TITLE: The Skateboard Knight
GENRE: MG Fantasy/Adventure
Somebody is watching me. The tiny hairs on my neck stiffen and I can almost feel eyes boring into my back. It must be this house. It looks like the set of a horror movie.
“Close your mouth, Al. It isn’t that bad. It just needs a little work.” Mom’s blue eyes sparkle beneath the baseball cap that covers most of her blonde hair. She acts like an excited kid going to an amusement park.
“You’re kidding me, Mom.” She expects us to live here? “It’s Dr. Strange’s Sanctum Sanctorum.”
“You read too many comics.” She runs up the rickety front steps of the house where she grew up—Grandfather Dinklehoffer’s.
I hoist my comic book collection, all two hundred copies, sealed, tagged, and boxed, from the passenger seat of the U-Haul and slam the door with my butt. My skateboard slides to the floor and my stomach twitches like a mouse being eyeballed by a hungry cat. I get that strange feeling again and glance over my shoulder. That’s when I see him—a decrepit garden gnome.
He peeks through the swaying grass, so overgrown it looks like the African Savannah. With chipped and faded paint on his hat, he must be as ancient as this house, which is older than dirt.
I swear his eyes follow me.
“Come on, Al Let’s get started. All it needs is a little TLC. And the price is right—free.”
“Geez, Mom, this place needs a bulldozer, not a vacuum cleaner.”
Great MG voice and opening. I want to read more! Only suggestion I have is that your Al's internal thoughts are really good. Might want to add one before he replies to Mom at the end here. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tara.
DeleteI'm glad you like A's voice. As for adding another internal thought before he replies, there is actually another one right after he replies, but it goes over the word limit to post it here. :)
I think you have a very nice start here. There is automatic tension that they are moving into a creepy old house, and then the feeling of being watched adds to it.
ReplyDeleteSince it is the grandfather's house, I am assuming some family secret that Al will discover.
I would keep reading. Nice voice.
Thank you S.D.
DeleteYou are very perceptive. Al will not only discover a family secret, he'll discover his long-lost grandfather. :)
Hello Entry #6,
ReplyDeleteI love the title and I agree with Tera, this is a great voice for MG. The only comment I have is that I noticed an uneven ratio of telling vs. showing. I think you have a great concept and flow but if you enhanced the setting by showing through the character's eyes, your script would really pop. Let me give you an example. In this sentence:
She acts like an excited kid going to an amusement park.
Your telling the reader this information, why not show them. Something like:
The bounce when she talks, sway in her steps, like a kid at an amusement park.
I feel if you add a bit more immersion, it will really pull the reader in.
Good Luck!
Thanks Jaime:
DeleteI understand your point and have modified your suggestion to incorporate in my novel.
Good advice.
I want to see more right off the bat! Though a small detail keeps drawing my attention: How could he (or maybe She. Al could very well be a girl's name) see his mom "[Run] up the rickety front steps of the house" as he/she is slamming the door of the U-Haul at the same time? Is the door, and by extension, the stairwell, directly in the view of where the U-Haul is parked? Seems like such a small detail, but it's small things like this that allow us to fully let the author be in full control and take us to the world of their imagining.
ReplyDeleteDear Unfazeable:
DeleteI've rearranged the description of the front porch to make it evident to the reader that it isn't a stairwell, but stairs that lead up to the front porch. And yes, the truck is parked in the driveway, where the front porch and door are plainly visible.
Thanks for noticing that it should be clearer to the reader.
Gnomes are creepy. Good call. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Julie.
DeleteThis gnome isn't as creepy as he is a sarcastic big mouth. :)
I like it! I agree, it has great mg voice, and the story sounds fun. Not much I would suggest changing, maybe just setting off "that's when I see him..." In it's own paragraph for emphasis?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with querying the story!
Overall, nice work.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to point out a few places that you can tighten this:
* Mom’s blue eyes sparkle beneath the baseball cap that covers most of her blonde hair. -- This seems an unnecessary detail to convey in the moment, and it pulled me out of the story. You can let us know that Al's mother has blonde hair later. Also, would Al really notice his/her mother's hair in the moment that s/he's consumed by the look of the house?
* “You’re kidding me, Mom.” She expects us to live here? “It’s Dr. Strange’s Sanctum Sanctorum.” -- You can take out the narration here. You're already showing that Al thinks it's ridiculous that his/her mother expects them to live there.
* My skateboard slides to the floor and my stomach twitches like a mouse being eyeballed by a hungry cat. -- This simile feels a mouthful, and it's not successfully conveying Al's emotion. There is a stronger choice you can make, if you even need a simile here.
Keep refining!