Wednesday, February 9, 2011

February Secret Agent #19

TITLE: Love? Please! (A Tale of the Holy Water Warriors
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

Great. Just fan-friggen-tabulous. Not even halfway through her shift and Teagan had an a**-grabber.
Another one.

Of course, this moron's lack of respect for personal boundaries was why she'd gotten this table of five. The girls had named her 'The Enforcer' for a reason.

She'd let him play for a moment...he wasn't hurting her, after all. But soon he'd pay, and she'd make certain it did hurt him.

"Can I get you boys anything else?" she asked, setting a Corona in front of each of them.

The Friday night band sang their standard classic, "Friends in Low Places," and several patrons whooped or sang along. Lively crowd tonight. At least a couple hundred cowboys, college kids, tourists, and locals. Good tips. Everyone was lookin' for love.

Blondie, the man sitting across the table from where she stood, smiled and tossed down a hundred dollar bill. "Tequila shots?"

Mr. Hands, on her left, inched his grope further up the backside of her inner thigh. If he went any higher, he'd be fondling parts of her only seen by her doctor and her vibrator. She snapped her teeth into a grin, ignoring Mr. Hands, as she pulled the Jose Gold from one holster on her costume gun-slinger's belt and six shot glasses from the cartridge loops on the other hip. Between the rowdy saloon atmosphere and the waitress costumes-- leather vest, gunfighter's belt over short-shorts, Stetson hat and boots--it was no surprise Tommie's Knockers drew the largest crowd in the Canyon.


  1. I was definitely wanting to read more after this tease. I like the protag. already. She seems tough and I get a sense that she's hiding something. Which I like. I really can't wait to see what she's going to do to that guy! I like the use of third person, but I was slightly thrown from the first sentence. I would assume a sentence like the one you start with would be more of a first person kind of thing, but then again--I like it!

    I am a fan of the Sookie Stackhouse series and this has that kind of feel, I would want to read this!

  2. What does she do to Mr.Hands?!?! I'm sucked in.

  3. Sorry, not hooked. I'd have been more hooked if the "enforcer" had immediately dealt with Mr. Hands instead of letting him continue to grope. Not my type of heroine.

  4. This is hilarious and I'm pulled right into the scene via your expert description of place, mood, noise, etc. (no smells, but hard to do with only 250 to work with). I'm very hooked on your tough as nails heroine and would buy this novel.
    So just small stuff:
    Close parenthesis on the title.
    If you can add two words that would completely make this piece it would be "for now" Ignoring mr. hands 'for now' This hooks the reader and doesn't disturb too badly the "enforcer" title she earned, buying you time when you only have 250 words, well maybe 252... I bet she's going to kick him where only his doctor will look.

  5. I wasn't hooked because ther's no hint of where this is going. The Enforcer is about to let a patron have it, which is a light, fun scene, but that obviously isn't your story. I want to know what is. Or I want at least a hint.

  6. I liked this excerpt and definitely wanted to read more - especially to see what she did to Mr. Hands.

    I thought your MC showed lots of character (love that she's given many of those around her nicknames - which implies that she's definitely been there, done that before) - and you did a solid job setting up her surroundings with plenty of great visuals.

    Not sure if you're really planning on censoring the assgrabber statement - but considering you went right for the jugular with mentioning her vibrator, I wouldn't hold back.

    I enjoyed this one. Good job.

  7. I really liked this and felt the writing was so smooth. It was effortless to read.

    My only qualm is I want to know what she is going to do to Mr. Hands pretty soon. If it went on too much longer my anticipation would just turn to impatience and loosing respect for the heroine for letting it continue.

    Good job.

  8. Drew me in with the writing, setting and character especially good. I want her to take care of Mr. Hands quickly, though. Allowing him to grope doesn't make sense to me.

  9. Seamless. Well done. I would so keep reading.

  10. I liked this a lot. I agree with another commenter that I would have liked to see her deal with Mr. Hands right away, but I'm still interested to find out what happens next. Very vivid piece that drew me in right away. Great stuff!

  11. I enjoy your voice. You've got your protag well established.

    But the situation didn't really pull me in. Perhaps a few pagest later, but at this point I'm not compelled to read further.

  12. So many great lines in this! ("Everyone was lookin' for love," your last line, etc.)

    I'd read on to find out what will happen next. She's going to make this guy pay later, and because it's paranormal, I wonder how. I'd change the line about making him pay to say, "She'd make certain it hurt" instead of "it did hurt him."

    Strong voice, and interesting character.