TITLE: Chrysanthemum
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Marcus is a vampire who kidnapped Chrys, explained the visions she's been having are of her past lives, and that he's repeatedly found her each time she was reborn over the past two thousand years. Chrys's father is a vampire hunter, and Marcus' abduction and explanation wasn't welcome although she realizes it's the truth. Two days later, he tries again, taking a softer approach.
The whispered explanation was quiet and comforting. I turned my head toward him, my cheek brushing against his. Marcus leaned back and spun my chair around to face him. I sat back as he once again placed his hands on the armrests and leaned close. I looked deep into his eyes. The memories didn't come, but I was lost nonetheless.
"It usually doesn't take long to feel the connection, Chrys. With memories like you're experiencing it'll take even less time. Give me a couple days before you doubt the depth and sincerity of my love for you."
He was so close. His breath was sweet, the smell of him fresh and inviting. A warm electric feeling crept through me and, before I realized what I was doing, I leaned forward and kissed him.
He comes over as a little bit creepy to be honest..and 'Give me a couple days before you doubt the depth and sincerity of my love for you' was a bit confusing - should 'doubt' be 'trust' maybe? But then I'm not a big fan of past life connections, rather too convenient for predatory male characters, I feel.
ReplyDeleteI kind of agree with Keren in that it's hard to get a good feel for the characters based on this small excerpt so Marcus comes over a little creepy, but I really like the last paragraph. You did a nice job of showing the feelings of a first kiss.
ReplyDeleteI think just a softening of the first paragraph, perhaps more details of his eyes would ease the intensity of his words and draw us in a little more.
ReplyDeleteI like their names!
So, Chrys is not a vampire, but keeps reincarnating and Marcus is always able to find her. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteI think if you reword Marcus's comments in the positive it will be less confusing. All in all I liked it though, and didn't really think it was creepy.
I really liked that she took the risk to lean in and kiss him.
ReplyDeleteI like "The memories didn't come, but I was lost nonetheless."
ReplyDeleteI like the push-pull of her not wanting to believe, but kissing him anyway.
I didn't get creepy from him, more determined I suppose. I agree with Kaurelius about softening up the first para a bit.
ReplyDeleteI liked the tension.
ReplyDeleteI also think the first paragraph can use a bit more.
I liked the tension.
ReplyDeleteI also think the first paragraph can use a bit more.
I think the creepy feeling, for me, is stemming from the fact that he seems to be coming on very strong. Regardless if they're past lovers, I do like to see more of a build up than, "We've done this before. You don't remember, I'm not really going to give you time to adjust, so here's a declaration."
ReplyDeleteI'd really like to see his statement shortened. Right now it feels a bit like infodump, especially right in the middle of what's supposed to be a romantic scene.
Congrats. I got tingles. I agree with the vamping up of paragraph one, but I liked this. :D
ReplyDeleteNot super-hooked by the premise, but I liked this scene.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't seem creepy to me.
Overall, this isn’t bad. You do have a lot of passive sentences that could be reworked to deliver more of a punch, though.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get any creepy vibes, but I did want more of a build-up. We're in her POV, but everything we get here is him. I wanted a bit more of what she was feeling/thinking about the situation. What made her kiss him just then, that's what I think is missing.
ReplyDelete