GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Nick hustled around his room, kicking clothes under his bed and flinging his bedspread across the top to hide all the junk underneath. A glimpse of his desk sent him into a panic. He snatched the garbage pail and with one fluid movement, swept a dozen soda cans into the trash. He was sweating, racing against the time it would take his mom to finish the dinner dishes and make her way up the stairs to his room before the annual telling of the family’s favorite legend. He’d forgotten it was his turn to be the storyteller.
A knock at the door startled him as he cleared game CD’s, trash, and crud off the floor. “Hold on a sec,” he yelled, opening the bureau drawer and hurling the items inside.
The door creaked. Nick dove for his bed as his mother and twin sister entered.
“Are you ready?” his mom asked, glancing suspiciously around the room.
Nick kicked off his shoes. “Mom,” he whined. “Why do we have to listen to the story again, we’ve heard it every year since I can remember.”
She strode to the bed with Ally close behind. “Because it’s what we’ve always done on the eve of your birthday. Besides, you guys have always enjoyed this story about ruling twins and the dark evil Lord,” she finished dramatically.
Ally hopped on the bed and leaned against the wall. “I still love it. I might be the Earth twin.”
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteLoved it! Great dialog, and it leaves us with a little glimpse of what might happen later in the story!
I'm hooked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteLove your writing and would read on to see where it was going.
ReplyDelete"Earth Twin" what a novel concept.
ReplyDeleteI liked your voice and the style of writing. I would read more of this story. Between the title and the last line the reader gets a glimpse of things to come.
Great job!
I would read more, too. The only bit that didn't work for me was the mom saying, "Besides, you guys have always enjoyed this story about ruling twins and the dark evil Lord,” because it sounded a little like authorial intrusion. The kids know what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. I'd read more. There are some grammar/ structure nits I'd have if I were looking at this as a beta, but you've set a nice scene for the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteI already have a sense for Nick and I'm interested to find out more about his sister and why they are sharing legends.
The opening was clear, vivid, had action.
ReplyDeleteI can figure out the hook: some sort of legend about twins.
I agree with Sheila that toward the end of the excerpt there's some awkwardness as you visibly try to cram in information. You already mention the "annual telling of the family's favorite legend." You could just have Nick say "Why do we have to listen to the story again?" and leave off the second half of the sentence. Then just have the mother say, "Because tomorrow is your birthday."
At this point, you've hooked me, so relax and keep reeling me in with confidence.
I like that you got into the action right away. I would consider tweaking the racing against the time it would take his mom to finish the dinner dishes and make her way up the stairs and rather show him pausing to listen for her footsteps coming, but other than that, pretty good.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that threw me a touch was in the opening I mistook that he was a bit excited over the telling (probably because you described it as 'the family's favorite legend') but then he's complaining about it when Mom shows up.
I'd also tweak Nick's dialogue a touch so he doesn't repeat the info about the 'annual telling' you give in the opening. No point in rehashing it twice. Just leave off the second part of the sentence. :-)
Hooked :)
ReplyDeleteGreat dialog and action.
Excellent language/word use.
This is nicely written and gets into Nick's head well from the beginning. I definitely want to read more -- I want to hear the story! :) Good job.
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptions. I like the use of "Crud". I'm not sure I like how his mother talks about the "evil dark lord". It sounds a bit contrived.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I'd like to read more.
I like the way you jump right into the scene. I'd read on. But I agree with the others that the mother's dialogue doesn't sound quite natural.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read on. Fun scene, well written. Then he tries to act cool, like he's not excited.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm the oddball here, but I have some nitpicking concerns that, for me, weaken this too much to hook me. Nitpick#1: he's rushing to clean his room before Mom comes, so why does the knock on the door startle him? #2 If it's his turn to be the storyteller, why does he say "listen to"? And #3:where's the conflict? Perfect place to introduce it might be through Mom at the end here. Tell us why they've always told the story then, instead of "and you enjoyed it." A little editing and I'll be hooked too
ReplyDeleteYour voice is kind of nice. You might vary your sentence structure a little more, especially in that longer first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteLot's of discussion about what he's doing-running around the room cleaning up-but not enough about why he's so frantic.
I'm sorry, but nothing about cleaning hooks me. LOL Since the "story" is the point of all this, you might focus on his feelings about it. That could give us a reason to care about both him and the story.
Yes. This sounds like the sort of things I read and love. Nice job. Great humor<:
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting. Maybe tighten the cleaning up of the room a little to speed up the story.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if I am hooked--I wish I could read a query letter and get a sense of what the plot would be! I found it interesting, but did feel there was a bit of authorial intrusion in spots.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I do agree with the comments about the info dump and some of the nits, but I think it's an interesting story and I'm thinking it might go in a Princess Bride type direction where the story takes over the story but the family is tied in somehow.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost hooked. I was too caught up on "why did he have to have his room clean?"
ReplyDeletebut the twins reading a book every year before their birthday about twins is very interesting...you've got to wonder what's going to happen this year when they read it? I'd keep reading.
I like it. I want to see what this legendar story is all about, so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that bothered me was all the "telling" at the beginning. I think that could be tightened up a bit.
I'd keep reading.
Love the title and I’m hooked at the end. Nice visuals and great way to set up the messy MC bedroom. So many kids can relate. I can feel a great adventure beginning. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause it doesn’t feel unique. The kids are going to listen to a story, that’s probably prophetic and end up in an adventure somehow. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s how it sounds. Nothing here hooks me either by making me care about the kids, or by offering something unique, or having a great voice… It’s good storytelling, but it doesn’t hook me.
I do like the writing, but I've got a couple nits that have already been mentioned. The mother sounds a little forced, and why does Nick say something about listening when earlier he's supposed to be the storyteller.
ReplyDeleteI'd be very interested to know where this one is going, though, so I guess that means I'm hooked!
Thank goodness the twins had different sounding and spelled names! So often parents try to find names that start with the same letter or sound alike. Yuck! It also makes it terribly difficult to remember who is who.
ReplyDeleteOf course, with fraternal twins, that's a different situation...
CD's should be CDs for the plural.
If his bed had so much junk on it, wouldn't it be lumpy and uncomfortable to sit on? Just wondering.
The storytelling seemed like an opportunity to give an info dump and backstory. Not sure it works for me.
The kid does sound like a youngster, however.
I enjoyed it and would read on. Very well done. And that's how my son cleans.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. It's a very lively opening, and we get a sense of all the characters personalities.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
“Why do we have to listen to the story again, we’ve heard it every year since I can remember.” Why indeed, if he's the storyteller this year?
ReplyDeleteSome of the language choices confuse me--"soda cans" indicate a modern time, but "family legend" feels very old fashioned.
Plus, telling a story about an evil dark Lord isn't really action or plot, IMHO. (But is reminiscent of Harry Potter.) So, sorry, but not hooked.
I am so hooked. Good writing.
ReplyDeleteYes, there is an ambiguity here as to whether Nick is about to listen or tell - and that makes me unclear of the perspective. Also, the fact he 'whines' makes me doubt I'm going to like him as protagonist. The premise is an interesting one - the annual retellings; the story where the kids might be personally involved - but your set-up isn't quite doing this justice. Yet.
ReplyDeleteI liked the energy here but am not really hooked by the set up, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
This has great potential, but doesn't read as smoothly as it could. Good job, though, and I am dying to know what the legend is.
ReplyDelete"I might be the Earth twin." I wasn't hooked till then. Would read a bit more.
ReplyDelete