Wednesday, May 20, 2015

May Secret Agent #12

GENRE: YA Sci-Fi/Romance

“Grey, wait up,” Ellie calls to me as I step onto the flagstone path at the front of the school. She rushes toward me with her arms full of books and a messy stack of bright red flyers. The wind shifts as she approaches and I adjust my stance so the gust blows the dark curtain of my hair securely onto the side of my neck. A windy day used to be my nemesis, but I’ve been concealing my scars for years and consider myself an expert at it.

“You can make it, right?” Her beaming smile falters only slightly when she trips over her own feet. Luckily, I’m able to catch both her and her teetering pile before they hit the ground.

“Of course,” I say squinting into the light of the afternoon sun as Ellie closes her eyes and lifts her chin toward the sky. “I wouldn’t miss your birthday party for anything. Turning seventeen the day after we graduate could not be more perfect.”

She’s still absorbing the rays when she answers, “In just a few weeks you’ll catch up. Besides, nothing beats having a birthday on the planet tour. Maybe you’ll have a new admirer to get you a present.” My face flashes hot but she doesn’t notice as she rushes on, “Whoever came up with the idea of letting graduating students tour the planet for three months before choosing a life path is a genius. Seriously, I would kiss him if I could.”

“I believe you’ve mentioned that before.”


  1. Hmmm. . .I am not sure if our MC is male or female.

    I like the idea of a graduation trip to see the planet and choose a life-path. It is a refreshing break from the usual: some terrible overlord assigns you to a group/job/slavery for life.

    I like the breezy dialog. I am wondering if the scar means out MC has a secret which will alter the career-choosing trip.

    I would definitely keep reading.

    1. Thanks for pointing out the name issue! That hadn't occurred to me. :) For the record Grey is a girl.

  2. You need to clarify whether the MC is a male or female, preferably with a name attached, which can be easily slipped into dialogue.

  3. I like the writing. The planet tour is cool, and I, too didn't know who was a boy or if anyone was.

  4. I think it's pretty clear the MC's name is Grey, but I'm not sure if that is a first name or a last name. For me what would bring these lines to the next level would be a little more description of the setting, just a line or two before the dialogue starts that grips me in and tells me where I am, lets me see the world. School yard doesn't do it for me in the future when there are such cool things like planet tour just a couple paragraphs down. Would like to keep reading.

  5. Since it's sci-fi, I wonder if you could start your story closer to the planet tour which sounds very different and intriguing, instead of in the school yard which is more mundane?

  6. This is intriguing! Nice work. I would certainly keep reading.

    I don't really have anything to offer other than you might offer a hint if the protagonist is male or female, though it's possible it comes up in the next few paragraphs.