Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #3

TITLE: The Abduction of Emily
GENRE: Suspense

She's been kidnapped and held, unharmed and well fed, in a locked room. It's been six days. She was asleep when he unlocked the door and tiptoed into her room. She woke to him sitting on the side of her bed, stroking her hair gently.


He cleared his throat and whispered. No one was around to hear, but a loud voice seemed very out of place. "If you wish, I'll leave. You have only to ask."

She appeared to consider it for a moment, then slowly shook her head and said, "No. Please don't go."

He could not possibly leave after that, but he had no idea what to say or do next. His hand began stroking her hair again, seemingly of its own accord. He had consciously done nothing. Her own hand caressed his face, and he pressed into her touch, reveling in it. Her smile widened, her eyes softened, and she rose up to brush his lips with her own.

12 comments:

spirecorporation said...

please tell me this story is about Stockholm Syndrome... that would be such a great premise for a romance! (or suspense)

Anyway, I only have a couple points.

1. The dialogue seems a little robotic. Which is fine if it fits with your characters. But I don't think I'd ever say "You have only to ask." I'd probably say. "If you want me to leave, I'll leave. Just let me know."

Then in the paragraph description below "He had consciously done nothing." -show don't tell. Little bit harder, but that's what separates the good from the forgettable.

Erin said...

Not sure about kissing her abductor, but the tender emotion surrounding the kiss was sweet.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

i agree with erin - if i didn't know this was her abductor i'd enjoy it more. Otherwise, i'm just kind of skeeved out. It seems kind of like a sexual assault. Not quite, because he said he'd leave, but still. That said, i don't have the whole novel to further my understanding.

also, i agree with spire. this part:

His hand began stroking her hair again, seemingly of its own accord. He had consciously done nothing

Is redundant. You stated his hand stroked her hair of its own accord. Saying he didn't consciously move it is redundant.

I really enjoyed the last line though. Very soft and works well with the stillness of the scene

Adrienne Barr said...

Hmm...it said my comment didn't post so I'll try again. (Sorry if I post twice)

You started every line in the last paragraph with "He" "Her" or "His" which makes it sound childish. Re-writing a sentence or two will fix that.

But overall, I loved this. It's unique and something I haven't read a million times. Good job!

MK said...

I'm all for unlikely romances, but I think it's hard to enjoy a kiss scene like this without knowing what led up to it (the growth of emotions and their relationship). The premise seems solid, however. :)

Also, I agree with Adrienne about adding variety to the beginnings of your sentences. It'll help with the rhythm.

Barbara said...

The opening blurb creeped me out, in a good way that made me want to read more. I found the piece itself a bit unbelievable, but that could very well be because I'm coming in in the middle of things. It just seemed unlikely that she'd be in love with her abductor in just six days of captivity, but perhaps she knew him before the abduction?

I was thrown a bit because it seemed to be his POV rather than hers. For some reason, I was expecting it to be hers.

His speech made me wonder if this was a historical. It doesnt seem to be, so you may want to work on the dialogue.

Charity Bradford said...

Um, this didn't work for me at all. Probably because we are missing information? There is no way I would kiss someone who kidnapped me.

If feels like she knows him? I hope so. Whatever it is, I just couldn't get into it.

Sorry. The writing isn't bad, I just think I need more info to be ok with it.

Elizabeth May said...

Agreed. It seemed like the words, "Unharmed and well fed," tried to soften the blow of her kissing her abductor, but I'm still rather disturbed by the idea. Also, he's watching her sleep and stroking her hair, which cements the creepiness for me.

That said, his statement sounds pretty out of place. If this is set in modern day, I just can't see any guy saying that.

Also, you have some unnecessary wording in here. "His hand began stroking her hair again." "Her own hand caressed his face." Shorten. "He stroked her hair." "She caressed his face."

kaurelius said...

I think it's a tricky premise, to have a captor that is intended to be a sympathetic character. I'd really like to know more about what is in his head as he looks at her.

S. Kyle Davis said...

Premise aside (which I think could work, given more info we can't have here), the writing felt very stilted to me. This didn't feel... well, at all. Phrases like "seemingly of its own accord" and "consiously done nothing" read cold and overformal. I don't have context here, but right now, this isn't gripping to me. Maybe its his character. Maybe he's an overformal person. However, we need a bit of a break from that for this to feel romantic, sensual, sweet, etc.

AWriterGoneMad said...

Someone here earlier mentioned Stockholm syndrome. I think it would add a great layer to the story; the longer she stays, the more she doesn't want to leave. But, on the other hand, maybe she's just "buttering him up," if you will, in an attempt to stay on his good side until she leaves/tries to leave.

Regardless, I liked it. Good job.

Chris P. said...

I don’t buy the idea of her kissing her kidnapper. However, it’s possible I’m making the wrong assumption.

The dialogue sounds too formal to me. Again, though, without having a larger body of text to judge from, it may be what you’re going for.

The writing needs tightening (Do you need the ‘very’ in the first paragraph?) and the last paragraph doesn’t flow as well as it could.