TITLE: The Luxury Run
GENRE: Young Adult, Light Science Fiction
The only thing that stood between me and the rest of my life was a door handle. A pretty plain one considering the enormous opportunity that waited behind it. Even the room it led to was deceptively normal, just a typical waiting area with teal flowered wallpaper and black chairs that looked fancier than they did comfortable. But I wasn’t fooled. After what Sienne had told me, this place could hold the key to changing everything around for my family.
“Do you have an appointment?” I looked over at a small open window where a woman sat holding a clipboard. She wore a white button-down shirt embroidered with a Uessay flag.
“Yes, I- I do. Last name, Whitaker, first name, Carina. My appointment was for 4:30.” I walked over to the desk and showed her the flier. She scanned it quickly with her lips pushed together.
“We give away appointments if you’re more than fifteen minutes late.”
My eyes widened as they shot to the clock. “Then I’m just in time...” With one minute to spare.
“Fine, fill these out.” She handed me the clipboard with a stack of forms on top. I looked around the room and took a seat in the closest empty chair. Releasing a deep breath, I glanced over the first sheet before lifting the pen off the top of the clipboard and scribbling down my name, address, birthday, height, weight, and projected year of graduation.
Intrigued! We're not supposed to just cheerlead so I'm trying hard to find something to improve. When I read this the first time, I thought the door handle was between the waiting room and whatever life-altering opportunity awaits her. May want to smooth this out by her turning the handle and opening the door before you describe the waiting room. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThere seems to be need of a transition like "So I reached for the handle. . "
ReplyDeleteI get the idea that this is a futuristic story, so the teal wallpaper provides an intriguing contrast to what I was expecting - shiny metallic walls.
I would keep reading.
As the others have said, I could have used a transition from seeing the ominous door handle of such great importance then suddenly being in the room. she never actually turns the handle and opens this important door. otherwise, this was very nicely done. very intriguing and I would read more.
ReplyDeleteAs the others have said, I could have used a transition from seeing the ominous door handle of such great importance then suddenly being in the room. she never actually turns the handle and opens this important door. otherwise, this was very nicely done. very intriguing and I would read more.
ReplyDeleteI think what hooks me on this entry is the title. The irony of luxury and run. The two don't quite fit together and once I started reading, I think the writer did a good job putting me in the moment. The anxiety and confusion. I want to know what this appointment is all about. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI would like to see what will change her life. Even in my own head I don't say ,"This could change your life," and stop. I usually add if you don't drop the sheet music, of if you don't spend the meeting going buh-buh-buh. Unless she's talking to the friend with words in dialogue, it is a trick, a tease. Maybe her friend could be in the hall and actually talk, and then she goes bravely in alone.
ReplyDeleteGood job of creating mystery in the opening scene. I agree the transition could be smoothed. The opening line is intriguing so segueing a bit better would only give that first sentence more power.
ReplyDeleteScreen Name: InkSlinger
ReplyDeleteLove the first line. We've all been there - hesitating before opening a door for one reason or another. Drew me straight in. Then I got lost. Had she gone through the door or did she know what the room looked like on the other side already? And then she was in it. Clarify this.
I would take out more 'day to day' stuff - it slows the pace ie 'Do you have an appointment?' you could replace that exchange with just presenting the flier - perhaps it was burning her fingers or she'd folded it and refolded it a hundred times and it's torn in the fold marks...then we have more intrigue. Also the filling out the name/address etc...we already know this...
Save the words for perhaps dropping in what's going to change in her life - just a hook. it doesn't have to be in detail. just a taster....
Nice job!
This is intriguing. I don't have much by the way of constructive feedback, other than my confusion about what side of the door the protagonist is on. Is she hoping to go through the door, or has she already done so, and now she is in the described waiting room? I suspect it's the latter, so you might offer a beat before she turns the doorknob and we see her enter.
ReplyDeleteThis scene is well written, and I'm curious about what this interview is for, but I'm not feeling the science fiction genre. Other than the odd name for the logo on her shirt, this feels like our world. Perhaps a mention of technology that we don't have would help.
ReplyDeleteThis is very interesting, I actually was really disappointed not to get anymore. :) I found some of sentences describing her nervousness a little heavy-handed (like her hesitating/stuttering "I," her eyes widening). Maybe you could find some more creative ways to describe that.
ReplyDeleteI am instantly pulled in and want to know what will happen next. Excellent first line.
ReplyDelete