TITLE: Alive
GENRE: YA sci-fi
They're sitting under the stars after the main character revealed a secret from her past. Eli is dying after being experimented on, which is why he's physically hot/radiating heat here.
I looked into Eli's eyes, and for the first time I noticed they were blue. Then they were shut and he was so close I could feel the heat coming off of his face. He kissed me and his lips were gentle. Pressed them into mine, harder, breath hot. I shut my eyes and in the blackness I saw galaxies expand and twist. Colors floated like bubbles in soda. His hand moved to the small of my back, sending electricity up my spine. With every kiss, the stars tumbled around me like snow, only they were bright and burning. My skin was on fire and I realized at that moment how much I needed Eli to be okay.
I liked the sci-fi images you introduced, but you might think about cutting all but one or two of the best ones. Because she uses so many metaphors right in a row, they kind of blurred together and lost their punch.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you might think about adding "He" to the beginning of the sentence "Pressed them into mine..." Since the last subject we had was "his lips," it almost sounds like that's supposed to be the subject of this sentence, which, obviously, doesn't work.
Good luck, and thanks for sharing!
I agree that this is a little heavy on the metaphors. The one about galaxies works for me, but following that up with something as prosaic as soda is a bit jarring. Use metaphors judiciously, and they'll be that much more effective.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you definitely capture the thrill and life-changing quality of a first kiss. I like the last line - epiphany by way of kissing. :)
"Bubbles in soda" pulls us out of the stars, though does reiterate how young she seems. The heat is interesting; would it be something that she would notice in the kiss? Is a "galactic sun" metaphor more appropriate?
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the above, but I have to add that I really liked the freshness of using the space references to describe the kiss.
ReplyDeleteI loved the epiphany at the end. Very nice!
Ditto above comments. I liked how your MC begins to notice things about Eli and through the kiss, has an epiphany
ReplyDeleteInstead of reiterating the comments above, I'll say that I too enjoy your MC and I too would like Eli to be OK :)
ReplyDeleteI respectfully disagree with the above posters. I think the similes work wonderfully, and pile up into a feeling of rushing, sweet, effervescent excitement. I especially love "Colors floated like bubbles in soda"--the synesthesia perfectly evokes the confused yet beautiful feelings of pleasure during a first kiss.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I see is the transition from "his lips were gentle" to "Pressed them into." The "pressed" sentence is excellent and has a beautiful rhythm; don't change a thing. I'd suggested adjusting the previous sentence instead so you end on the subject of the next sentence: lips. It's filtering, but this may work better: "He kissed me and I felt the gentleness of his lips."
Overall, excellent job. YA isn't my thing, but with writing this poetic, I'd definitely read on.
If I read this in a store...I would immediately buy the book.
ReplyDeleteSounds dystopian. I love this.
I TOTALLY agree with Leah.
ReplyDeleteYour metaphors are so new and exciting. This is the first 'original" scene I've read so far.
My heart stopped on the galaxies. I want to steal the line, and I can't! Grr! Grr grr grr!
ReplyDeleteYes, clean up the metaphors--just so we can hang onto those twisting galaxies for a moment!
(Sorry for the exclamation points. There. I used a period.)
Lovely writing. Love the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery here didn’t work for me. The bubbles and expanding galaxies took me out of the scene.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you used a lot of passive sentences. Reworking them would make this tighter.
I did like her realizing she needed Eli to be okay.
I thought this worked pretty well, and I liked the metaphors, although you might cut the soda one, only because all the others are space related and that isn't. It stands out as out of place.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the galaxies phrase.
ReplyDeleteThat said, be careful of using too many metaphors in one paragraph. I'd recommend exploring how his kisses feel a little more and how they make the narrator respond emotionally in addition to what's already there in regards to physical response.
The last sentence is strong, but would have even more impact reworded/tightened to be more active and less passive.