TITLE: THE ARDENT
GENRE: MG SCIENCE FICTION
The tongues of fire were so close they were licking Gia's skin.
“You can't do, you can't do it. . . ” Adam's hushed chant only made her more determined to hold on to the burning branch.
Gia gritted her teeth. “Shut up, stupid! Poppa will hear you. You want to get us in trouble again?”
“We'll only get in trouble if you tell him, tattletale,” Adam whispered.
The last of the flames flickered and died. “At least I'm not a wimp—I can hold a burning stick all the way until it goes out.” Gia crossed her arms across her chest and looked triumphantly at her twin brother.
Adam's face flushed, and he glared at her with the profound indignation of a seven-year-old. “At least I'm not a girl!” he shot back. “And I can hold fire; I did hold fire—”
“Now, kids, only I get to tell stories around here,” Poppa's voice came from behind.
Gia spun around as her grandfather stepped into the light. His long, willowy shadow weaved into the trees, rippling unevenly with the flickering light of the flames. He was carrying an armful of sticks he'd collected in the woods. He walked past the abashed Adam toward the bonfire and stopped abruptly a few feet away. Crouching, he tossed the wood into the fire. Then, he looked over his shoulder at the twins. The crackling brightness illuminated the side of his face where a faded scar trailed a jagged line from above his brow down to his chin.
I like the voices in this opening and the bickering between the twins feels authentic. The imagery is written well and the theme of fire has been weaved throughout the piece, grabbing my attention. I want to know more about these kids obsession with playing with fire, when that's exactly the opposite of what they should be doing at their age.
ReplyDeleteWhy, thank you for catching that! It was exactly this type of reaction I was aiming for from a reader of this passage: Why are the children obsessed with fire? The answer is laid out throughout the story.
DeleteI don't think they should be seven for middle grade. Children read up and not down low middle is 10 and my ten year old nephew thinks his seven year old sisters are absolute babies. He wants to read about twelve year old's. The seven year old's want nine and ten year old's but they read chapter books, and not MG. Simple fix.
ReplyDeleteWe were told not to include chapter titles here, which is why there's this confusion, I now realize... This is the inciting force that sets the action in place--the action that takes place several years later, aka in the present when the children are older.
DeleteI find the opening line cliche. I like the one further down. Gia gritted her teeth. I'd start there. This is good active opener. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteMight be just me, but I find in most sci-fi and fantasy readers can be very literal. I was thinking "tongues" were actual tongues. Not a big deal, but any time a reader has to stop or readjust perceptions, it takes away from your story.
ReplyDeleteI also would have liked to have had a hint of local/setting to start with. I gather toward the end that it is a camp type setting, but anything farther up that might have clued me in would have been better.
Might be just me, but I find in most sci-fi and fantasy readers can be very literal. I was thinking "tongues" were actual tongues. Not a big deal, but any time a reader has to stop or readjust perceptions, it takes away from your story.
ReplyDeleteI also would have liked to have had a hint of local/setting to start with. I gather toward the end that it is a camp type setting, but anything farther up that might have clued me in would have been better.
Nice work here. I like the reveal that the kids are playing with lit branches, and the overall creepiness. Especially with Poppa's scare.
ReplyDeleteI'm not convinced they are 7; 12 seems more appropriate.
Look for ways to tighten. For example:
Gia crossed her arms across her chest and looked triumphantly at her twin brother. -- You can probably delete "her chest".
Adam's face flushed, and he glared at her with the profound indignation of a seven-year-old. -- "Profound indignation..." sounds heavy handed; I see the author in this. In other words, it sounds like writing.
Keep refining and tightening!