just as my feet hit the floor, lightning crackled and flashed again. BOOOOOOMMM. Holy thunderclap! I jumped back in my bed like when I was a little kid afraid of the alligators on my floor at night. The thunder rumbled in my chest. My heart shifted into turbo-mode. The angry lightning bolt must’ve hit something in my backyard. Please. Not the treehouse.
Another flash and POP. The mighty thunder crash vibrated my cello strings. Eerie notes played by a phantom cellist lingered in the air, mixing with the storm noises.
I like this! I could hear the creepy notes from the cello as you described it.
ReplyDeleteI love this. The voice is exactly what I love in MG - smart, frank, grown up, but definitely still a kid. I want to know more about where the mom is and see more of their relationship--I would definitely read more if I was reading this at a store.
ReplyDeleteI liked the tension here. My few concerns would be that the mom answers her email with Lisa, not Mom. Also "Holy thunderclap" reminded me too much of the old Batman show where Robin said Holy whatever way too often. Perhaps kids would be fine with it, but to me it didn't ring true for kid language these days. Otherwise, a very nice opening.
ReplyDeleteI liked the tension here. My few concerns would be that the mom answers her email with Lisa, not Mom. Also "Holy thunderclap" reminded me too much of the old Batman show where Robin said Holy whatever way too often. Perhaps kids would be fine with it, but to me it didn't ring true for kid language these days. Otherwise, a very nice opening.
ReplyDeleteI like the relationship with his mom - that she is terse and calls herself Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI also like the wolf tone of the cello when the thunder claps.
Wasn't real keen on the "jillions of electrons" phrase - seemed almost designed to sound tooooo MG.
I would keep reading.
I thought is sounded pretty good except "A coat closet. That was the only comfort available to me."
ReplyDeleteI would believe, "A coat closet. Seriously?"
I don't think kids think about comfort. They go to a friend's houses to sleep on the floor--on purpose.
Great voice! She seems independent, even if not by choice, but still has kid type fears, like big thunder storms. I am intrigued at the relationship between her and her mother and I thought you introduced that in a wonderful way - with the email and exactly what was written. Also, the last paragraph's detail was excellent! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteGreat entry. It reminded me of my kid sister growing up who didn’t like thunder storms and would hide under her covers. The only suggestion I have is for the line, “A coat closet. That was the only comfort available to me.” I would like a better comeback like, “Mom must be kidding me, hide in the coat closet, not going to happen.” I would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI really like this entry, but I found it sounded a little old for MG (although maybe it's just the 1st person POV throwing me). I think my biggest critique would be that it starts with the MC waking up, which happens in too many books. I wonder if you might make it stand out more by having it start with her emailing her mom, or even start with her hiding in the coat closet - anything so she's not waking up.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Excellent, excellent voice. I wish I could keep reading it! The only thing I would maybe change is how scared she is of the storm to be more like the email part: scared but slightly snarky, very MG. MG kids might still be scared of storms but I'm not sure if they'd want to show it--even to themselves. Maybe make her fight it a little bit. Also, I totally love kcallard's suggestion about starting in the coat closet. That would take the opening from something that's been done before to something really unique.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and set up. I am pulled in and wanting to know why she is home alone. I want to know why Mom is signing her email Lisa. She did feel a bit older than 12 and reminded me of my 14 year old.
ReplyDeleteNice work! I enjoyed this and would keep reading. I'm curious about this protagonist, about this family situation, about these storms. You do a fine job of weaving in details -- like the cello, his/her bedtime, his/her relationship with mom, that s/he knows what electrons are. (I say his/her because I'm not sure if Emilie is masculine or feminine.)
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to offer by way of constructive feedback, other than this confuses me: ... like when I was a little kid afraid of the alligators on my floor at night.
Not sure what alligators on my floor at night means.
Overall, good work.
Thank you, secret agent. I asked my kids about alligators on the floor at night, and they were as puzzled as you. Must have been something that came from watching Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers as a kid. Great catch!
DeleteThank you all for reading and the great suggestions!
ReplyDelete