TITLE: BEAKER BECKER
GENRE: Young Adult
“Where’s Gavin?” Mom asks the absolute instant I walk through the front door.
“Hi to you, too, Mom.” I shake the rain from my umbrella and throw my book bag on the floor. It thuds so loud, Mom jumps.
“Don’t sass me, young lady. Where’s your brother?”
Mom didn’t always treat me this way. When Dad was home more, Mom couldn’t get away with continually snapping at me. But since we moved to Hong Kong, Dad’s gone all the time on business trips.
“How should I know where Gavin is?” I say. “It’s the last day of school. He’s probably out celebrating with all his friends.” I can’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice. It’s a continual irritant that my brother has about fifty million friends and I have a grand total of zero. Zero with a capital Z. I’m done with school for the whole year, and do I have anyone to hang out with today? No.
Everyone hates me here and it’s not my imagination. Why else would Paul Wilcox kick my books across the hallway when I’m trying to get into my locker? Why do the three blondes who sit behind me in English class always snicker when I drop my pencil case on the floor?
Even teachers hate me. Mrs. Heck made me recopy all my Geography notes from the entire term. She told me, in her high-pitched British voice, I had to learn to be tidy.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteI want to read more, Great job!
I think this is going somewhere good. It's well written. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
Hooked too. I'd lose the 'absolute' int he first line, but that's just me. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI think you've opened with a great voice and a compelling story question - why does everyone hate her? I'd read on to see why this is.
ReplyDeleteOnly suggestion - on detailing why everyone hates her you mention: "the three blondes who sit behind me in English class always snicker when I drop my pencil case on the floor" I think you could make this stronger. It seems unlikely that she always drops her pencil case. Maybe they could always start whispering whenever she passes, or something.
Great start!
Great character voice and interesting set up. She's a weirdo living in Hong Kong and hated by everyone. Good combo of elements, especially foreign locale.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the biggest fan of first person present tense, so, while I'd read on, if it smacked me in the face a few too many times I'd likely leave the book.
BUT, I would give it a sporting chance after this intro.
Great Voice. I feel for the MC already. I love the way you introduce new characters and set the stage for the ‘friendless’ MC. But I don’t really feel a hook at the end of the first page to get me to turn the page.
ReplyDeleteGood voice. Good job. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteBlondes and Paul Wilcox in Hong Kong? They all sound American. Are there a lot of Americans in Hong Kong?
ReplyDeleteA very strong voice. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I want to read more. Love the voice.
ReplyDeleteLove the way it's written, but it seemed a little gloomy. Maybe add a little humour. I guess a lot of kids will relate to this though.
ReplyDeleteI would read on to see why she was hated though.
I'm interested. So far, besides the mention of Hong Kong, it doesn't seem like they're living in a foreign country. All the names mentioned are English.
ReplyDeleteYou could tighten this up a bit. There's a lot of extra words that slow it down.
I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with it...it's really well written and has some great stuff for it, I just don't want to read about emos. It's just a personal thing. Your writing is great though!
I was intrigued by the mother-daughter relationship, but it fizzled for me when she started whining. That would be something that (I think) it would be good to show instead of tell.
ReplyDeleteHooked up until the last two paragraphs, which feel plot dumpy to me. I do find her a bit whiny though, and I wonder why everyone there hates her...she does feel a bit emo.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked, then unhooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice in the first line.
But then the mother's "Don't sass me, young lady. Etc." seemed cliche.
Then she says that when her dad was home more "...Mom couldn't get away with..." Makes Mom sound like a sneaky kid.
Then lots of complaining.
Nothing happens.
I feel like you got wound up in details and wandered a bit. Why don't you go back to that excellent first line and "channel" some more of that kid?
I like this. Strong voice, strong characterization. The first page sucks me in. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Heck <- amused at the name. Sounds like she earns it. ;-]
ReplyDeleteLove the voice here - so definitely hooked.
Even more hooked since it sounds like it's going to be a 'coming of age' cinderella type story <- love those.
I do think there might be a little tweaking with the dialogue. Make the sarcastic part a little more sarcastic. Show that sibling rivalry in her choice of words<:
Anon -- If you are an American teen living abroad you might end up at an international school, with classes in English. Your classmates would be Americans/English speaking -- hence, "blondes" and "Paul Wilcox."
ReplyDeleteLiked the voice!
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause the whole nobody likes me, everybody hates me bit gets old. The kid sounds like a whiner and a snot, which gives me no reason to like her. Assuming she’s the main character, that would be bad. Also the fourth paragraph is an info dump.
From her descriptions, I'm not getting Hong Kong at all-- blondes, English accents, American-sounding names. It doesn't feel like the world building supports what the narrator is telling us.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this is kinda a cliche set up--the family moving and the MC not having any friends. LOTS of YA novels start this way, but don't add anything new to the set up or genre.
Writing nice; theme . . . less than original. Sorry, but there are just so many stories about girls not fitting in, moving house, not being cool/popular/big-chested etc., and their journey to acceptance. Your Hong Kong setting makes this more interesting, and I should also say that I rather like your title. But might be good to use your writing talents on a stronger concept? Unless, of course, this subsequently takes off in directions I can't predict.
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble liking the protagonist from the beginning -- she sounds so snotty.
ReplyDeleteAnd the mother's line "Don't sass me, young lady" kinda made my stomach drop. You might consider a different line there.
You've done a good job at setting the scene for family conflict, for sure. I'm just not pulled in at this point to want to read more about this...ur, sorta whiney?...protag.
Like the way you show the relationship between Gavin and MC through Mom's comment.
ReplyDeleteLike how you show us that "everyone" hates MC instead of just telling us.
I'd read further.
I like the writing, but I don't like the MC. It sounded like whining...ewww. I'd rather she was pissed than whining.
ReplyDeleteWell... the mom sounds too old fashioned, and the action disappears after the first half of the entry... BUT I really, really like your writing style and would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing's great, but I'm afraid I'm not hooked, because I'm not seeing how this is going to be different. We've got a disaffected and unpopular teenaged girl who hates her situation and doesn't get along with her mom; that's authentic, but it's been done a lot. The Hong Kong setting definitely could make it unique, and probably would have hooked me, but we're not getting a sense of being there yet.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could start at a different point in the story?
The MC is angry, and maybe has good reason, but intially feels whiney and not likeable. I'd still read another page to see if there's a reason for the anger.
ReplyDelete