Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #10


Dean has discovered that he has bungled things far beyond his usual foot-in-mouth tendencies.

"Look, Violet, I'm an idiot," I said. "I didn't realize the mistletoe was meant for me. I thought-"

I shut up, my tongue finally obeying my brain. Lockers slammed around us, elbows and books jutting out like reef ledges in the current of students; I was getting pulled into the undertow of our miscommunication.

"You thought what, Dean?" she asked. "Maybe you should stop thinking and just let yourself feel for once!"

I stared at her, my guts twisting at the tears lurking in her sky-blue eyes, and I stumbled forward, curling a hand into her hair. I pressed my mouth against hers, and her lips were soft, and warm, and moving against mine with a sigh, and I floated upward on her taste and her smell and how she just felt-

Vi pulled away, gasping, eyes wide. I spun around.

"That'll be two days detention," Principal Wu said, pleasantly.


  1. Amazing! Your vivid description put me right in that hallway. And the kicker last line was such a great surprise. I would love to read the rest of this novel! Great job.

  2. Like the awkwardness and description. Love the last line. : )

  3. The last line is fantastic. And I definitely sympathize with Violet. Boys just never seem to catch those signals. ;)

  4. Love them getting caught-throws them right into a different scene.

  5. Nice! The description of their surroundings is especially vivid. As soon as they started to kiss, I knew they'd get busted. Loved that!

  6. Lovely! I loved her telling him to "just feel" already!

    Only nit pick is the last line of paragraph four. I think you could tighten it just a bit.

    suggestion: I pressed my mouth against hers. Her lips were soft, warm, and moving against mine with a sigh, and I floated upward on/with? her taste and smell...

    Finally, why did he spin around? There is nothing to show why he would do that. I could understand it if it came after the Principal's comment.

  7. Excellent! You have everything you need. I not only know what both of them are feeling, I can feel it, too. On top of that, you have a fantastic use of language. The sentences have rhythm and flow. ' . . and her lips were soft, and warm . . .' Great sentence, great images and descriptions. Very nicely done!

  8. Nicely done. Liked the third-to-last paragraph, the "tears lurking in her eyes." Stumbled a bit on the second paragraph. Maybe it should be part of the first one? I like the comparison of lockers to reef ledges, but I had to read it a couple of times to wrap my brain around the image.

  9. A little quick paced--good imagery though. I like the reef metaphor.

  10. Loved it. Quite vivid and rhythmic but never overly done. Loved the last line. :)

  11. I like this one. Maybe some tightening up here and there (show us the ‘pleasantly’). Also in real life, people don’t use proper names often. I think you could lose them here and not miss them.

    Good job.