Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #22

TITLE: The Firestorm Betrayal
GENRE: Sci-fi

Rebeccah saves John's career and, momentarily forgetting about her involvement with another man, John starts to blurt out words that cross the line dividing their friendship from something more.

"I could just--"

Rebeccah spoke without thinking, "Kiss me?"

John stiffened and she pulled back to meet his gaze. He studied her with the same intensity he reserved for real-time combat displays, and she could almost feel him sifting through her mind, searching for the meaning behind her words.

Oh, hell, she thought, I'm shipping out in a matter of hours. Why not? Rebeccah leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.



She shivered as the butterflies in her stomach exploded. He parted his lips and she tasted orange. Rebeccah's mind reeled as traces of his aftershave drew her deeper into the kiss, melting the flutterings of excitement into molten desire.

John unexpectedly broke their embrace and backed away, bumping into the coffee service. The carafe tipped, spilling brown liquid everywhere, but John's gaze never wavered from hers. His knuckles whitened as he gripped the edge of the table. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I am so, so sorry."


  1. I like this.
    I'm curious about her. She is a soldier of some kind, no?
    Butterflies in the stomach and fluttering might be a bit cliche here; could you use a metaphor more befitting a military woman, like internal sirens, or flares and so on?
    Sigh. Horrible thing to do to a coffee pot. Death by first kiss.

  2. I love when she thinks, "Oh, hell. I'm shipping out in a matter of hours. Why not?" It really grabbed me and made me like her.

    Why is he apologizing when she kissed him? That's my only question.

    Great job!

  3. I like Rebeccah's 'what the hell' attitude and John's apology.

  4. I love the coffee pot thing! Great visual and really breaks the tension of the kiss. I'm drawn in by why he's apologizing (I love how you've written this). I want to know more.

    I think butterflies in the the stomach are a bit done to death. Can you come up with something better?

    I think you can ditch unexpectedly. You don't need it.

    Otherwise I really like this.

  5. I like this one. It seems simple, but gives insight into these characters. Also, it doesn't feel like there's too little detail or too much detail.

  6. I'm curious at the end if he's upset about the coffee or the kiss. Maybe both? I did like it a lot though and Rebeccah especially.

  7. Don't say "brown liquid" - that draws way too much attention to the phrase and to the liquid - just say "coffee." If you want to avoid saying "coffee" in two sentence in a row, say he bumped into the table or something else.

  8. Oh no! Not the coffee! :)

    Very nice. I like how you described things "sifting through her mind..." "molten desire". This makes your entry stand out compared to the rest.

  9. I liked it, but the exploding butterflies was quite an image. You might cut her mind reeling. What does that actually mean? And in the same parg. the flutterings are melting into molten desire, which wouldn't be bad except there can't be any fluttering if the butterflies exploded.

    I liked that we can't be sure what he's apologizing about. It forces us to read on to find out

  10. Barbara read my mind. The exploding butterflies jarred a really good excerpt.

    I enjoyed your style

  11. I like the tone and setting here and only have a few comments. Try to limit the use of proper names. If you only have two characters in a scene, you don’t need to use names often.

    Also, if their gazes are locked on each other how does she know the coffee spilled everywhere? Or that his knuckles whitened?