TITLE: The McNifficents
GENRE: Middle Grade
In a large pink farmhouse at 238 Emery Road, lived a most unusual nanny: Lord Tennyson, a middle-aged mini schnauzer with white whiskers and a royal pedigree. This morning our fine gentleman was herding the six McNiff children from the pink house into the old red farm truck for the first swim of summer vacation.
The task was never easy. The children clambered into the truck with towels and sand buckets, jostling and elbowing for their favorite seat and fighting over who got to hold Lord Tennyson.
"Sit with me!" Naughty Mary yelled, grabbing him out of Ezra's lap.
"Hey!" Ezra said, pulling him back.
While he understood his appeal, he did not appreciate small hands digging into his side and inevitably pulling at his fur.
"It's my turn!" Mary shrieked, elbowing Ezra in the shoulder.
"Ow!"
Mrs. McNiff, whom Lord Tennyson called Honey (because that’s what Mr. McNiff called her), looked in the rearview mirror. This was Lord Tennyson’s cue to wriggle loose, shake out his fur, and sternly look each McNiff child in the eye.
Mary gave Ezra one of her black-eyed looks, but fell silent. Honey smiled as they rumbled down the dusty country road, while Lord Tennyson's heart swelled. He loved Honey and would do anything for her affection.
No, his job was not an easy one as worthwhile work never is, but he did not doubt his child-rearing abilities, for he knew he was a rather spectacular dog.
The first paragraph is a little confusing to me. The rest of the piece seems to be from the point of view of the dog. Perhaps the story could begin with the same point of view? Something like, "My name is Lord Tennyson and I am a rather spectacular dog......" Just a thought. I'd be please to hear more of Lord Tennyson's adventures with the children.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is a little confusing to me. The rest of the piece seems to be from the point of view of the dog. Perhaps the story could begin with the same point of view? Something like, "My name is Lord Tennyson and I am a rather spectacular dog......" Just a thought. I'd be please to hear more of Lord Tennyson's adventures with the children.
ReplyDeleteI should say up front that I pretty much don't read any book with animals, but I like the dog/nanny idea (make sure you don't let it become cliche).
ReplyDeleteThe dialog does not show much about the personalities involved. You may want to consider having them talk other than "hey" and "ow", so that we learn more about them or about where they are headed on the trip.
I like the writing but really, talking animals creep me out unless it is scifi where you expect weird and then they're usually side characters and not the MC
ReplyDeleteI love this idea and was interested in the story from the first paragraph, where you paint a vivid picture of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the point of view shift from a narrator to the dog is a little jarring, and that you could introduce more personality into the dialogue.
The voice seems appropriate for MG, and my favorite line is that Lord Tennyson called her Honey because that's what Mr. McNiff called her. Cute! And your title is very clever. Nice job!
I enjoyed this; seems cute!
ReplyDeleteBe careful with perspective, especially with this: This morning our fine gentleman....
Also, I'm not sure about Naughty Mary -- the "naughty" feels leading. Her behavior seems naughty enough and your reader will pick up on this.
Nice work! I would keep reading.