TITLE: Arizona Spitfire
GENRE: MG/Tween
Death by cursed gold. Paul shivered in the desert heat and turned the page. Did he believe in curses? Of course not. But he did believe in the Lost Dutchman Mine and that barely fifty miles away golden treasure waited for him:
"...near Superstition Mountain in Apache Junction, Arizona there is a tornado-shaped pit of pure gold--worth billions. Those who claimed to have found this 'mother lode' are dead--buried alive, beheaded, dismembered, and the most famous prospector, the Lost Dutchman, vanished without even a body part to identify in 1883..."
Under the shade of a jacaranda tree he turned his book sideways, intent on a map until his older sister interrupted his research.
"Paulie! Abby loves Rabies horses--"
"Arabians," he corrected automatically. "They are Arabians."
"A-Rabies. Yeah. That's what Abby said." She yanked Paul to his feet and pointed at the grey mare drinking from a metal tub. "Abby will ride Snow White--today. Aunt Penny says."
Paul squinted against the intense afternoon sun. The aluminum post and rail fence appeared to warp through the shimmering heat waves. "Listen to me," he said, turning Abby's face toward his. "She also warned us to stay away from Spitfire--over there. He kicked Uncle Mike today." Paul made sure he still had her full attention. "Do you understand?"
The first two paragraphs definitely hooked me.
ReplyDeleteBut then it seemed to steer in a different direction so quickly. The fact that Abby referred to herself in the third person, confused me. I didn't realize she was Abby.
I wasn't sure why Paul was so quick to warn her to stay away from Spitfire. Maybe Abby should comment on Spitfire or look at the horse to give Paul reason.
I'd definetly keep reading to get back to the cursed gold.
I was hooked - then unhooked. The set up was good, then the point of view seemed to shift, but it didn't - that really was Abby still talking! So if the POV were to remain consistent, that would make this a whole lot easier on the reader.
ReplyDeleteIt was good, and I'd read on to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteGood job! Hooked ;)
I agree with the others--the first two paras hooked, and then the story shifted sideways. I think yoyu need a bit of a transition here so Abby showing up and the story going in a differet direction doesn't jar as much. Still, I'd read on to find out more about the mine and if the legend is true.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mind the switchover to Abby (highlighted how cool the story was and how ordinary his life is), but had no idea Abby was talking in third person until one of the commenters mentioned it. I'm sure that's something an annoying little sister would do, but it's hard to read through at the beginning of a book.
ReplyDeleteHooked...some clarity need that Abby is a three or four year old from the moment we see her. That would explain the third person self reference...though as she speaks on it's clear she's of toddler age.
ReplyDeleteHas a 'Holes' and 'Goonies' kind of vibe to it.
I love the legend of the Lost Dutchman, and was happy to see you writing about it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get that Abby was a little tike since you said it was Paul's older sister who interrupted him. But the third person would make sense to me if there was a mental disability involved.
I would mention Paul's name again just before Abby calls him Paulie. ("Under the sade of a jacaranda tree Paul turned...") I had to jump back to the beginning to remember the MC's name is Paul. But maybe that is just me and my short-term memory.
I liked it. I would definitely read on.
I'm hooked even if it gets confusing over the POV. I agree with some of the other posters that it has a very "Goonies" feel to it. I'd read more, but just watch the POV.
ReplyDeleteOh...I LOVE the title.
ReplyDeleteGood writing--an interesting premise that hooks me. The article in the second paragraph seemed to slow thins down for me a bit--a little too "telly" for me. Liked the Arabian mispronunciation.
ReplyDeleteNice. I love how gentle he is with his sister<:
ReplyDeleteHooked. I liked the immediate intrigue. Then I was touched by what I interpreted as his gentle handling of his mentally disabled big sister. If I got that wrong sorry, but that's why I like him so much.
ReplyDeleteYes, I like this protagonist's compassion and patience too. But yes, it did confuse me that Abby was speaking in third person. It took the third time reading it, and reading the comments about it, to figure out what was going on. But, you're obviously a good writer, so with a little rewriting you should be able to make this clearer. And it seems like an interesting plot.
ReplyDeleteI lost my way a bit with this. The treasure is exciting potentially, but then we divert away to the child and the horse. I'm left not knowing where the focus is, or what I'm supposed to be thinking about. Paul is, I suspect, going to be interesting - so maybe there's a clearer and more arresting way of opening?
ReplyDeleteI'd agree with the others. In the fact that it needs a little more clarity, and that I'm hooked. Id read on.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good idea here, but I think you need to tighten up the prose. And I agree that after the first two paragraphs, the scene changes abruptly.
ReplyDeleteI’m on the fence…
ReplyDeleteBecause yes I love the set up and yes it looks interesting, but I had to read the first few paragraphs a few times to get it. I think a little reworking would fix the confusion caused by the fifth sentence that leads into the quote.
Unlike some of the others, I thought Paul was a normal kid thinking about normal kid things, when his mentally challenged little sister brought him back to the real world. If this isn't the direction you were heading, then maybe you should heed their advice. And I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteOh and if Abby is a small child then she couldn't yank Paul to his feet, she would tug on him, until he got to his feet.
ReplyDeleteI love the beginning, especially the opening line, but mostly get confused once Abby enters the scene. She's a young kid, I get that, but her comments are all over the map and don't seem to make much sense in the context of the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and the most famous prospector, the Lost Dutchman makes me think of the ship the Flying Dutchman, distracting me from the setting of a mine. I'd really recommend considering changing it.
I'd read on. Hunt for the gold is a hook. The MC is intriguing. He is kind to the young girl and I would like to know more about him.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe story of the Lost Dutchman Mine is a great subject.
But I got confused pretty quickly.
I wanted more atmosphere to get me ready for a hazardous expedition.
I think I want to get to know Paul better before I'm introduced to Abby. And then, I want to take a few sentences to figure out that she's mentally challenged.
I think you'll have to lure your readers in with the gold hunt, and then throw in the sister as one of many responsibilities that keep Paul from taking off for the mountains.
Lost gold, curses, horses. You've got all the ingredients for a great book.
Second paragraph threw me. Is Abby a small child?
ReplyDeleteno for me
I liked the first half, but had to read the second half a few times. I'd read on though.
ReplyDeleteI like both parts of your beginning... just not so close together. :) You write very well. Cool title!
ReplyDeleteIf Abby's older, why does she speak illegibly? Is she mentally challenged?
ReplyDeleteThis starts with a lost mine, then leaps into horses. A bit too abrupt for my tastes.
I agree with other posters that Abby needs to be shown more clearly. I figured she had some sort of cognitive disability, because she was older than Paul and yet spoke like a very young child, but obviously that wasn't how many of your readers here saw her. And I, too, thought at first that "Abby" was a third party.
ReplyDeleteThat said, your use of the Lost Dutchman Mine is intriguing, and I'll bet you give us a good, hooky reason for Paul needing the money somewhere in the next few pages--I'd read on, to find out. (If he's just greedy, then I'd probably stop, though!)