TITLE: WRAITH
GENRE: YA
Connor invites Jane, both seventeen, on their first date and she asks what to expect that night:
I tried not to show any emotion to his declaration. I swallowed. "Really?"
"Yeah, really," he said softly, resting his arms over the top of the door.
"So what else should I expect?" I asked trying to be brave, yet feeling weak in the knees from his closeness and his words.
His eyes narrowed in thought, but then without warning he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. My heart thundered in my chest and I felt myself respond instinctively. His lips moved gently and his mouth was warm and soft against mine. It was nice. Really, really nice. He pulled away and smiled, slow and lazy. "What was that?" I asked trying to retain some composure despite the fact my hands had begun to shake.
"You asked what to expect. I was definitely going to do that tonight."
I like the softness of this first kiss. So gentle, so sweet. I just have a few grammatical suggestions.
ReplyDeleteIn the third paragraph, you could easily cut "from his closeness and his words." We know why she's feeling weak in the knees. And you might want to tweak that phrase a little, too. "Feeling weak in the knees" is a tad cliche. (Oh, and don't forget to add a comma after "asked.")
In the fourth paragraph, you could change "felt myself respond" to just "responded." Also, "My heart thundered in my chest" came across as a bit cliche to me, and two sentences ended in "mine," which felt a little repetitive. Finally, I'd add a comma after "asked" again, and I'd make that whole last sentence its own paragraph.
Hope that helps. Connor's self-assurance is, well, assuring without being overbearing. Liked him a lot as a romantic lead.
Sigh. I just love Connor.
ReplyDeleteHe's so cocky.
And I really want to know what HIS reactions are to this.
I was really curious about what he declared before we entered the scene to make her swallow like that. :)
ReplyDeleteMy only other comment is that you may want to make "What was that?" the start of a new paragraph. It's getting lost in the larger paragraph.
Great scene!
This told me so much about the characters, and I like them, especially Connor.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Krista V's comments.
Great job!
He smiled slow and lazy, yum. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely about "What was that?" getting lost. It's a great snippet though, I'd love to read on :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Charity about "What was that?" getting lost and curiosity abotu what happened before we cut in. I like his confidence at the end too.
ReplyDeleteI went back and looked. The paragraph starts with "He pulled away slow and lazy..."
ReplyDeletei think it got bunched in the email, but definitely noted! thanks
i liked the last line, it was confident and with light humor.
ReplyDeletei also enjoyed smiled, slow and lazy.
I really like the last line.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this - especially his response in the last line. <3
ReplyDeleteI really liked this - especially his response in the last line. <3
ReplyDeleteI really like Connor and especially the last line.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Krista V.'s editing suggestions.
I like this. My only remark would be to show how Jane responded instinctively. Also (sorry, two remarks!) I’d drop the last line of dialogue to its own paragraph.
ReplyDeleteNicely done. You might show what his closeness and words do to her, besides feeling weak in the knees. The same with responded instictively. SHow us what she did. ANd maybe a 'WOw' or something rather than 'what was that.' She's not that naive. It could even be 'what was that FOR.'
ReplyDelete