Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #11

GENRE: Historical YA

Luke has just told Kitt that it mattered to him that he lived through the ordeal she saved him from:

I lifted my head to meet his gaze. "But I have to breathe."

"Is that so?" All at once he tipped me back, cradling me like I was precious and fragile. The smolder in his eyes told me the sparks had lit the tinder, the burn inescapable now.

I had no time to be nervous or scared, or worry I didn't know how. When Luke touched his lips to mine, my breath flew out of my chest like spooked doves and every thought wisped away like smoke. As my lips parted under his, my insides dashed and twirled like fall leaves on fast water. He tasted sweet like frosty blueberries and sunbaked grass on a cool day in fall.

I was just getting used to the feeling when he pulled away. Not abruptly but tenderly, his lips lingering like drifting snowflakes.

His voice was gruff. "Don't forget to breathe, honey."


  1. Very sweet. I would cut down on a few of the similes because it gets redundant, though they are very pretty. I like Luke a lot!

  2. Ditto Debra. A little too much simile, but the kiss was sweet.

  3. What does sunbaked grass taste like? I don't get that line "He tasted sweet like frosty blueberries and sunbaked grass on a cool day in fall."

    Do blueberries taste different in Summer than they do in Fall? Do they taste different on a warm day? This simile doesn't work at all for me.

    And I agree with everyone else. Too many similes.

    The second paragraph was perfect.

  4. Sweet kiss. I agree with the too many similes. They are all beautiful, but pick one or two of your favorites to keep.

    I had a hard time picturing him tipping her back. What? Like in classic movies?

    Loved the last line!

  5. A lot of "like" going on here. I think the bookends of the having to breathe works well, but tighten up the actual kiss so the images aren't all over the place.
    I do love me some blueberries.

  6. The kiss worked very well, I thought, but you do have three similes in a four sentence parg. A bit much. Perhaps keep the doves and save the other two for another moment? The doves would work nicely as a lead in to the next parg where you say she was just getting used to the feeling. And the simile in that parg is a little less obvious than the others. Overall, though, I thought it worked.

  7. Agreed with everyone else. Less is more with similes.

    Regarding him tipping her back - I got the image, but have you ever actually tried that? I took a ballroom dance class where we learned to do that romantic "lean," and it requires some definite balance and know-how on the woman's part. Otherwise all of your weight ends up in his arms and you fall over. :) I think it works if Kitt is already established as being quite a bit smaller than Luke. Nitpicky, I know, but when I run across stuff like that it pulls me out a bit. :)

  8. This is GORGEOUS. I have to agree that there are a bit too many similies though. And I had trouble picturing the way he tilts her but I imagine that would be clear with the rest of the context.

  9. You use ‘like’ six times here. It got to the point my concentration shifted from the scene to wondering what your next simile would be. I don’t think you need any of them. Find other ways to show your reader what’s happening.