TITLE: A JEWEL OF SIRRA
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance/Urban Fantasy
B14. B14. B14
I have to remember... Now where are the lockers?
As Helen stood inside the terminal of the Honolulu International Airport, her eyes quickly scanned for the location of the locker. The terminal was bustling with groups of tourists being led in different directions by their guides and the greeters handing out leis to passersby.
The array of vibrant tropical flowers caught her eyes and the intoxicating scent nearly broke her concentration. Finally, she found a man in uniform, someone who can answer her question.
"Excuse me. Where are the lockers?"
"Oh, the lockers. Walk up that way and it's on your first right." said the man in a uniform.
"Thank you," said Helen softly as she turned to that direction.
Mumbling voices and loud announcements coming from various speakers echoed through her ears. The sights and sounds bombarded her heightened senses making it difficult for her to concentrate. She struggled to regain focus, redirecting her eyes toward the lockers.
Filled with apprehension, she weaved through the mayhem with only one thing on her mind. As she reached the rows of lockers, her eyes moved rapidly. Soon, her search came to a halt at one particular number: Locker Number B14. She cautiously entered the secret code that was given to her the day before. The metal door popped open to reveal its only content, an ordinary luggage bag.
This is it? My new life is in this tiny, little bag? You gotta be kidding me.
This is well written. Just two things I noted:
ReplyDelete-One paragraph tells us how the protag is having difficulty concentrating through the airprot mayhem, and working to refocus. Yet, the following paragraph opens with her having "only one thing on her mind." It's a bit contradictory, but also a cliche line. Give us some view of her thoughts or emotions here instead of saying "filled with apprehension."
-When she is cautiously entering the code, again, I'd like to see that, rather than have it told to me here. Are her fingers pressing against cold cold steel digits? Did she accidentally turn a dial past the third number and have to stop and start again? It would build my experience alongside the protag.
Love the line it ends with. It sets my expectation that the protag has a good voice and I'd want to keep reading.
A decent passage. Some tense issues. Didn't compel me to keep reading. I think you'd be better served to have her start in front of the locker. Last line is very nice.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree, the last line is great, very intriguing. The opening grabs you too. You've got a really good voice for YA, in my opinion. I'd definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe first few lines are intriguing. It's different from the other YA posts. I'd liked to find out more about what Helen's life is all about. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThis could be tightened a lot. The fact that she says B14 three times, shows us she's trying to remember, so you don't have to say it. You could cut the 2nd parg.
ReplyDelete3rd parg perhaps - Helen stood inside the Honolulu International Airport, searching for the lockers. The terminal bustled with groups of tourists being led in different directions by their guides. Greeters handed out leis to passersby.
Cut - said the man in uniform
and - as she turned slowly in that direction.
Almost every parg could be cut at least by half.
It is an intriguing opening. You do pique my curiosity, but the writing could be brought up a notch or two.
I have to say I found the tense issues distracting. I also agree with the above comments about starting with Helen at the locker. You could ditch the conversation with uniform man, and slip in the setting details around her opening the locker. I do really like the last line though.
ReplyDeleteI agree this could be tightened. I don't think it needs to start in front of the lockers, but the interaction with the man in uniform isn't necessary to me. Trying to remember the locker number, trying to find it, trying to navigate the crowd gives the story an urgency that is cut down by that passage.
ReplyDeleteSwitch from "I" to "Helen" is disconcerting. Good hooky last line, though. You might want to get to it just a touch faster.
ReplyDeleteIf this had started with the last paragraph as the first line I would have been more intrigued. As it is now I felt the story was moving too slow.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with the tenses; very confusing and would make me say no right away.
Good effort. With some work this could be quite interesting.
Hmmm. This one did not grab me, sorry. The tense issue, plus it just doesn't sound like a YA voice with some of the vocab and description. I do like the last line, though!
ReplyDeleteTense issue. Fixed in a few minutes. Thank you all for your comments! It's extremely hard to put everything in 250 words. Lesson learned.
ReplyDeleteI took all of your wonderful advice and tweaked it a bit. I'm posting it in case you were curious:) Helen's first day in the human world...
ReplyDeleteB14. B14. B14
Find that locker. Remember the code...
Helen’s eyes quickly scanned for the location of the locker as stood inside the Honolulu International Airport. The terminal bustled with tourists being led in different directions by their guides. The greeters handed out leis to passersby. The array of vibrant tropical flowers caught her eyes and the intoxicating scent nearly broke her concentration. Finally, a man in uniform came into view, someone who can answer her question.
“Excuse me. Where are the lockers?”
“Oh, the lockers. Walk up that way and it’s on your first right.”
“Thank you.” said Helen softly as she turned.
Mumbling voices and loud announcements over the speakers echoed through the terminal. All the noises bombarded her heightened senses and made it difficult for her to focus. Filled with apprehension, she weaved through the mayhem and reached the rows of lockers.
Her eyes moved rapidly. Soon, her search came to a halt at one particular number: Locker Number B14. She cautiously entered the secret code with her trembling finger. The metal door popped open to reveal its only content, an ordinary luggage bag.
This is it? My new life is in this tiny, little bag? You gotta be kidding me.
Nothing more than what was needed; a perfect example of her sponsor’s efficiency.
So you've already fixed the tense issue. I think you could get to the locker faster, but I'm very intrigued by the last line. Plus, she's in Hawaii!
ReplyDeleteCut the airport guy's dialog. You don't need, "Oh, the lockers."
Helen's voice seems to come naturally to you, so you could switch it all to first person POV (I know. I hate it when people suggest changing the entire tense of a book, but sometimes it works). :)
Best wishes with this!
You didn't sell me with the wording of the last sentence, because she had to have known about the bag or anything that would be locker size. If you have your MC finish with...what was I thinking....I think it works better. I noticed you used Said Helen etc. (instead of Helen said) This is generally kept for Victorian, or other historicals.
ReplyDeleteThe fisrt he said was unnessary because the previous sentence identifies to the reader that he'll speak.
I like your location and MC and I bet you have a great story so I'd read on, if only to find out what on earth is in that bag.....