The click of footsteps sounded in the hall outside and I jumped to my feet, pounding on the closet door. The bucket on which I'd been sitting toppled over with a clang, as my burgundy skirts tangled around my feet.
"Help! Let me out!" My throat burned as I tried to shout again, my voice nothing more than a rasping cry, muffled by the heavy door. The echo of steps faded away and I slammed my fist against the door in frustration.
The light from the window high above me dimmed, and fear lodged in my throat, thick and heavy like a blanket. The sun set early these days. I would be trapped, alone in the darkness in less than an hour.
A shiver crawled down my spine and I rattled the old bronze doorknob, trying once more to escape.
"Trouble again, Johanna?" a deep voice asked near my left ear.
I shrieked and pressed myself against the door, my gaze darting around the confines of the tiny closet in which I was trapped. "Who's there?"
I grabbed the handle of a mop and held it in front of me as a weapon.
"I can't believe you let Asta corner you like that. You should have known better." The voice sounded resigned, almost brotherly.
"Who are you?" The broom trembled in my hands. It had finally happened. I had gone mad.
"Don't be afraid, Jo."
I shook my head in disbelief. This wasn't happening. It had to be a dream.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteGive me more!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhoops, I'll try again.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
I think the opening could be reworded a bit to highlight even sooner that's she's in the closet. It took me a few secs to get the image of her being inside a closet because the info came at the end of a long sentence, but I think you can get the image there even faster.
This needs a tiny bit of editing, but very, very good. Great job--I'd love to read on.
Great start, but I have a couple of nits to pick. First, I don't know any closets that have windows. Why would they? Second, this sentence didn't work for me: "fear lodged in my throat, thick and heavy like a blanket," because I couldn't picture a blanket in my throat. I think the similie would work better if you said, "fear pressed down on me, thick and heavy like a blanket" or "fear lodged in my throat, like a grape I'd forgotten to chew." But that's just me, I tend to be very literal.
ReplyDeleteI loved the appearance of something in the closet with her and would have read more to find out who it was.
Hooked...yes and no.
ReplyDeleteI like your character in her predicament and she's not shy and wimpy about things.
Then the mystery person happens by...cool.
The 'no' comes from wanting this piece to be tightened up. Seems a little wordy in places and the throat simile was a little off base, IMHO.
Nice Tone. Good descriptions. Interesting and suspenseful. You lost me a little bit at the end. We hear a voice, but the MC can’t see him… and it’s not dark …yet. Doesn’t the MC have a clue at all who this voice is? Especially since he asks why she allowed Asta to corner her…”
ReplyDeleteI like your MC and I'd read on to discover where the mystery voice is coming from, but I think this could be tightened up a bit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, details like 'burgundy skirts' in a scene like this always pull me out of the story. Someone who is trapped in a closet, hoping to be rescued would not think about the color of their skirt. If this detail is important, drop it in later, after you've hooked us.
I liked the line where she held the mop like a weapon, but in the next paragraph you called it a broom - which is it?
I like this! Very exciting opening. Concentrate on fixing the small details (mop, window, etc).
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteJust be careful of the overwriting.
Love the title.
I'm hooked. I want to know who's talking to her and how she gets out of the closet. Intriguing that the disembodied voice must've been there the whole time to know how she got in that situation.
ReplyDeleteGood imagery and a nice set up but it didn't move me as much as I'd like. I can't say for sure if I'd want to read more. I'm definitely interested, but not hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Totally my style of book.
ReplyDeleteAnother story that I feel it's hard for me to be objective about, but I think it's a great beginning to a lovely and interesting piece of work. I agree about the blanket metaphor, I'd like it perhaps to not be in her throat, but aside from that it's quite good and I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Nice job<:
ReplyDeleteOne thing though -> "Asta" <- I immediately got the mental image of the dog from the Thin Man movies.
I'd read on to find out about the mysterious voice. But I adore mysterious voices, so that's why. There are a couple of spots that could be tighter, but I liked it. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked it.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. You've got a very interesting situation. It borders on being overwritten in places - the burgundy skirt, the fear in the throat, rattling on the door know trying to escape (the trying part is obvious). Otherwise, great start!
ReplyDeleteI like it (and want more!).
ReplyDeleteThe window in the closet thing bothered me, though. I had to go back and make sure I'd read it right.
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause while I like the setup where she’s trapped, I have no idea why she’s trapped, by who, who she is, or anything. She’s just a girl in a closet hearing a voice that I also have no clue about. Doesn’t give me much to go on.
Am I totally off here, but is the mc in a commode closet? With the skirt being around her ankles, sitting on a bucket....
ReplyDeleteIf that's the case, which leads to the era and I say good job.
I'm hooked and would read on.
My only thing with this is that I'm not into the character yet. You've done a good job portraying her terror, but I'm not sure I should care about why she's frightened. I like your writing, though.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, though the park about the stool flying back made me think the room was bigger than just a broom closet. But I like the tension/conflict that you introduce right off the bat, and I'd read on to see where this mysterious voice is coming from, as well as why Jo's trapped in a closet.
ReplyDeleteThe voice in the dark is nicely sinister - I want to know who this evil creature might be! Personally, I prefer your writing when you keep it simple: 'The sun set early these days . . . less than an hour' is spare and effective. 'Fear lodged in my throat, thick and heavy like a blanket' says more than you really need to say. You can convey strong feels without overdoing the similes/metaphors and often 'less is more'. I'm disappointed by the final sentence - oh, we KNOW it's not a dream, and so does she. The piece would have been more effective if you'd ended (maybe) after 'I had gone mad'.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I meant 'feelings' not 'feels'. That comes from staring at a screen for too long!
ReplyDeleteLots to stoke the imagination on this one! I'd get rid of "a shiver crawled down my spine" -- too hackneyed.
ReplyDeleteI wonder, too, if foosteps would "click" out in the hall? Unless, of course, they are high heels.
Needs some tightening. I think I'd want to at least read a couple more pages to see where this is leading (I love YA fantasy).
Well, you certainly start with a bang.
ReplyDeleteI'd read further just to see who the disembodied voice was (a fairy godfather, perhaps?)
I would love to know how she was tricked into the closet. Otherwise it makes her seem not so bright which I consider bad in a MC
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I want to know who locked her in the closet and why. I also want to know who the voice is.
ReplyDeleteHi Everyone, author here :) Thank you so much for all of your comments, I'll definitley be going back to fix and tighten based on your feedback. And thanks especially to our Secret Agent, we really appreciate all of the time you spent on giving us your honest opinion!
ReplyDeleteAnd of course our Authoress is phenominal for setting this up in the first place!
Also - Sarah Jensen - this isn't a commode closet, though that might be an idea to consider!!! :)
I like it! Good place to start a story. It makes me want to read more for sure!
ReplyDeleteI was thrown a bit by a window in the closet. There is some good tension and the MC is definitely in conflict. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete