TITLE: Here Comes the Sun
GENRE: YA-Contemporary
Spring 2000
Everything I learned about England came from my mother:
Don’t eat the meat.
Wear bright colors.
Beefeaters don’t talk.
Where she received her education is beyond me as the woman has never left the states, but it didn’t stop her from repeating ad nauseam while I packed. And now that I’m on the plane, all I can think about is the fact that I’m dressed like a sunflower on crack and am craving a cheeseburger. Honestly, though, I’ll pretty much think about anything to distract my brain from realizing I’m on a plane with fifty of my classmates who pretty much hate me. Sunflower on crack it is.
The plane is loud. The whirring of the air. The stewardess pushing the drink cart up and down the narrow aisle. The sound of fifty teenagers who all know each other chattering on happily as we zoom across an ocean. And the sound of one hundred or so people not at all associated with Naperville Academy groaning at their discontent. And I want to tell them that I hear them and totally understand. I'm embarrassed for my class. For myself. For my generation. And I just want to curl into my seat and sleep away this entire flight. But I can't. Mainly because I'm sitting next to the chattiest girl in my class. And to her left, covering the window with her gigantic shoulders, is Jennifer, the very person who turned me into a social pariah.
I think this will be a very interesting opening with a few minor tweaks. You start off with words of wisdom from mom, so I figure this is a story about the girl and her mom. then it changes to a girl and her classmates who hate her. I think your opening would be more powerful if you actually started it with the sentence where she's on the plane with her classmates who hate her -- or-- the one where she's sitting next to the chatty girl and the one who made her a social outcast. I think these would draw the reader in more than mom's words of advice.
ReplyDeleteotherwise, i like the tone and voice very much. I would read on.
I think this will be a very interesting opening with a few minor tweaks. You start off with words of wisdom from mom, so I figure this is a story about the girl and her mom. then it changes to a girl and her classmates who hate her. I think your opening would be more powerful if you actually started it with the sentence where she's on the plane with her classmates who hate her -- or-- the one where she's sitting next to the chatty girl and the one who made her a social outcast. I think these would draw the reader in more than mom's words of advice.
ReplyDeleteotherwise, i like the tone and voice very much. I would read on.
This is a good start. The voice is relate-able and the plane scene is believable. I am not sure why she was told to not eat the meat (mad cow?) or wear bright colors, but maybe that means her mother is controlling or a worry wart.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to see why she is an outcast. The idea of being on a plane with all your classmates on a trip like this already seems like a nightmare (maybe that is why I skipped my senior trip).
Nice start.
Nice beginning, I would read on. I would have liked to *hear* what her mother said while she yelled it at the MC when she walked onto the plane.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening with her mother's 'words of wisdom'. The voice in the excerpt is great and I loved the 'sunflower on crack' description. I also liked the way you quickly folded in the fact her classmates all hate her -- and, of course, I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't dampen my enjoyment of the piece, but the 'contemporary' label threw me since the year is 2000. Maybe the 'contemporary' label is broader than I thought -- or is this a flashback? I only had a couple picky points. Even though it's 2000, I would've thought the term 'flight attendant' was already in use (but I could be wrong!). Also, perhaps trim 'at' from 'groaning (at) their discontent' ?
Very enjoyable -- I'd keep on reading.
I liked the humor at the beginning. First, her mother's advice to not eat meat and wear bright colors. Now she looks like a sunflower on crack and wants a cheeseburger! And I would read on to find out why she's such an outcast.
ReplyDeleteIn the paragraph that starts "The plane is loud," I think you could omit that sentence. You go on to show us (vs. telling us) what is loud and how she feels about it.
Interesting start. Thanks for sharing.
Nice start! I don't have much to add other than consider tightening these opening paragraphs more. Look for little places you can take a word out here and there. For example:
ReplyDeleteWhere she received her education is beyond me; the woman has never left the states. It didn’t stop her from repeating ad nauseam while I packed. And now that I’m on the plane, all I can think about is how I’m dressed like a sunflower on crack and am craving a cheeseburger. But I’ll pretty much think about anything to distract my brain from realizing I’m on a plane with fifty of my classmates who hate me. Sunflower on crack it is.
Small tweaks like this can elevate your voice.
Overall, I would certainly keep reading. I'm already curious to know how this character's circumstances will change, and what happened in the first place.