Thursday, May 28, 2015

Fake Query? Okay, Why Not!

Jodi Meadows and I have been friends for almost as long as I've been Authoress.  (And she is the one, of course, who singlehandedly unveiled my identity within mere months of having met her.  So there's that.)

Anyway, you know how, every so often, you come across an old document file that you don't remember writing?  Well, I've just come across one of those.  It's a fake query letter that I wrote for Jodi, back when she did query critiques on her blog.  (She doesn't do that anymore.  Just for the record.)

So in the interest of sharing what not to do in your query letter, please enjoy this from-the-forgotten-archives piece of literary goo.

Dear Mrs. Meadow,

Wives come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, including dead.

Would you like to get a marriage proposal like that?  LaTabitha Smoke isn't sure whether she should take the proposal seriously--or whether she should run for her life.  Run as far and as fast as she can.

And then, run some more.

Wouldn't you run, if you were LaTabitha?  You'd think her best friends would tell her to run, but it seems the opposite is in effect.  Brandie, for instance, thinks it's LaTabitha's boyfriend Fang's way of reminding her that they'll stay together "'til death do us part."  Chad, who is in the midst of a sexual identity crisis, thinks LaTabitha should kill herself and get it over with.  And Magnolia?  She's too busy fighting with LaTabitha's sister Prune over who gets to be maid of honor at the wedding.

So much conflict.  So many dissenting opinions.  Meanwhile, Fang seems to have disappeared.  LaTabitha is slightly suspicious when she discovers what looks like Fang's left hand and part of his wrist lying on the floor of her laundry room.  But it's getting harder and harder to figure out what she should do about that marriage proposal.  LaTabitha is confused...worried...conflicted.

So.  Much.  Conflict.

Are you ready to find out what happens to LaTabitha?  On Marriage and Death is complete at 19,000 words and is ready for your amazed perusal.  Nobody else has asked for it; you can be the first!!

I have been writing comedic horror since I was about six years old.  The first one was just a one-page class assignment in which we had to use our spelling words to craft a little tale, but my teacher was so astounded by my story (entitled Zombies in the Dark Park) that she hung it on the classroom door and kept it there all year.

Things would only get better from there.

In middle school, I was on the executive board of our school literary magazine, Scribbles.  During my four-year tenure, I contributed twenty-eight stories and seven poems, as well as editing other people's work and spending an inordinate amount of time on page layout, since this was before the days of word processing.

By the time I reached ninth grade, I was completing roughly three novels a month.  Many of these are edited and available, should you be interested.  I have included a title/genre list on the title page of On Marriage and Death

I work part-time at a local sub shop and spend a lot of time mowing the lawn, since I maintain a high level of concern about my carbon footprint and am committed to using gas-free, hand-propelled mowers.  (You should see my biceps.)  Incidentally, LaTabitha is very concerned about the environment, so I think you'll see that her character rings very true.  I know you will fall in love with her!

Thank you for your time.  I am best reached by phone, as I suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome and must severely limit my computer time (I write most of my novels by dictaphone).  I look forward to hearing from you very soon!

Very Sincerely Yours,

O. Fendme Knott, esq.


  1. Wish I had written that! Can't even identify the best part. . .cranking out three novels a month - what agent wouldn't bite??

  2. Haha... so many rhetorical questions!

  3. You can be the first! hahahahahah

  4. Omg—the personal bio section. My pretend inner agent wanted to stop reading, but I kept on because it was hilarious.

    I love fake queries. I've written a lot of them for books that don't exist. Mostly, they're straight queries, but for ridiculous books... just for the practice. And I usually write a query for a book before I've started drafting it to get the stakes lined out.

  5. Wow! That was epic. I loved all the side characters cause I've read back cover blurbs that read like that!

  6. Make you dream comes true, just forget about work and other problems for a while, let someone from do your writing tasks, and you'll get great opportunity to charged full your energy.

  7. Did you guys have advertisements years ago ??? Minties - chewy old fashioned lollies they were - mint flavoured milky insipid pale green but cheap for a kid on pocket money... the advertisements said:

    "It's moments like these you need minties."

    Needless to say the moments were compromising in some way.

    You are right. Writing, you can have delicious moments of utter revenge and biting retorts of the momentous kind. I wonder though...

    "It's moments like these you'll never need minties!"

    Zara Penney