TITLE: Trial of the Heart
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Sliding her hands over his shoulders and into his hair, she pulled herself closer as his strong arms held her shaking body tight against him. His lips trailed kisses along her cheek, their tears flowing in a cleansing rain. It was a touch she couldn't stop, a connection she desperately needed. Without conscious thought, she turned her face to his. His soft kiss brushed the corner of her mouth, a feather-light caress.
Her senses screamed out for him. She wanted to feel him, taste him and know she was alive. Threading her fingers deeper into his hair, she sipped at his lips, taking his bottom lip between hers. She tasted salt from their mingled tears and his heat infused her body, warming her, healing her. Her lips parted and took his gently while his hand cupped her face.
The kiss wasn't sexual. It was something much more intimate. Soft. Tender. Profound. She felt the warmth of his lips on hers, his strong arms holding her close, and for the first time in her life, she felt --cherished.
I'm an idiot and didn't set this up right. In an emotional recounting, Emily's told Nick the details of the accident that killed her children.
ReplyDeleteVery emotional. I like the pause at --cherished.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of description, which is good and bad. I like all the descriptions you used, but think you could simplify it just a little.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, you mention her hands/fingers in his hair twice.
The other thing was in paragraph one, it reads as if his lips are crying the tears. I also think you can drop "without conscious thought".
But I still liked it. The last paragraph is my favorite.
I liked it, but agree that this passage is a bit description-heavy. I would take out "Her senses screamed out for him" because you go on to write about the different senses. It's a bit redundant. The last paragraph is great.
ReplyDeleteI really like this but agree with the other comments. The descriptions are all well written, but can sometimes be distracting. Sometimes simple is better. "Without a conscious thought" could be cut.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd sentence in the 2nd paragraph should read: "She wanted to feel him, to taste him, and to know she was alive." Parallel sentencs flow better that way.
Also, you use hers a lot in the 3rd paragraph. You might want to rephrase the last sentence to avoid have the two hers back to back.
And in the last paragraph I think this first sentence could be rephrase. It doesn't follow the soft flow of the rest of the piece. "The kiss was more than sexual, it was intimate. Soft. Tender" Etc.
The last paragraph is definitely my favorite. It is very description heavy but I still like it
ReplyDeleteIt feels heavy. Which is sometimes okay but in a heated moment like this, I like some lightness and flow to it. Shorter lines sometimes helps.
ReplyDeleteThe flow in the last paragraph is perfect.
I love that last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments. It's all there, just needs a bit of paring back. The emotion and tone is there.
ReplyDeleteI think 'in a cleansing rain' is kind of purple prose-ish. You could just delete the tears in the first paragraph since you mention it below.
A bit overdone. There is a lot that culd be cut and several things have been mentioned already.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think the last parg was necessary because you're telling what we should have gotten on our own from the preceding pargs. If you show what kind of kiss it is (and you did, I think) there is no need to tell us it wasn't sexual, that it was something more. We know it because of what you've shown us in the preceding pargs.
Trust your reader to get it.
I'd have to agree with a bit of paring down. Your description is strong, but a bit too heavy.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, a good excerpt.
I think you’re trying to hard to set the scene here and it feels overdone. I suggest going back and cutting every adjective. Read over it and only add back in what is necessary.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your last paragraph starts, “The kiss wasn’t sexual,” but the paragraph before reads: “Her senses screamed out for him. She wanted to feel him, taste him and know she was alive.” That sounds sexual to me. Not soft, tender, and profound.