GENRE: YA
Heinz Schultz’s word could send a man to prison. Though only fifteen, the Nazi party had empowered him. He was strong and tall, just a few years older then those of us he led. I esteemed him. I feared him. And I wanted to be just like him.
“We are leaders,” he told us, “not followers. One day the youth of Germany will rule the world!” His voice had recently lowered an octave making what he said sound more severe. “Give me examples of our superiority.”
Heinz’s brother, Rolf raised his hand, “We are white, Aryan and not Jewish.” He said this like the rest of us were too dull to know the answer. He may be Heinz’s brother but he still sounded like a girl.
“True,” Heinz agreed. “Others?
Friedrich thrust his long skinny arm in the air. “We are athletic and fit.”
Moritz shifted uneasily in his chair; he wasn’t exactly the most coordinated person I knew. I raised my hand.
“Emil?”
“We are intelligent.” All eyes were on me. With the flick of an imaginary switch I flushed red. Should I present an example? A model glider hung above the table prompting me. “We built the Luftwaffe.”
“Indeed,” said Heinz. “The mightiest air force in the world!”
“One day I will be a pilot in the Luftwaffe!” I boasted.
“A noble goal, Emil,” Heinz said then nodded to Johann who picked up his guitar. We sang with heartfelt gusto: Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Alles.
I loved the first sentence. And I remember this story.
ReplyDelete:-)
I'd read on. Intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, though the first few lines seem disconnected from the rest. At first I thought I was reading the hook part of a query instead of the opening of a novel. Maybe because it seems a little too tell rather than show?
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. The writing has this nice flowing style to it and I'm already intrigued about what's going to happen between the 3 boys.
ReplyDeleteUndeniably interesting, and with some nice observation. I liked the way all eyes turned upon Emil - which helped we readers to see the importance of your lead character (and the pressure he's under. I'm guessing we'd find later that he isn't quite as signed up to the Hitler Jugend - if that's what it is - as we might think initially).
ReplyDeleteAnd yet - this feels like a piece from later on in the novel, rather than the opening. I need more scene setting. Unless this is a kind of prologue, after which you're going to set the scene?
This really hooked me because I haven't read many stories from the Nazi point of view and I'm interested to see where this is going. I liked how it started with one chracter and ended with the main character. Also Emil's answer showed me a lot about who he was without you telling us in bulky paragraphs. I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, too.
ReplyDeleteMy only nitpicky thing: your second sentence has a misplaced modifying clause (I think that's what it's called). It makes is sound like the Nazi party is fifteen instead of Heinz. You could fix by something like "Though only fifteen, Heinz had the backing of the Nazi party..."
I like that the protag notices the pitch of the other boys voices--to me this lends even more authenticity to his narrative voice.
I'd read more. You gave me a good sense of who your MC was. He wants to be powerful, looked up to, etc. and yet, you've also gotten across that he perhaps does not have the personality to be a true Nazi. He notices things, he thinks about things, and I'm feeling he'll have to deal with some personl/moral dilemma. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteThis is an intense topic to tackle, so good for you! The writing flows well and feels authentic. Excellent work.
ReplyDeleteNice work. I was hooked last time, but like this new one too.
ReplyDeleteNice writing and interesting story setting. Makes things ripe for a sympathetic MC who's breaking free from mind control to do the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more.
Interesting. Well-paced.
ReplyDeleteQuite good. Excellent opening sentence. Only nit is the flick of an imaginary switch.
ReplyDeleteI really think this is a great premise, but I think I saw a different opening you posted in another contest (with his parents?) and I liked that one better than this.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very popular subject with the tenth graders I teach--and they are always asking for both sides of the story (Jew and Nazi)
I think there might be a few fact mistakes here about the Hitler Youth,that threw me off a bit. The first bit was to the edge of author intrusion.
ReplyDeleteNo for me
Well written, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI am barely hooked.
ReplyDeleteI liked the scene. A bunch of boys falling victim to peer pressure--but the stakes are so high.
I think I would have liked to find out the information about Heinz Schultz in a subtler way. Instead of the first several "telling" sentences, drop hints about his age through the piece. Perhaps talk about his low voice cracking in the middle because it had only recently change, instead of outright telling us he's fifteen.
I like the fact your MC is going along, but is uncomfortable about it. Play that up!
I love the first line and the premise of the story is compelling. There are a couple of lines that seemed more like telling then showing. But I'm intrigued and I would keeping reading.
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause after the first (stunning) paragraph, it drops off in interest.
I'd read on. Good job.
ReplyDeleteVery daring YA novel--telling it from the POV of a member of the Hitler Youth organization. There's no clear conflict set up just yet, but I love the voice and the daring subject matter. I'd absolutely read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! It's gutsy to write a story from the POV of the Nazis. I'm interested.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. Usually not my kind of story. but I might read on to see what these boys are up to, if they follow Hitler or turn a different path.
ReplyDeleteThis is fairly well written - watch out for "then" vs. "than" in the 2nd sentence. Also, you need to clarify who or what is fifteen, as someone else pointed out.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably going to be an amazing and interesting story - one which my husband would devour -but I'm just not into the subject.
Best of luck, though, on tackling something like this.
Interesting premise, and I'd read on. I'm assuming that Emil will end up facing a moral dilemma and making good choices, eventually, so I like the way you've made him want to please and fit in at this point.
ReplyDeleteThe grammatical issues other posters have mentioned did pull me out of the story, briefly.
I love the title, but it jarred me to see this was historial fiction. I probably wouldn't read more.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't do it for me. Although the idea of writing from a Nazi youngster in Hitler's Germany is different, this beginning does nothing for me.
ReplyDeleteSorry.