GENREe: YA paranormal
21st June
Meredith’s 15th year
The smooth iron band felt cold – nothing like the heat it would summon. My hands shook as I placed it on my head. I held my breath and counted to ten.
All those years. All those lies. Now this was the only way . . . the only . . .
My shadow flickered across the chalk outline on the stone floor as I stepped into the circle. I turned to the north and faced the bank of candles against the wall. My shadow lay behind me.
With my right hand, I fanned out nine feathers plucked from the black cock’s tail. I lifted them over my head from west to east in defiance of the sun. With my left hand, I unlocked the ironbound book and found Psalm 51. I prayed the words would protect me:
Cast me not from Thy presence . . .
The words hung in the air.
. . . Deliver me from bloodguilt . . .
I closed my eyes and recited the rest from memory.
. . . then shalt Thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering, the whole burnt offering. ...
The pages crackled when I turned to Revelation 9:19. Placing one clammy finger at the end, I read in reverse:
. . . harm they them in and, heads having, serpents to like be them of tails the for; them of mouth the in is horses the of power the for . . .
Hmm... it's different.
ReplyDeleteI would read a few more pages before making my decision.
Very intriguing. Very nice voice. I could feel my pulse quickening as the MC stepped into the circle and began her ritual. But I admit, I was taken aback by the reading of the scripture. I would have expected her own book of incantations or something, not actual bible verses.
ReplyDeleteIt felt authentic, but I'd like to know a bit more about why 'this felt like the only way'. I needed to know the stakes to really be pulled in. Good images, tho, and I'd read on to find out what the story is.
ReplyDeleteI don't really get it. It seems you're more focused on your prose than getting the story meaningful started .
ReplyDeleteI'm down with mysterious beginnings, but so long as there's some kind of point of reference to what's going on. I get little sense of why or what she's doing other than it's the 'only way'.
Not sure it's enough to keep my attention.
I would read on, long enough to find out the result of this invocation or whatever it is, but I'm not totally hooked. I got a bit bogged down by detail--do we need to know where her shadow is, for instance? But perhaps all those specifics give us a sense of the precision necessary for what she's doing here.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to care more about the MC--at the very beginning we get shaking hands and lies, and later a clammy finger, but I don't know what she's afraid of or why it should matter to me.
You might consider not using all those ellipses; for me, they're distracting. But, as I say, I would read on!
I was intrigued by "and now this was the only way" because it opened up so many questions.
ReplyDeleteAbout the ritual, like Charlie V, I was taken aback by the bible verses being used here. Also, is she alone? I think this would be more compelling if we had more of a hint as to what this ritual was for, what is it protecting her from?
I would read on to see what happens next, though, so good job.
Not entirely hooked, but I am curious about where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why you repeat 'the only' in this sentence: Now this was the only way . . . the only . . .
Also, if she's reciting the bible verses aloud, I think you should use quotes instead of ellipses.
You might want to watch using the word cock for a YA. Although I realize it is a rooster, well I'm not sure that is where a teens mind would go, especially on the first page.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading until the end of the chapter to see where it's headed. I agree with the other comments about the biblical passages. But I did enjoy the prose, just be careful that it doesn't slow the pace for the entire book.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the writing is good, the subject matter and approach it took immediately turned me off. It seemed very dark, almost mystical, and I got more of a sense of gothicness than a sense of plot.
ReplyDeleteNot for me. It's kind of all over the place and I get confused with all the ellipses!
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. I think the ellipses kind of threw me. But her ritual was interesting and I rather liked the Biblical imagery. There's a lot of mysticism associated with Christianity and the Old Testament.
ReplyDeleteWow. I can't decide if it's something evil or good. Very mysterious. I'm hooked. But at the same time a little wary. I'm not into 'way out there' stories. So if the MC doesn't get interesting soon, you'd lose me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really comfortable with the occult type content, so I'm not precisely hooked.
ReplyDeleteThat said, nice writing.
I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences are very effective.
But then I felt like I was reading a spell-casting textbook. The incantation went on waaaay too long.
I think you might shorten the incantation and intersperse the reading of the spell with Meredith's inner dialogue, or with flashes of how her spell is affecting her physical environment to build tension.
You have created a mysterious tone to your story.
Nice, strong opening. However I'd like to see more of the main character- a name, an approximate age, etc. Maybe they see their reflection during this scene. I'd also hint at what the purpose of this ritual is early on to increase the suspense. Otherwise, great work.
ReplyDeleteI think the ellipses threw me too. I did like what you have so far, but I'd need to read more to make a judgement.
ReplyDeleteI loved the writing.
ReplyDeleteThe only comment about that is that she wouldn't see her shadow behind her so why mention it? Why not, instead, mention something she does see--the shadows dancing on the wall in the shapes of leering faces and monsters--give us a picture of the eeriness of the candlelit room.
I'm not yet hooked because I don't know the character or what her problem is, but I'd keep reading to see if you hooked me. I'd keep reading a couple of more pages to find out what she's up against, why she's desperate to try something dangerous (I know it's dangerous because she's hoping the Bible passage will protect her). But I do think you need to tell us pretty quickly who she is and what her conflict is.
This is intriguing. I would read more, but the reason for the chant would need to come pretty soon to keep my interest.
ReplyDeleteYa know. I think I remember reading this in a previous contest and I remember liking that other opening better. Could be a trick of my memory but the other one was less weighed down with incantation lines. The incantation interrupts the flow for me.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause, well, the whole summoning concept as a whole rarely works for me. Circles and candles and chants… plus I don’t know anything about this character or why he/she is doing it or anything. Just doesn’t hook me…
I like this. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteMaybe leave out most of the scripture. Which part is most relevant? Psalms? Or Revelation backward? I did like it though.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
Intriguing beginning! I like the set up and the mystery. The last paragraph is a big hard to read, though I understand she's reading the text backwards, it's a bit awkward to slog through. But yes, I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI like the darkness and mystery of this - the strange iron band! But I'm not sure about the heading (date/Meredith's 15th year - isn't it Meredith we're reading about in the first person?). 'All those years. All those lies' - a little too cryptic at this point; just give us the action! I could also do without the precise biblical references, which aren't necessary here. But I am definitely intrigued and would read more.
ReplyDeleteWell written, but not the sort of story I usually read. Good character though.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested but not hooked enough to keep reading. I think it's the style (the ellipses and the vagueness) and the Bible verse. This might be one of those situations where my reading on would depend on knowing what the story is ultimately about.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, all -- they're greatly appreciated!
ReplyDeleteSorry about all the ellipses. In the ms., those parts are italicized, but I wanted to give the sense that she's reading the entire passages (more than I've bothered to list), and ellipses are there to replace missing copy. (It's funny that my students consider me the grammar nazi -- now I know a bit how they feel!)
The action does start very quickly, though. In fact, it starts in the next sentence (darn 250-word limit). Maybe if I condense this part a bit more, the good stuff can actually show up on the first page. Hmm.
Thanks again, everyone. Your comments have really helped.
The voice seemed adult to me.
ReplyDeleteI like how this starts out and would love to see where it is going!
ReplyDeleteThe character seems a lot older than 15 to me.
ReplyDeleteFor me, there's too much details of the ritual at this point. I'm not drawn in because I don't know why this character is using witchcraft (right?) and for what?
I might read a bit further to see if you explain "this was the only way" and "all those lies." Otherwise, I'm not hooked.
Ooooh dark and eerie. I like it. I'm hooked for now.
ReplyDelete