Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #30

TITLE: Along the Way Home
GENRE: Historical Fiction

Jake spent five months guiding Kate across the 1843 Oregon Trail and while they wait for a raft, they are playing on the banks of the Columbia River.

Kate stood flushed and breathless before him, tempting him with her nearness. As she brought a slender hand up to smooth back her wet hair, her shirt clung to her soft, full curves. It was enough to drive him senseless.

Pushing all reason aside, he moved forward and slowly tilted her chin so their eyes met. After a long moment he brushed a lock of hair from her cheek then took her hand.

He felt her shiver. "Cold?"

"No, just nervous," she said softly.

"Me too."

Cupping the back of her head with his free hand, Jake leaned down and brushed her forehead with his lips.

She pulled back and drew in a shaky breath. "I think we should get back."

"Me too."

They walked back to camp without a word spoken between them.
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17 comments:

  1. kaureliusFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:19 AM

    I'm so curious about why they are nervous, and what they are thinking as they walk back...

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  2. Charity BradfordFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    Ah, I think this is sweet. It has the innocence of the 1840's and not being overly familiar with each other. Quite daring. :)

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  3. rheaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    Very nice and sweet. Like this is both their 1st kiss.

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  4. Debra AnastasiaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Aww.Very sweet and tender.

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  5. NinaFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:36 PM

    Very sweet and fitting for the time period.

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  6. MKFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:41 PM

    This is simply adorable :)

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  7. ErinFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    Like the description and buildup. The kiss is innocent and sweet. Nice job.

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  8. Michael Di GesuFebruary 2, 2011 at 12:55 PM

    I'd have to agree.

    Nice description and build up.

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  9. Susan B-KFebruary 2, 2011 at 1:20 PM

    Very clearly written. I can visualize the scene and am left wondering what's to come. Good job!

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  10. UnknownFebruary 2, 2011 at 1:45 PM

    I agree with the others that I love how subtle the scene is here. It's visual and the writing is lovely.

    My only nitpick is the second, "Me too." But that's just my prejudice against repeat phrasing so soon after the other.

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  11. fOIS In The CityFebruary 2, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    This was indeed a beautiful and tender moment. Well done, Christi :)

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  12. angela robbinsFebruary 2, 2011 at 2:59 PM

    i thought this was nice and tender and showed great innocence.

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  13. AnonymousFebruary 2, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Thanks to all who left a comment about my entry. I love how writers come together to support other writers!

    This excerpt is from my completed historical fiction about a naive family and their gruff trail guide, and their adventures as they travel along the 1843 Oregon Trail.

    Thanks again for everyone who left a comment, you've made my day!

    Christi Corbett

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  14. MelindaFebruary 3, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Sweet moment. Love the idea of a story about the Oregon Trail.

    This is really nitpicky, but you repeat 'back' four times in the last few sentences. Might want to try to eliminate one or two if you can.

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  15. Chris P.February 3, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    I think you did a good job, but your sentences could use some tightening. I know you were limited here with the word count, but I didn’t get a feel for Jake’s emotions at all. I would expect more of an emotional punch, so to speak.

    You’re also missing a few commas.

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  16. BarbaraFebruary 3, 2011 at 5:40 PM

    I loved this, and thought the piece said so much about the characters without you having to say it at all. I think it works because of what you chose to leave out, as well as for what you chose to include. Very nice!

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  17. AnonymousFebruary 3, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    I thought it was pretty tender, however, I noticed 5 adjectives in your second sentence. Perhaps try changing around the nouns and verbs to be more descriptive. Or, maybe a simile.

    Good job

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