TITLE: Reta Morse and the Sinister Shadow
GENRE: Young Adult
Reta Morse sprang out of bed early on the day that changed her life forever. She swung her feet onto the floor and panted, trying to recall what had caused her to wake up so suddenly. After a moment of digging through the back of her mind, she remembered.
Stupid nightmare, she thought. I’m almost in high school and it still hasn’t gone away.
Reta shut off her alarm, which wouldn’t beep for another twenty minutes. Normally she would have crawled back into bed and slept during that time, but she didn’t want to face the weird dream again. She’d had it enough during her life.
She swatted the images away as she pulled on her jeans and a green shirt. However, they started to creep back into her mind as she combed her long brown hair.
No sun shined in the dark purple sky overhead. Reta felt small, weak. A strong pair of arms hugged her tightly. Several gray and blue buildings bounced past- whoever carried her ran just about as fast as they could. Reta tried to look up to see a face but saw only the gray fabric of a T-shirt.
Reta gave up fighting the memory as she sat down at the kitchen table. Her mother, Beverly Morse, sat behind her usual before-work makeup mirror.. Her heap of pinned-up blond hair stuck up over it. Reta sunk lower into her chair and stared down at the patterns in the polished wood.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteWonderful job well done!
I know that usually agents don't like it when the story starts out with the MC waking up, but I thought this worked.
Good luck!
The title is intriguing, pleasantly evoking my old Nancy Drews. You write well. However you squander a lot of space telling us things that don't seem to have any relevance. She got up. Turned off her alarm. Got dressed. Combed her hair. Sat at the table. After that, she'll probably eat. Put on her coat. Go to school.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to read a few pages ahead, when something starts to happen.
I recently read in an agent's blog that she hates these kinds of starts. The ones alluded to by Aspiring Writing.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I did find the story intriguing and would read more, ESPECIALLY with a title like that.
Is it really just YA, or is there a subgenre you forgot to mention?
Not so much.
ReplyDeleteIt gets confusing and I bogged down as I read it. There's some great imagery there, but I agree with other critters in saying that starting with a waking up scene isn't the best way to start. It's kind of like waking up for real...you're groggy, confused and not sure of what's going on.
The content hooks me, but the opening seems a bit wishy-washy. She wakes up and swings herself out of bed, but then stops to think about what woke her--this made me think it was something good, that today was a special day. IMO, if a nightmare is what woke her--a nightmare she's had over and over to boot--then she wouldn't have to stop and think about what woke her. We never have to stop and think about nightmares--mostly it's just relief that is was only a dream, right?
ReplyDeleteI think you fix that up a bit and you'll have a really strong opener. Hope this helped, and best of luck!
I enjoyed a lot of your imagery - "digging through the back of her mind" and swatting away the images, but they creep back in. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI did cringe a bit at starting with a dream, 'cause, like Sarah mentioned, this is a bit of a cliche beginning.
I found the last paragraph confusing. Reta sits down at the kitchen table, but then her mother is doing her makeup - at the kitchen table? "Her usual before-work makeup mirror," seems to imply she has more than one makeup mirror.
I think I would be compelled to read further if we were given more of a hint about what's to come. The dream is a little bland.
I'm not quite sure on this one. I, too, expected something good to happen, because who would bounce out of bed and then try to remember why? A nightmare would be clinging to the person woken by it -- it would be a confusing moment of disorientation (at least it would be for me!).
ReplyDeleteAlso, why mention her mother's full name? It didn't seem a natural flow to me. And the arms around her threw me a bit, too (until I realized it was part of the nightmare).
As it is, I was a bit confused as to what was going on, but at the same time wondering why the reader was being bothered with the mundane things like turning off the alarm and combing her hair.
The idea, though, is intriguing. I would give it another page, but I'd definitely want something more "meaty" to happen quickly.
Hmm...with some edits I'd be more interested.
ReplyDeleteSentence structure not varied enough for my taste.
Had a chuckle at this bit: She swatted the images away as she pulled on her jeans and a green shirt. However, they started to creep back into her mind..
If you read it just so it sounds like her clothes crept back into her mind.
Overall, interesting elements, but not quite put together enough for me. I'd like to feel more inside Reta's experience.
I think you've got a good concept here, but something about the way it's presented hasn't hooked me. Getting up, turning off an alarm, remembering the dream...not exactly conflict. Though the dream itself is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI think this could be an interesting story, but I agree with the other comments that it isn't quite there yet.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make sense that she has to think for a moment to remember the nightmare; starting with a wake-up scene is a bit cliche; and it wasn't clear when you left the present moment to flashback to the nightmare.
Is there another place you could start the story, later in the day when something more interesting is happening, and have something remind her of the nightmare then?
Also, "long brown hair" is a POV slip. She would not be thinking about her hair color in this moment. The description of her mother's hair also feels forced to me.
The memory or dream itself is a good enough hook that I'd read more. It is cliche to wake up at the start of a story. But it works here because what she dreamed is so intriguing. Maybe you could find a different way to bring the memories back.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments so far. I wasn't very comfortable with this opening and needed some feedback. I think I might move the dream to later in the story to present it diffently and start the opening later in the day. Hope to keep getting your helpful comments!
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like what the nightmare consists of.
I've thought hard, and I think what bothers me about this opening is that is seems bloodless. If I had the same nightmare since I was small, it would upset me MORE than a random nightmare. Reta springs out of bed and treats it like an annoyance.
Perhaps the story should open later in the day, when her fear wouldn't be fresh and it would be reasonable for her to "swat away the images".
It's so hard to figure out where to start, but I think you'll have a good story once you do.
Hey<:
ReplyDeleteThis works for me, but I was unsure about the age here. To be honest, she sounds younger than somebody 'almost in high school'
Another thing is it's generally a bad idea to start off with a character in bed, and or waking up from a dream.
Another thing that caught my attention is there was no reason to give her mom's name.
I love your writing and the Tittle and names are great.
ReplyDeleteI would change the opening and start with action or dialogue. Maybe she tells her mother about the dream she's had. Maybe she dosen't feel like breakfast because her stomach is churning because of the nightmare.
I was lost when she swung her feet off the bed and panted. That evoked very dog-like images to me and distracted me--I re-read that several times, and in the end, I just got so hung up on that--and the fact that nothing really happened after that--that the story petered out for me. I'm sorry!
ReplyDeleteAnother one that I'm almost too familiar with to comment on...I am aware that you have an excellent, action-packed story written and I think this beginning doesn't quite do it justice. I'm not wild about dream openings, especially ones where the dreamer is in bed. I'd almost like something quirky like she eats blue jam and thinks of her dream, or sees something, or some conflict begins. Perhaps at the later point where the thing that tips off all of her further action happens (don't want to give too much away of course!). That's where the story really begins, I think.
ReplyDeleteSuch an action-packed story to come! I would focus on your word choice in the first few paragraphs to set the tone for the rest of the novel. A nice morning after a nightmare kind of feeling to match what's coming.
ReplyDeleteReta's a star!
Nice setting of the stage. Everyone has had a nightmare or two in their life and can sympathize if someone has the same one, recurring time after time. You offer a great visual of the MC in a few short paragraphs. A few sentences did make me trip up however. And I didn’t understand why the mother is putting her make-up on at the kitchen table…shouldn’t there have been breakfast there instead? Good job.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause well, nothing hooks. She had a nightmare that she always has, that I don’t know a thing about, and then she gets up… Not much for me to hold onto, sorry.
Not sure.
ReplyDeleteFirst Reta sprang out of bed, then next line she swung her feet onto the floor. If she sprang out of bed, her feet should already be on the floor.
Another nit pick: She swatted the images away? I'm picturing swatting flies here. It just threw me.
And does she think her mother's full name when she sees her? That threw me too.
The writing style is fine, I just want a little more story.
Good luck.
I like the use of third person. I like the voice, it has a casual sort of beat to it that is admirable.
ReplyDeleteNot crazy about starting a book waking up. And some of this can be tightened.
Example: "Stupid nightmare... almost in high school and it still hasn't gone away." And then literally, in the next para, you say the exact same thing -- "she didn't want to face the weird dream, she'd had it enough in her life."
Then, I'm somewhat confused -- is the dream the "pair of arms hugging her?" Because if it is, then we already know she's given up trying to fight the memory (as she sits down to breakfast) because she's just recounted the dream in the previous para.
Not quite hooked. The first line is narrative omniscent and not in anyone's POV, which is disruptive to the reader. Also, there's some inconsistencies I found:
ReplyDeleteWhy is there a make-up mirror in the kitchen? And why does Reta call her mother by her first name? Maybe tighten up the language and realism a bit, and I'd likely read on.
I wouldn't read further. But you write well.
ReplyDeleteI'm always suspicious when I read things like "on the day that changed her life forever."
If this is from the MC's POV, how would she know that unless this is from a future time?
I was criticized myself for my MC self-describing herself. So I'm passing on this to you. When you comb your hair, do you think of the color? Would you think of your mom by her name or her title (Mom)?
The dream is an interesting element, but not quite enough to hook me. Perhaps you should start the story further along where the action is and just have her remember the dream.
ReplyDeleteGood idea. I'm going to hack out this scene altogether, start the story later when the action is happening, (which is two pages from now) and have her remember the dream later.
ReplyDeleteWaking up is not my fav way to start a story. Maybe later in the big day.
ReplyDeleteno, sorry
I'm sorry, this didn't hook me. It felt a bit like too much telling and not enough showing, but it's an interesting concet, and you do write well.
ReplyDeleteOh no, we start with a dream! Too many stories start with a) waking up b) having breakfast c) dreaming d) moving house. So this does put me off. There are also some confusions here - your paragraph 'No sun . . . T-shirt' appears at first-read to be happening in real time (er, and why is sky purple?). For me, this all feels a bit muddly. Sorry, but it's not leaping out to me yet.
ReplyDeleteStarting with a nightmare is not a problem with me. Nightmares provoke or can be caused by- actions in our lives. Therefore we see a lot of nightmares in books for that very reason. It is the natural course of human exsistance. For someone to say it's cliche is not overly smart.
ReplyDeleteHowever if the dream is supposed to be the part where someone is carrying her. She has already given up fighting it by the time she sat down. That part is confusing to me. And a make-up mirror in the kitchen?
Someone else mentioned the bed thing.
You may just try picturing things in your head as your reading them, slowly. It seems maybe your words are out of order. Also be aware of the image your words bring or make you feel. And you really like the use of colors. In this small section of your MSS I see green, brown, purple, gray, blue, gray again, blond.
I think this may be a case of telling not showing.
Although I didn't feel a connection with your MC, I think your story has great potential. The dream definitely intrigues me. Try putting yourself in the character's shoes instead of writing it like you are watching a movie. I know you can make this sing.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. Nothing happens. I didn't connect with the MC yet and she seems more MG than YA. Lots of sequencing...got up, turned off the alarm, etc. Interesting title, so I might read a little more to see if anything happens.
ReplyDelete