TITLE: For Her Own Good
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
Eva Pierce was lost. She'd planned each route, each possible turn, then she'd gotten to Amsterdam and all of her careful plans had gone out the window. Or possibly fallen into a canal along with her hat.
In the evening light the street bustled around her, flowing along the sidewalks in a steady stream. Even for the off season, it was crowded with people who knew where they were going. Eva stood, map in hand, and tried to ignore the growing panic as disinterested people surged around her.
The hotel had to be here somewhere.
Luckily she'd sent her luggage on so she wasn't carrying around any extra weight. But the hotel, and the prospect of comfortable pajamas, was nowhere in sight.
She could always ask for directions. But so far she hadn't plucked up the courage to stop someone. They all seemed so determined to get to where they were going. She didn't want to interrupt them though she knew she'd have to. It was either that or freeze on the street. Eva hated that she'd turned out to be just one more idiot tourist.
“You can')t stand here forever,” Eva said aloud. A man hunched in his winter coat glanced at her as he passed. “Excuse me?” she said hopefully. But he mumbled something in Dutch and kept walking, shoulders rolled under dark fabric.
Maybe I'm in a grumpy mood this morning. But this doesn't engage me, primarily because of this paragraph:
ReplyDeleteShe could always ask for directions. But so far she hadn't plucked up the courage to stop someone. They all seemed so determined to get to where they were going. She didn't want to interrupt them though she knew she'd have to. It was either that or freeze on the street. Eva hated that she'd turned out to be just one more idiot tourist.
At this point, I lose interest in this woman. I can certainly understand the feeling of not wanting to stop busy strangers and ask for directions, but we've just met her - and she's coming across as vapid and unappealing, managing to get herself to Amsterdam but agonizing over stopping someone to ask directions. It isn't the best introduction to the heroine.
I felt overall this was very smooth and read very fast. I particularly liked the line "Or possibly fallen into a canal with her hat." it was a nice play on the cliche of her plans going out the window.
ReplyDeleteMy concern was so much time is spent on trying to find a hotel and being indecisive on what to do. Yes, a lot of people are indecisive but I'm not sure I want to read about them. This just seemed to go on too long without anything really happening.
I absolutely love the "or possibly fallen into a canal with her hat" line.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I liked the first page. I agree that a bit too much time is spent without her really moving on, but for what is presented here, I can only imagine it would get better.
I'd read on for the next few pages, just to see what happened when she started moving.
I disagree that she's vapid and unappealing. I like that she's plucked up the courage to go alone to a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language. I lived in England for six years, and as adventurous as I was, I still got shy and worried about looking stupid and asking for help. I could totally relate to her feeling like an idiot while reading a map in the street. I used to hide around the courner when I read a map. I also felt she had left something behind and was possibly getting over a broken heart.
ReplyDeleteI like the possibilities here. I also like the exotic world of another country. I would sit down and keep reading for sure.
I agree with the first three posters. I was doing fine until I read about how hesitant she was about asking for help. Reminded me of my husband and his not liking to do that where I'll just go ask someone. I'm shy (doesn't sound like it) but I'll still ask. I don't know that I find her vapid but she isn't someone, so far, I'd want to spend any time with. I might read a bit further to see what she does but not much if she continues done this path.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. Especially like fall into the canal with her hat line.
ReplyDeletedon't think streets bustle; people bustle, but that's a small thing you can fix.
ow does she know they know where they're going? a bit more description here of their confident walks or whatever tips her off.
needs more description and something more about her reaction to what she's seeing.
Good draft effort.
While not exactly hooked, I liked this and would read on. I, too, loved the hat in the canal line. But maybe you could say the Dutch canal since I immediately thought we were in Italy. Like the others, I'd prefer her to ask for directions, perhaps having been rebuffed many times already. I'm curious what happens next.
ReplyDeleteShe was too helpless for me. All those people and she can't ask for directions? She can't walk into a store where an owner might speak English? And she sent her luggage ahead, so she's walking from the airport to her hotel, rather than getting a taxi and going exploring after she checked in. Nothing wong with that if she's an adventurous sort, but how adventurous can she be if she's all upset about being lost. An adventurous sort would find that an adventure.
ReplyDeleteMy thought is, if she can't get herself out of this situation, which really isn't anything major, how in the world is she going to manage something worse? And I imagine something worse will happen since this is suspense. I just get the feeling (and I may be totally wrong) that she's going to be a helpless female and the man will come along and save the day.
I enjoyed this sub and I would read on for such charming lines as: "Or possibly fallen into a canal along with her hat." and "But the hotel, and the prospect of comfortable pajamas, was nowhere in sight." and "Eva hated that she'd turned out to be just one more idiot tourist."
ReplyDeleteThat said, there are certain places you could tighten up your writing...but can't we all???
I could definitely get into this story! I'm a sucker for any story that is set in another country, especially with a female character. I think the adverse comments are forgetting that this is the first bit of a chapter and not the entire first chapter. Her indecisiveness makes her seem more accessible!
ReplyDeleteI think the voice here is lovely and it would entice me to read on. The indecisiviness does make me itchy, but I'd happily give her a few more pages to convince me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, having been to Amsterdam I know just how easy it is getting lost there. However, I also know that, even if the off season, a lot of people will be tourist. And my experience is most everyone will try to speak English. So that trips me up.
Up to this point I'm not exactly hooked, but I'm not not hooked either.
I enjoyed this and would definitely read on. I want to know how the MC plans on getting to her hotel. Was I hooked...yes, enough to read a few more pages. I can somewhat see the other critters points of view about the MC's hesitance. Yet, if I was in a strange place I would be hesitant too. Especially if I did not speak Dutch.
ReplyDeleteI have a pet peeve about a book opening with the protag going somewhere instead of already having arrived. Yet I think this is setting her up to meet someone on her way to the destination. (Could be wrong, of course, but that's what I'm hoping is going to happen.) I get the sense that this shy girl is going to get embroiled in some suspense and she's going to blossom.
ReplyDeleteBut, if that's the truth, then I'm not going to be surprised.
Love the hat in the canal line. Gives a good sense of character.
There's good writing here. I'm intrigued enough to want more.
The hat in the canal line is terrific! Can't be said too many times. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm also hoping she gets wherever she's going fast or something compelling happens to her in the street.
Otherwise, it's very strong writing. Best wishes with this!
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ReplyDeletelike your start because we are wisked to a foriegn place and the damsel is definitely in distress.
ReplyDeleteHer one idea to consider: If she’s not a thinker or she’s a fish out of water, ignore my suggestion: She’s in the middle of the block and if she could get up the nerve by the time she reached the stoplight at the corner or the bus stop, she could slow down and wait for the light to change and have enough time to find a kindly face and if that didn’t work she’d look at the bus people.
I’d read on. The best of luck.