GENRE: Chapter book for confident readers aged seven to ten (13,000 words)
“Oh, no,” said Molly Mavis Gumnut. “It’s raining again.” She pushed her doll pram up the garden path toward the garage. She wheeled it into the side entrance and slammed the door. “It’s warmer in here,” she told her rag doll, Jenny.
She grabbed her book and sat in a bean bag with Jenny on her lap. She pointed to a picture of a rabbit. “Look, Jenny, a bunny. I wish I had one. But Mummy and Daddy won’t let me have a pet.” Molly sighed. “Maybe Mummy will buy me one for my birthday.”
A scratching noise came from the corner of the room. Molly looked up. A furry little animal ran across the floor toward her. It ran over her foot and scurried under an old couch near the door.
Molly screamed, grabbed Jenny and sprang to her feet. She bolted out the door and into the house shouting, “Mum...Mum, there’s a creature in the garage!”
“What do you mean, Molly?” Her mother put down her baking bowl and wiped her hands on her apron. “I’ll come and have a look, but I hope you’re not telling stories again.”
“I’m not, Mummy. Honestly, I’m not.” Molly ran behind her mother, but waited at the door.
Her mother marched into the garage and looked around. “There aren’t any creatures in here, Molly.”
Molly peeked in. “There is, Mummy...I...I saw it. It’s tiny, but it has great big ears and pink feet.”
Her mother laughed. “You’re making things up, Molly.”
Hi Trish! Glad to see you here too. Anyway, a nice strong opening in my opinion- you've introduced the setting, the conflict (she wants a pet), and a mystery all in one page. Great flow. I was sucked right in.
ReplyDeleteI don't read MG, but I think it was very well written. It didn't hook me, because it's just not my thing, but I think that this might hook the readers in the age group that you indicated.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good writing!
I pretty much like the way this is written, but it's a bit flat in the language area. Kids like spark in language, a little more color.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
The writing has an old-fashioned, British feel to it, which gives it a distinct voice.
ReplyDeleteI would say it reads very young to sell to a "confident reader" of nine or ten.
Maybe: a chapter book for confident beginning readers.
I don't read much young MG, so I'm not hooked. It is well written, though. I agree with Aspiring Writer. It does read too young for an nine or ten year old.
ReplyDeleteNot really my thing. It's well written and I suppose with a young 'un of my own I need to become more familiar with more stories like this one!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could pep things up a bit by opening with Molly telling a tall tale instead of the rain/go walk up the garden path/etc. I felt that with Mom questioning whether she was telling tales again, you missed a good opportunity here to show that yes, she does tell whoppers and that's why her Mom made that comment, and also didn't believe her right away.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this fits with your character/story or not, but it's the instant idea I had after reading Mom's comment and I wanted to mention it. Good luck, and thanks for sharing!
I think this is clearly written and could be quite engaging for the young readers it's aimed at.
ReplyDeleteIt's reminds me of some of the early readers I had.
Given that this is supposed to be a book to encourage reading skills, I do hope the story itself fills in the imagination gap left by simple word choices and sentence structure.
It seems to from this tid bit.
I absolutely love Molly's name!
ReplyDeleteBe careful with starting too many sentences with "She" and "Molly." I think it's important to vary sentence structure regardless of reading level; young readers need GOOD literature, not just "stuff they can read."
One more thing: I happen to know a 9-year-old boy who has recently read Tolkien's entire Lord of the Rings. So be careful about the reading level thing. "Early reader" might better describe this.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. I think it's good for early readers too, but like others have said, vary the sentence structures more.
ReplyDeleteFor a younger kids story, it seems to have a good hook. Kids love stories about fun animals or pets.
ReplyDeleteI'm finding from experience that it can be difficult to jump right into the action with such a young age. But Molly's age is what makes this work so well - she still talks to her dollie, so she can explain what's going on for us. But that same trait - talking to dolls - might lower your age range just a tad.
ReplyDeletePart of me is hoping this is a bunny that's wandered into the garage, but another part wants it to be something different. But since Molly sounds like an unpredictable little monkey, I'm going for the second thought.
I would keep reading!
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteMolly's name is priceless. The story flows well, but I think this is an early chapter book.
At the end her mother says, "...but I hope you're not telling stories again." That sounds like a warning. Which makes me confused when she laughs and says, "You're making things up, Molly." That sounds like she's amused.
Nice rhythm.
Really cute. Nice job<:
ReplyDeleteNot an age range I read in. I think I'd agree with Eng151--nothing really jumped out at me as brilliant, but I don't know enough about the genre to be a helpful critic of this. But good luck and keep up the writing!
ReplyDelete(PS: I liked how she was referred to by her whole name--I think that would be kind of cool to keep the whole name throughout)
Thank you so much everyone for the helpful comments. I know I have to re write the first chapter because it doesn’t fit with the rest of the book. It comes across too young. It’s aimed at confident reader’s aged seven to nine.
ReplyDeleteEng151, thanks for pointing out there’s no spark in the opening. I agree. There’s plenty of spark all through the book so I’d better go and put some of it in the opening too. Molly is an outspoken seven year old, who fights her own battles instead of tattling. I will add some of that in the first paragraph instead of pushing her doll pram. Her doll, Jenny is in all of Molly’s chapter books though. Molly tells Jenny everything.
Angela, I love your suggestion. Thank you.
The story does have lots of twists and turns all through the book. Molly is a menace.
The first chapter is the one I’ve had the most trouble with. I’ve re written it so many times, I can’t count. All your suggestions have given me the greatest idea for a much better opening. Thanks for that. You’re all awesome.
Hi! I'm pretty familiar with this so I don't know how objective I can be, but I like this beginning. I think Molly's quirky, silly and fun with talking with her doll. And I think there is some good conflict: the animal running, her mom upset with her, etc. Good work as always!
ReplyDeleteSo many, I just found Molly. Beginnings are always the hardest. Molly Gumnut is a terrific character. Sounds like you've gotten some good ideas! I'm biased, but I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI know this is for the younger reader, so it’s a little out of my realm. The writing is done well. Clear, precise. But I would think even a young reader would still want something more interesting. The MC has been saying she wants a pet but then she runs out of the shed screaming. Is the animal strange? You don’t give us anything but a glimpse. Sorry, but I didn’t get hooked.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause while I adore her name, Molly Mavis Gumnut, there are enough little things that bug me about it. Mummy or Mum being in almost every line, the barely disguised info dump (talking to Jenny), use of “pram” a word I don’t even know in a kids book (I’m assuming buggy? Basket?). It’s alright, and I can sort of see where it’s going, I just wasn’t hooked.
The repetition in the wording seemed contrived to me, but maybe that's how you're supposed to write for the younger readers.
ReplyDeleteIt also has a very bumpy rhythm with all the subject-verb-object constructions. Again, it might be necessary for the intended market.
Mummy and Molly. Hmm. Could the kid's name be Susie or something that doesn't start with an M? Or is that also something to do for this age group? At least the doll's Jenny.
I wouldn't read on just because it's not my interest.
Hooked. Really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteHi, Trish! I'm so glad you posted your entry.
ReplyDeleteOf course you know that I'm hooked. I have been hooked on Molly for the past two or three years, way back when I read your first post on Absolute Write.
I do agree about the "spark" in the language that you can add by being a little more particular about your words.
Any of the critters on here who aren't familiar with Molly may not realize that she never, ever, gets out of character. You never, ever, write a sentence that Molly wouldn't say. That's what makes her so believable and so endearing.
And I still think she would have said "This is a damn brick field." even though others discouraged you from using that sentence in that story. It was perfect just the way you wrote it the first time. So consider the suggestions others leave, but stay true to your heart and write it the way you think it should be written.
Hi, Michael, thankyou so much, it’s great to see you here. You were one of the first people on Absolute Write that gave me encouragement. You helped me so much by showing me how to learn the use of commas, instead of just correcting my work. You encouraged me to keep Molly true when others thought Molly was too outspoken and too much of a brat. You and others from Absolute Write and Critique Circle have helped me write my ten chapter books. They’re all about Molly of course.
ReplyDeleteThanks to every one else too, you’re all great.
Good voice for a beginning reader book. Good characterization and conflict, and I can guess what that creature is that ran under the couch! Good job!
ReplyDeleteA lot of sentences start with 'she.' Change that and vary the sentence structure and I think it'll read better.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I like Molly's voice. Very adorable.
Thanks, Lori, but it isn't what most people think and it's not a rabbit.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like it's got the potential to be real cute. Like others have said, make sure you vary sentence structure a bit more. I'm not familiar enough with books of this type to say more, but good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteThe story is lovely and old-fashioned. But at 7, my girls were reading Nancy Drew mysteries and Little Women. I'd go with a top age of 7, an early reader.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but not lighting my agently fire. This feels very old-fashioned to me and I'd have a tough time indeed trying to sell it. It's not that mothers no longer wear aprons and carry baking bowls (of course they do!) ... but for today's tough marketplace I'm not sensing a story with a Unique Selling Point, which is really what we need. And quirky, contemporary young stories are going to fare better than something this traditional and gentle.
ReplyDeleteThis is very cute, but I don't read MG, so I'm not sure how it compares to others. I'm thinking it might hook the readers in your age group though - with the hint of mystery and the conflict you set up.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Secret Agent. I appreciate your advice. The first chapter was the hardest to write and doesn’t show the quirkiness of the character or story like the rest of the book. I’ve already done a re write of this chapter and it now reads more suitable for older readers. I certainly gave the wrong impression in my opening chapter because the character and story aren’t at all gentle. I’ll make sure to write her bold character into the first chapter to match the others.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the great advice. This was a great experience.
Cute story, Trish! I'm thinking it would be good for a very young audience, or maybe even as a picture book.
ReplyDeleteThe language/sentence structure doesn't fit a chapter book--too sophisticated. Although the premise isn't original (child wanting a pet and being doubted for telling stories) I am drawn to the MC and her sense of lonliness and longing--sympatico emotions for all ages!
ReplyDelete