TITLE: BETWEEN SEASONS
GENRE: commercial fiction
A woman fresh out of a mental institution channels the memory of the long-dead man living in her new house in a short story.
The shed was just off the alley that ran to the rear of the house, the yellowing, overgrown grass a cautionary signal to yield . . . to what, I didn't really know. Sucking face was what my brother called it. My sneakers squelched in the muck, the sound of my soles like suction cups gross. Linnie leaned against the thin, rusted metal, her hair bright against the dull aluminum.
Before I could chicken out, I darted forward and put my lips on hers, just like I'd seen Paul Varjak do to Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's - not that I'd admit to seeing such a girly movie. Our teeth clinked together uncomfortably, a slick click-clack of surprise.
I wondered for a moment about the germs in her spit - I could feel it on my lips, and as I pulled back, a thin string of saliva connected us.
Gorgeous! I love that this isn't the typical trouser excitement kiss. It is very real and the imagery is fantastic. I can see the scene perfectly in my head. You are a true artist. I would love to read the rest of this book!
ReplyDeleteI love this guy and the random, unromantic things he notices. That last little paragraph in particular provides some fantastic characterization. People never talk about germs in spit while describing a kiss - that's what makes it so great. ;)
ReplyDeleteLoved the description, you set the scene well. Love the akwardness and the clink of teeth. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI love the details that you include, the little bits of everyday life that make it pop as a first kiss. It isn't passionate, they aren't practiced. It is what it is. And I love the bit about the saliva and the germs. It really grounds it in what it is. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteI love the realism. This is a real first kiss, nothing fake or over the top about it. The vivid imagery also is wonderful, really bringing you into the scene.
ReplyDeleteI really love this. I could envision it perfectly while reading and it even reminded me of some of the weird thoughts that went through my head during my first kiss. Very believable and great characterization. Really liked this.
ReplyDeleteThis is so fascinating. The premise alone, that a woman is viewing a man's memory; I really want to know her internalization of all this!
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. It's raw and real and ooky, just like real life is. The thoughts about germs just make it even more real. Good work.
ReplyDeleteSo far I think this is my favorite because it is so real. Your writing is spot on in every way, and I love the images.
ReplyDeleteI love that this kiss is so real. As much as we would like all kisses to be toe curling, spine tingling, magical moments; thats simply not the case. Sometimes there is teeth clacking, thoughts of germs, and strings of saliva!
ReplyDeleteWonderful job and not at all over done!
Completely perfect! Exactly how first kisses really are back when we were young. You wrote this scene beautifully and I love it! :)
ReplyDeleteAt this point, I can only repeat what everyone else has said. Nicely done. Great images and realism. Nice sense of place, time and character. It works!
ReplyDeleteWell done, I loved the pacing of it and how descriptive it was. Plus, you can never go wrong with Breakfast at Tiffany's :)
ReplyDeleteOh this is priceless. Very compelling voice and rhythm - spot on in a boy's POV. Excellent. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWhile we love to make first kisses perfect in our memories, this is probably how it goes for the majority of us. It is the realness (i know, not a word)that makes it jump off the page. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHah! This made me laugh! That IS how most first kisses go, when we're keenly aware of someone else's slobber on the corner of our mouth because they missed...ewwww! I'm so glad I read this one!
ReplyDeleteNothing more to add. It has all been said.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
Why is the grass a signal to yield?
ReplyDelete“. . .the sound of my soles like suction cups gross.” This line is missing punctuation.
“I wondered for a moment about the germs in her spit - I could feel it on my lips,” The way you have this worded makes it sound as if he feels the germs.
Overall, different and interesting.